I’m not one to Google myself (not only is my name Google-proof, but I’m hardly eager to learn that my entire internet footprint amounts to this blog, an Amazon review of one of Dr. Seuss’s lesser works and an online petition to legalize cock fighting – I’m not sure I knew what I was signing). But every so often I do like to check in on my blog. It’s important that [redacted] be easily found. Not for me, but for you. Too often the internet is helpful. It hands you the answers to your questions on a silver platter. I like the idea that someone searching for real information will stumble across my blog. And at first they will be frustrated. But then they’ll laugh and show it to their friend and say, “Look at the crap you can find on the internet!” And then I become famous.
But lately, someone has been trying to usurp my fame. A chap by the name of Brian De Palma. Maybe you’ve heard of him: he directed a couple of movies which didn’t turn out too bad. But after hitting a dry spell in his later years, Brian has looked for other ways to regain the notoriety of his youth. Namely by making a movie about my blog. OR SO I THOUGHT.
It turns out Redacted isn’t an unauthorized documentary about my blog. Rather, it is a scathing commentary on
(Makes a great double feature with The Jane Austen Book Club!)
I mean, it’s one thing to be out Googled by Wikipedia. There’s no stopping the public’s thirst for knowledge about words they don’t know the definition to. But the thing is, before this movie came out, I was the number one search result. Even above Wikipedia. Uneducated people everywhere were Googling the word “redacted” and clicking on my blog thinking, “What a complicated definition!” Then this movie comes out and everyone’s all like, “Oh, a movie about war!” Meanwhile, they think “redacted” refers to some military lingo, like when a tank blows up a building all the soldiers high five each other like, “Redacted!” So then they Wikipedia it and learn that it’s a wimpy English term. Meanwhile, my blog is getting pushed further and further down. ALL I’M TRYING TO DO IS BEING A LITTLE FUCKING JOY TO THE WORLD.
I’ve decided that I have two options. I can either sue Brian De Palma, which seems silly because lawsuits seem to take up a lot of time and I’m already behind on my Fall TV. Or I can make my own movie. It will be called [redacted] (the brackets make it different) and it will be a dark comedy centered around a guy who goes to war (Note to De Palma: How’s that for stealing content?) and in the depths of hell he must raise everyone’s spirit by blogging.
Started as a way for him to relieve the stress of killing (he is a sniper), his blog begins circulating around the military base camps. The soldiers crowd around satellite laptops late at night to read his posts and laugh together. One drunken night, a soldier posts a link to the blog on a jihadist message board, and suddenly the blog is being read all throughout
“[redacted]: The Movie”
DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? It’s like Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind meets Good Morning Vietnam. The movie’s tagline will be: “A blogger saves the world, one post at a time.” It will be semi-autobiographical.