Tuesday, October 9, 2007

[redacted]: The Movie

[redacted]

I’m not one to Google myself (not only is my name Google-proof, but I’m hardly eager to learn that my entire internet footprint amounts to this blog, an Amazon review of one of Dr. Seuss’s lesser works and an online petition to legalize cock fighting – I’m not sure I knew what I was signing). But every so often I do like to check in on my blog. It’s important that [redacted] be easily found. Not for me, but for you. Too often the internet is helpful. It hands you the answers to your questions on a silver platter. I like the idea that someone searching for real information will stumble across my blog. And at first they will be frustrated. But then they’ll laugh and show it to their friend and say, “Look at the crap you can find on the internet!” And then I become famous.

But lately, someone has been trying to usurp my fame. A chap by the name of Brian De Palma. Maybe you’ve heard of him: he directed a couple of movies which didn’t turn out too bad. But after hitting a dry spell in his later years, Brian has looked for other ways to regain the notoriety of his youth. Namely by making a movie about my blog. OR SO I THOUGHT.

It turns out Redacted isn’t an unauthorized documentary about my blog. Rather, it is a scathing commentary on U.S. war-mongering in Iraq. Inspired by one of the most heinous war crimes committed by American soldiers in Iraq, the movie, which isn’t nearly as funny as this blog, tells a montage of stories centering on rape, torture and the murder of Iraqi civilians.

(Makes a great double feature with The Jane Austen Book Club!)

I mean, it’s one thing to be out Googled by Wikipedia. There’s no stopping the public’s thirst for knowledge about words they don’t know the definition to. But the thing is, before this movie came out, I was the number one search result. Even above Wikipedia. Uneducated people everywhere were Googling the word “redacted” and clicking on my blog thinking, “What a complicated definition!” Then this movie comes out and everyone’s all like, “Oh, a movie about war!” Meanwhile, they think “redacted” refers to some military lingo, like when a tank blows up a building all the soldiers high five each other like, “Redacted!” So then they Wikipedia it and learn that it’s a wimpy English term. Meanwhile, my blog is getting pushed further and further down. ALL I’M TRYING TO DO IS BEING A LITTLE FUCKING JOY TO THE WORLD.

I’ve decided that I have two options. I can either sue Brian De Palma, which seems silly because lawsuits seem to take up a lot of time and I’m already behind on my Fall TV. Or I can make my own movie. It will be called [redacted] (the brackets make it different) and it will be a dark comedy centered around a guy who goes to war (Note to De Palma: How’s that for stealing content?) and in the depths of hell he must raise everyone’s spirit by blogging.

Started as a way for him to relieve the stress of killing (he is a sniper), his blog begins circulating around the military base camps. The soldiers crowd around satellite laptops late at night to read his posts and laugh together. One drunken night, a soldier posts a link to the blog on a jihadist message board, and suddenly the blog is being read all throughout Iraq. Sunnis and Shiites bond over their shared love of the blogger’s witty, self-deprecating humor. The movie will culminate with the blogging soldier sent out onto a mission where he goes missing. No one hears from him for weeks and the world waits in devastated silence for him to post on his blog. As the manhunt for the soldier continues, people everywhere crowd around computers refreshing his blog in the hopes that he has is still alive. Finally, in one of the most triumphant scenes ever captured on film, a group of Iraqis all huddled around a terminal in an internet café refresh his blog, and a new post pops up on the screen:

“[redacted]: The Movie”

DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? It’s like Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind meets Good Morning Vietnam. The movie’s tagline will be: “A blogger saves the world, one post at a time.” It will be semi-autobiographical.

37 Comments:

Blogger k said...

I think you're thinking of this in a blog-half-empty kind of way.

Before, who went to Google looking up the word "redacted"? A few, sure, but not THAT many.

Now, TONS of people will be Googling "redacted" because no one knows what it means. And then they will stumble upon your blog and voila! You have a whole new (albeit somewhat illiterate) readership.

We should all be so lucky.

October 9, 2007 at 5:00:00 PM EDT  
Blogger angus said...

An unauthorized documentary / biography would been nice - but i guess you could settle for the real option

October 9, 2007 at 5:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

I'm going to start a "Google the Dan at Redacted" drive to get you back to the top!

Screw the war in Iraq, Dan is our man!

October 9, 2007 at 5:41:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Leah said...

Glad to see your internet is up and running without any asperity from Time Warner.

October 9, 2007 at 7:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger TheBlogPrinter said...

You have a lot of stuff on here. Have you ever thought of getting a hard copy? Come read my first blog to see what I am talking about!

October 9, 2007 at 7:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Katie said...

I just came across your blog today, and you completely made my day. Consider me hooked!

October 9, 2007 at 7:51:00 PM EDT  
Blogger fort knocks said...

Just makes me want to bomb a movie studio and kill the director's family. no, but in a good way.

Sweet plan to get famous. High Five! "Redacted!"

October 9, 2007 at 7:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ursula said...

You're a madman. I love it.

October 9, 2007 at 10:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Borrego said...

Nice Blog

October 10, 2007 at 12:25:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Plexus said...

Maybe the simple soldier/blogger just wants to go back to Brooklyn to tend his garden?

Think you need an antagonist in the script; I hear Fred Thompson will be available next fall.

October 10, 2007 at 12:57:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

If it's of any help to you I will tell you that I did not come across your blog because I did not know the meaning of "redacted."

I came across it the way these things normally happen - you were mentioned on the "Blogs of Note" sidebar.

If that's not of any help to you then never mind.

Good luck with that movie idea. I'm sure that will end up being a summer blockbuster!!

October 10, 2007 at 1:22:00 AM EDT  
Blogger kerrin said...

redact this comment. your blog stinks.

October 10, 2007 at 1:39:00 AM EDT  
Blogger mArGa rEth said...

ur kinda cute! ;p

free 2 visit my blog at

http://mocheiraz.blogspot.com

and free 2 post your comments!

tnx! ;)

October 10, 2007 at 2:39:00 AM EDT  
Blogger honeyboy said...

in italy they will wait some times before watching this de palma movie
I hope this is a masterpiece!

October 10, 2007 at 9:44:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Dana said...

Beautiful!! The feel good movie of the decade. Just sayin, I know some people. Oh wait, no I don't. I just watch Entourage sometimes.

Because you amuse me I will promote you to TWO people today. Which is exactly twice as many as I promoted you to yesterday. With viral growth like that, you'll be back on top soon. Godspeed.

For what it's worth, I found you through Kristy.

October 10, 2007 at 10:48:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Lisa said...

I'll cameo as "the girl who adds redacted to her RSS reader"

October 10, 2007 at 2:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger nikki said...

"It will be called [redacted] (the brackets make it different)"

this very same strategy was used by vanilla ice back when he jacked a sample off of 'pressure'. man, even your strategy lacks originality. lol

i'll still go see your movie though.

October 10, 2007 at 2:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous ann m. said...

yeah, I'd go see your movie over the de palma one any day. But I could be biased because I lived in Brooklyn, was in the Navy, and my husband is active duty. Or maybe it's just because I know what redacted means. Yeah, it's probably the second one.

October 10, 2007 at 10:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger -G.D. said...

you cracked me up...not often does one get this lucky by hitting the "next blog" button.

October 11, 2007 at 1:09:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Tara, now in London said...

I'm impressed that you managed to get to cuss words in the first sentence and a half that appears in your google search. [mother] must be so proud.

October 11, 2007 at 7:09:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous tara, now in london said...

Or, "two" cuss words, if I could spell.

October 11, 2007 at 7:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger canadian sadie said...

So...Mr.'Blogs of Note'...I stumbled to the blogger homepage this morning, and what did I see? You. Lucky fellow.

First you're #3 on the Google parade, and now this...a Blog of Note. Look at your sitemeter fly!

...and btw, congratulations. :)

October 11, 2007 at 7:58:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Tria said...

Dan,
Absolutely wonderful blog. I'm new to the blogging world and stumbled onto yours...so glad I did! I enjoyed it so much I immediately put you in my Fav's. Keep me laughing....

October 11, 2007 at 9:36:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

To our British Tara -

I blank out the cuss words.

And by the way, the peach jelly from your wedding (Dan left his in my car) was delicious!!

October 11, 2007 at 10:41:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Ancient Clown said...

Blessings:

Can I be in your movie? I have experience in the film industry and I still hold top spot in GOOGLE for "ancient clown"...then we could cross link and really let them have it.
You'll be back on top in no time. In fact, I'm linking to you now just to get the ball rolling.(after I finish posting I mean).
You could check out my documentary if you have a half-hour break and are unsure of what to do with yourself.
your humble servant,
ancient clown

October 11, 2007 at 1:15:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous lbt79 X said...

i would be harming mankind if i sit back and allow old foolish men continue on with jibba jabba...therefore i must say-

redacted, you ask? yes, familiar with my vocab words! i didn't drop out, turn to questionable extra curricular activities, then fall apart and began to spread rumors of creatures crawling from within.

there isn't any justification needed simply because i just so happened to stumble upon a page, and not to my surprise there were examples of mind-implanted thoughts which illustrates someone who is indeed lost without eternal sunshine.

and while i may have done wrong which ultimately cost me a great relationship, the sun will still shine and i won't allow such selfish, snotty, self-absorbed, 40 yr. old jealous man to bring me down.

if i was you i'd hate me too...we fall only to learn to pick ourselves back up.

trust, ugly ain't nice...be good to yourself.

lbt79 X

October 11, 2007 at 3:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lbt79:

I, too, see the dawn of man's imminent inception in the dark prose that lies within. Redacted, indeed, from the shinning sun of netherland activities.

I feel you fraught with selfish woes of past doom. But the postlapsarian world will once again passes from the midst.

And he will again feel the perilous dawn of eternal sunshine. And those who revel in selfish extra curriculars will fatefully perish in the wind.

brooke X

October 11, 2007 at 3:49:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous esme said...

found you on the Blogs of Note sidebar - I do know what [redacted] means and was curious about the blog contents - you gave me much more to think about! Write On!

October 11, 2007 at 9:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pal.........u have an awesome blog!! Wasnt patient enough to read all the blogs... wht's u'r profession?? ....nice one which gives u 6.5hrs internet surfing time everyday !!

October 12, 2007 at 12:05:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Rahul S. Nair said...

good humour man...
Loved reading it....

October 12, 2007 at 8:33:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Red said...

Except you kinda stole [redacted] from The Office so you can't really b*tch about people stealing stuff, right?

October 12, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Doc Bollocko said...

haha. I am loving it. Just bored in an internet cafe in Melbourne of all places, I find myself hitting "next blog" and finally scoring a hit worth keeping onto. I am thinking of moving to New York, in some of my more dreamlike hungover states. But for now, I am in Melbourne, for the last three weeks, from Ireland, on my own waiting for inspiration or some answers to come.
Feel free to check my meandering ramblings too. But Im sure from reading your posts that you probably wont. Which I also think is kinda cool and maybe the only reason why I bothered to even leave a comment blowing smoke up your ass. so yeah.
http://golgothastyx.blogspot.com
Come and see, my wonderful life! (HA!)

October 13, 2007 at 12:19:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Invisible said...

Dear Dan,
What are the chances of you going through to this at the end of 32 brilliant, sparkling, intelligent and witty comments? Undeterred I shall leave this here for you to consume at your leisure.
Your blog indeed has the magical powers of levity. It makes the day of one too many hopeless down in the dumps, creatures of pain and misery and such like.
There is a buzz in the web world; one fly asks the other, `did you sit on Dan’s site? the one he calls [redacted]?'' Yes I did goes the other, ``and it was such a ride. I had a time of my life rolling in mirth and happiness,''...`` but what does [redacted] actually mean?’’ the first one asks. ``oh dunno,’’ replies the other, thinking for the first time in a long while. ``let’s go sweep goggle and come to a conclusion’’. Turns out neither have anything better to do so they both goggle for [redacted], like scores of web users are no doubt goggling for right now.
cheers

October 13, 2007 at 7:57:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only learned what "Redacted" meant when I saw the episode, "Conflict Resolution" on The Office.

October 15, 2007 at 4:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Amaya said...

I'd watch it

October 20, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Confessions of A Drama Mama said...

That's f'n funny! I'd watch it!

October 26, 2007 at 12:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger nurse63 said...

Now Shit! I really need to know what 'redacted' means. A law firm is "redacting" information on me. What are they doing????

July 27, 2010 at 3:41:00 PM EDT  

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