Friday, November 16, 2007

Dangerous Toys: Dangerous? Or Just Toys?

Earlier this week, I was introduced to the watchdog organization known as W.A.T.C.H., which stands for “world against toys causing harm.” (More like W.A.F., “world against fun.” Right?!) Their founder states the organization’s purpose on their website:

My introduction to the frightening world of dangerous toys came about in the course of my work as a lawyer. In my investigations of the toy industry on behalf of Congress and clients, I became painfully conscious of the risks to our children when their playthings unreasonably expose them to grave physical and psychological harm. Their toy boxes are secret havens for death traps.

(Death Traps™, coincidentally, is what I named my prototype of a children’s toy I invented. It was a game made for two or more players where one child left the room and the other child put something into a box. Then the other child came back into the room and had to eat whatever the first player put into the box. If it was something toxic, all the players would should “Death Trap!” and giggle.)

Anyway, W.A.T.C.H. puts out an annual list of the ten most dangerous toys of the year. In theory, this is a helpful list. If I had a child, I would want to know if their “Pure Lead Cannonball Shooter™” toy was unsafe. Or if their “Mostly Edible Knife Collection™” was maybe teaching them some sort of unforeseeable bad habit. But in perusing the list for 2007, I couldn’t help but think, “Our kids are fucked.” And not because they’re going to choke on Harry Potter’s quiddich ball, but because we’re raising them to be pussies. It’s the same reason I won’t allow my future children to use anti-bacterial soap – the best anti-bacterial soap is a strong immune system.

Besides, when I was growing up we never had anti-bacterial soap. We had regular soap. If you wanted something sterilized you sprayed Lysol on it. For example, when my sister and I were sick, my mom would follow us around spraying Lysol on everything we touched. (The only thing stopping her from spraying us with Lysol was the warning label on he bottle, which she surreptitiously called “merely a suggested usage.”)

What’s more, our toys were 10 times as dangerous as the ones on this list. I mean, I may not be remembering this properly, but I’m pretty sure that I had a toy that used actual gun powder. And look at me – I turned out fine. I have a blog for Christ’s sake.

So I decided to make a list comparing the so-called “dangerous” toys of today with the most dangerous toys of my youth, to show these W.A.T.C.H. people what danger actually is and to hopefully persuade parents everywhere to put their children in harms way a little more often. It’s called “natural selection,” and it’s worked well-enough so far. Don’t stop now.

Go, Diego, Go Animal Rescue Boat vs. Disc Shooter

Go, Diego, Go Animal Rescue Boat: Apparently the boat’s orange and yellow paint has excessive amounts of lead in the paint. So if the child was left alone with it for days on end and used its barely formed baby teeth to gnaw away at the surface, eventually the kid might be a little dimmer than the other kids.

Disc Shooter: How about a gun that shot coin-sized, plastic disks at a high velocity with minimal predictability? This wasn’t just a hazard to me, this was a hazard to my mom, my sister, the dog and, as I imagined it in my head, the monster in my attic, which is why I sometimes slept with it at the foot of my bed. Bitch monster never messed with me. (Note to Monster: If you somehow come across this, you know I’m just kidding about the bitch thing, right?)

Sticky Stones vs. Sponge Capsules

Sticky Stones: These small stones with magnetized centers could be ingested and easily passed, unless you eat so many that they become magnetized into a giant cluster in your small intestine.

Sponge Capsules: I see your magnet cluster and raise you my sponge capsules – colorful pills that looked exactly like Mike & Ikes that, when put in liquid, would blow up into big sponge creatures. In other words, ingest one of these seemingly delectable capsules and suddenly there’s a Brontosaurus in your stomach. But hey, at least he’s not a big scary magnet.

Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger vs. Slip ‘N Slide

Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger: This dagger, which the child can strap to its wrist, spins with the push of a button making it a potential hazard if the kid sticks his wrist in his eye.

Slip ‘N Slide: Here’s a more plausible scenario: You go running down a wet lawn, jump belly first onto a thin sheet of plastic and slide uncontrollably for 25 yards. But it’s cool, you definitely cleared out all the rocks from the lawn first, right? And you moved the swing set? And there aren’t any trees in your back yard, right? I mean, come on, kids are responsible; they take the proper time necessary to ensure safety when setting up toys. Otherwise you run the risk of breaking your wrist and poking your eye out with the protruding bone.

Dora the Explorer Lamp vs. Lamb Chop Sing-a-Long Talking Book

Dora the Explorer Lamp: The exact wording from the W.A.T.C.H. website: “This product is not marketed as a toy. It is marketed as a lamp and it even says that it is an electronic device. However, when in a child's room, it looks like a toy. A colorful Dora sits atop a light. A child may want to play with Dora and there are risks of fire and burns.” OoooK.

Lamb Chop Sing-a-Long Talking Book: Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture for this one. I searched for this thing so deep into Google that I got to the sexual results. Like this:

Oh and maybe I should note this wasn’t my toy. It was my little sister’s. And it wasn’t inherently dangerous, but my friends and I made it dangerous. It was a talking book where you created the story. You would press one button for the subject of the sentence, one for the predicate and one for the direct object, and when you were done the book would read it back to you in Lamb Chop’s voice. So you could make lines like, “Lamb Chop . . . stuck a paw into . . . a bucket!” My friends and I thought it was funny to make up lines like, “Hush Puppy . . . stuck a paw into . . . Charlie Horse!” We would stand the book on a table and video tape it, and at the end of each sentence we would knock it over in some way, be it with a punch from off screen or a bowling ball or a golf club. (The thing was amazingly resilient.)

Anyway, the dangerous part came when we got so excited about it that we took it out in the driveway and programmed it to speak and then hit it with our car. We laughed and laughed and laughed, but the truth is someone could have really gotten hurt.

(Ed. Note: One of my dreams that I will never follow through on is to find that videotape, wherever it may be, and convert it to DVD so I can upload it to YouTube. It’s times like these where I wish I had follow thro–

Lil "Giddy Up" Horse vs. Easy Bake Oven

Lil "Giddy Up" Horse: The toy comes with a "Pet Sak" that, when securely placed over a child’s head, can restrict their air flow. Ironically, this sort of unnecessary overprotection is sometimes referred to as “suffocating” your child.

Easy Bake Oven: THIS WAS A GODDAMN OVEN, PEOPLE. You’re talking about a Pet Sak over here meanwhile kids were playing with OVENS. I’m 28 years old and I’m still not allowed to play with the oven.

Spider Man 3 New Goblin Sword vs. Hot Wheels Slot Cars

Spider Man 3 New Goblin Sword: With a push of a button, the blade expands to over 3 feet long. Sounds pretty cool, I actually want one.

Hot Wheels Slot Cars: So with your Goblin sword, you’ve got what, a 3 foot radius of danger? Try a 10 FOOT RADIUS OF DEATH. These cars zipped around the track so fast that on sharp turns they would literally fly (like birds of prey) through the air, regardless of how many babies’ underdeveloped craniums were standing in the way. I once saw one of these go through a Sheetrock wall. I’m only half kidding.

Hip Hoppa vs. Hungry, Hungry Hippos

Hip Hoppa: This is a modern day pogo stick, which is clearly thousands of times more dangerous than the pogo sticks children have been playing with for centuries. (Yes, centuries.) Next year’s list will probably include “Jumping: Jumping has been determined to cause damage to the knees, and it is possible that children may lose control of their emotions and squeal with delight, which could damage their vocal chords.”

Hungy, Hungry Hippos: Innocent game of hippos gobbling up marbles? Or fucking crazy winner-takes-all slamfest of kids punching plastic levers as fast as their little hearts can beat? Have you ever seen the look in a child’s eye when they are playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos? It’s deranged. Like at any moment they could snap and just start shoving the marbles into their own mouth.

B'loonies Party Pack vs. Castle Grayskull

B'loonies Party Pack: Because of its bright colors, this toy may seem edible, when in reality it is not. (Quick toy idea: Edible toys. How much of a mind-fuck would that be to kids. Like a transformer that is normal in every way except that you can eat it.)

Castle Grayskull: Sure, the slime that came with this may not have been too appetizing, but it was dangerous in a totally different way. I mean, this toy was fucking scary. I had nightmares about Skeletor raining slime down upon He-Man. What was the slime? Where did it come from? Did it burn? How could He-Man, with all his strength, escape from a substance which can’t be fought?! Plus, the castle snapped shut real tight and you could totally get your sister’s hair caught in there. Trust me.

My Little Baby Born vs. Slap Bracelets

My Little Baby Born: There is a pink pacifier that is attached to the doll with a ribbon, meaning that a child could remove the pacifier and choke on it. My simple solution? Make the pacifier the size of an actual friggin pacifier. You know, the kind that are made to go in kids’ mouths. OR, stop buying your babies toys of themselves. It’s creepy.

Slap Bracelets: It’s kind of the same danger really, a little pink pacifier and a sharp fabric-coated bracelet of doom. The entire point of these things was to do exactly what was most dangerous – to slap them hard against your flesh. Honestly, it’s like marketing a saber as a “Tag-You’re-It Rod.” (Hmm . . .) And they were the coolest thing around. I’ll never forget the time Jennifer Cappiobianco let me slap bracelet her. (I’ll leave it at that.)

Rubber Band Shooter vs. Sky Dancers

Rubber Band Shooter: Actually, this one is pretty hard to beat. My dad made me a rubber band gun when I was young and it was one of my favorite things. Granted, if it misfired and you were holding the gun up to your face to aim it at something, the rubber band snapped back square into your eye. But I fought through the adversity – there were plastic cups that needed to be knocked down, and I was the man that had to do it.

Sky Dancers: Perhaps the most dangerous toy ever. (Again, not my toy. I had two sisters. I could only play with the plastic cups for so long.) Basically, you loaded the Sky Dancer into the base and then you shot her spinning into the air. Her wings were made of hard plastic and I swear she spun at something like 2000rpm. Of course, being a boy, instead of shooting it up into the air I liked to shoot it at people. Luckily, I never actually hit anyone. Except those plastic cups, who had it coming.


Blogger Derek James said...

AMAZING POST! funniest one I've seen in a long time and that's saying something. Loved the "birds of prey" comment on the toy race cars - that one really cracked me up!

Seriously Dan, a few blogs a week just isn't enough to satisfy all of your readers, the gap from Tuesday to today seemed unbelievably long....

Keep it up, take care
- Derek

November 16, 2007 at 4:50:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Immunity system? I think you mean immune system.

November 16, 2007 at 4:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

I knew it sounded weird for some reason. Valuable lesson learned: Your immunity system doesn't work against meth. :(

November 16, 2007 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome..i still play with firecrackers in dorito bag then thro(at someone) and BOOM!!! i still do that..i actually go arrested once..

November 16, 2007 at 5:20:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Rachele said...

My friends used to dip their arms in kerosine and light them on fire -- the kerosine burns off and your flesh remains pink, supple and unblemished, albeit a little warm. Still, it was fucking scary.

November 16, 2007 at 5:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger fort knocks said...

My cousin filled a doll's head with black powder and dropped a match in it. His face melted like the guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but who needs cheeks, honestly? Kids ARE pussies these days.

November 16, 2007 at 6:01:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my God, you are hilarious.

I hunted you down after someone emailed me that JC Penney post (yeah, I know a bit like a stalker, but only a little bit) and I have not been disappointed.

Oh and Rachele, I am so going to try that kerosene thing on my kids this afternoon.

November 16, 2007 at 7:07:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Leah said...

Wasn't the JC Penny post written by Johnny Virgil?

November 16, 2007 at 7:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger ~Angela~ said...

Well played. Very much enjoyed this.

November 16, 2007 at 8:04:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back in my old daycare they used to force us to wear those slap bracelets. Even though every kid got their eye nearly gouged out they still forced us to wear them

Funny post^^

November 16, 2007 at 9:30:00 PM EST  
Anonymous ann m. said...

My parents must have hated us. We were allowed to play with the slip n slide in the FRONT yard...facing the driveway...or the street. We looked like a little motorcycle gang with our hardcore road rash.

November 16, 2007 at 9:37:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

artofarkansas = porn site. who knew?

November 16, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger rik-kidlat said...

i still have to be disappointed by your posts. yes, i take the time to read them as you did take the time to write them.

i learned to swear early on by hearing it from my grandmother shouting at me for flying kites from the sloping roof of her two story home.

i'm looking forward to more of your "insights".

November 16, 2007 at 10:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Great post! I remember when I was a kid and took my brother's bow and arrow toy (seriously my stroller sucked). No wonder the kids these days are soft ... look at the toys they got to play with.

November 16, 2007 at 11:07:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doesn't matter how much you try to safeguard toys, kids can and WILL make anything dangerous. I don't know about you, but my favourite adjunct to play was a box of matches.

November 17, 2007 at 3:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger Random Chick said...

I actually had one of those sky dancer things. My sister and I both had one. They were pretty cool!

November 17, 2007 at 3:49:00 AM EST  
Blogger R.E.H. said...

I remember a gun I had as a kid. You'd put a piece of paper inside it, and a built in flashlight would light up the image of a ghost or something else you had to shoot.

In order to see the target, however, you had to be in a pitch dark room... ok, a kid with a gun in a pitch dark room - a recipe for disaster?

November 17, 2007 at 6:01:00 AM EST  
Blogger kismetic said...

I laughed the most at the Lamb Chop talking book in anticipation of how Dan & Co. managed to make it say something dirty. Well done.

I play While you were sleeping over and over and it makes me wish I were in love with someone other than me. Good stuff.

November 17, 2007 at 11:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Big ups to you for making mention of Castle Greyskull.

You know my favorite He-Man guy? Stinkor. He looked like a skunk, and his special power an overwhelming stench. I don't know how that impacted his rivals, but I'm guessing the stink was such that someone like Ram Man couldn't even muster the strength to head-butt him with such thick B.O. permeating the area.

The toy stunk too, and if memory serves, it kind of smelled like someone splashing on a shit-ton of Old Spice after going 20 miles on a stairmaster in sauna. What my friends and I discovered, or maybe we just read it on the back of the toy's package, but let's just say we discovered it, if you left him in a confined, air-tight box, his stink would intensify!

Dangerous only to the nose. They just don't make toys like that anymore, and if they did, I'd still be playing with them.

November 17, 2007 at 6:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Soap1 said...

I'd like to add Teddy Ruxpin to the "dangerous toys of our youths" list. He was really creepy.

November 18, 2007 at 9:14:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dan said...


November 18, 2007 at 12:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Susan said...

We try to follow George Carlin's advice - wherein swimming in raw sewage builds a strong immune system. I'd tell you more about it but I have to go stop my kids from eating their Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.

November 18, 2007 at 4:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

One word; Jarts.

When I was a kid, one of our favorite pastimes was putting on socks and running across the basement floor (concrete) and seeing how far we could slide. Sure, it's all fun and games until someone puts their head into a cement block wall.

I have to chuckle when I see kids on their trikes with helmets. I remember my crazy uncle tying a rope to the back of his snowmobile and attaching a metal saucer. Put on your snowsuit and hang on for dear life as he'd tow you throw a field. With big bumps. When I think about it I can't believe we lived through it... seriously.

Great work Dan!

November 18, 2007 at 10:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Mill said...

Anyone remember Manglor? Somewhat similar to the Castle Greyskull playset, except 10 times more disturbing. Main features were: 1) a bucket of a highly viscous, mucus-like slime (Manglor Mountain), and 2) sticky, rubbery action figures that you could dismember and then reattach the limbs. I remember tearing off Manglor's head and sticking it where his leg used to be. A kid could choke on a disembodied head!!

November 18, 2007 at 10:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Abigail Road said...

Hungry Hungry Hippos was made by the devil himself. Incidentally,I hear that he also invented Monopoly.

November 18, 2007 at 11:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Christophe said...

Dan, you're right here: parents are raising children nowadays to be pussies. Why is that? Because parents are pussies themselves, who "took" a child (I always thought the verb was "get" a child, but it seems that it has changed nowadays) but don't want to spend the time actually educating them (going to the restaurant-sauna-whatever and making loads of money wasted on cars and big houses is apparently more important than getting the next generation ready for the world). It's just far easier when your child is a pussy because it will be less likely to cause the parents to have to make efforts parenting (like keeping truly dangerous objects out of their reach, like hand grenades, land mines and tactical missiles - all things found in a common household -).

I slowly see this whole mindset creep in here in Europe, and I'm appalled. What's wrong with having children experience danger? If they don't know what it is, how are they ever going to recognise it as an adult, where the danger is potentially far worse than whatever a child could undergo?

Oh, by the way Dan, you forgot to list all board games in existence. I mean, dice! Talk about random death by choking! ;)

November 19, 2007 at 4:18:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Tara said...

The scariest thing about a slap bracelet was that if you wore it long enough, the fabric eventually wore off on one end. Then, if you peeled it back, you realized the inside was actually a very cool, iridescent metal. Unfortunately, it was also a very sharp piece of metal. I may or may not still have a scar on my left wrist from that damn thing.

Also, I was cracking up at work remembering the lamb chop thing. We were, what, like 16? Didn't we have anything better to do, like drugs or sex?

November 19, 2007 at 8:13:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

My bike was my biggest danger. My best friend Chrissy and I used to to turn the front wheel completely around on our bikes on order to make them look like motorcycles and then we'd play C.H.I.P.S.

I was John, she was Ponch.

The only problem was when we turned the corer riding side by side we would run into eachother...No helmet, not pads, pure head on concrete action.

Her dad would also drive us up to the cabin on the weekends while drinking an entire six-pack of Special Ex and smoking at least a pack and a half of Kools....all while we were in the back of their conversion van playing Barbies.

God, I miss those days.

November 19, 2007 at 12:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

ugh - i cant believe you wrote so much,,,i didnt get to read it lol

November 19, 2007 at 1:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was little my best friend (2 years my senior) told me there were death certificates in the heads of Cabbage Patch Kids (mine happened not to be a Kid but a Premie). Anyway, I took a really sharp pencil and poked a hole in the back of my doll's head so i could get the death certificate. Needless to say there wasn't one and I was left with a doll with the lead tip of a pencil rattling around in its head. (For the record I did put a Bandaid on it.)

November 19, 2007 at 4:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Sabrina said...

Lawn Darts, anyone?

November 20, 2007 at 11:30:00 AM EST  
Blogger Abigail Road said...

My mom bought me a slap bracelet watch a couple years ago for Xmas. Everyone wanted to play with it, and relive their youth. A few nights later, I was at the bar, showing off my watch. I slapped in on my wrist, and the actual "watch" part, flew off and hit some emo kid in the face. Haven't owned a watch since. Good times!

November 20, 2007 at 12:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleepyrn said...

I grew up on a farm. We jumped from 30 foot high rafters in the barn into piles of loose hay. We jumped from big boulders into the reservior at the edge of the farm _ without checking the water for submerged objects (gasp). Road motorcycles around the farm from the time we could shift the gears (we did wear helmets though)and basically did anything we damned well pleased and somehow survived. My children were raised on the same farm and I let them do all the same things. They survived too. They actually learned Not to repeat things that may have caused pain the first time.

We - and they - played in the barnyard which had the ever present
horse and sheep shit. Mud puddles were pure joy and anything that fell out of trees - apples, pears, chestnuts...were eaten right off the ground - horrors.

We survived, my kids survived, and we actually have very strong immune systems because of all the germs we faced.

November 22, 2007 at 8:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Green said...

Slap bracelets got banned at my middle school in NY.

November 24, 2007 at 7:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Ryan said...

In a classic, "It's not loaded" scenario:

I shot my childhood friend with a bb gun at point blank range.

I was fine.

November 27, 2007 at 12:30:00 AM EST  
Anonymous big daddy ben said...

"Hip, hip hop, hip hop anonymous? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones."

November 30, 2007 at 4:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Benjamin Rubenstein said...

I have a friend who doesn't believe in using anti-bacterial soap, either. He thinks that drinking alcohol kills everything, and amazingly he never gets sick. But, he's a borderline alcoholic so you may need to drink a lot if you take his advice.

November 30, 2007 at 4:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger i am the diva said...

This post is pure gold!!
popped in via Five Star Friday... worth every second!

April 18, 2008 at 2:16:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous jennifer said...

This post makes me wanna run out and play with my lawn darts.

April 18, 2008 at 3:59:00 PM EDT  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:21:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous ilene said...

My friend recommended this blog to me, so I have been reading backwards... the blog is absolutely fantastic, but this post was by far my favorite. Your description of children playing with Hungry Hungry Hippos is spot-on. Amazing.

May 21, 2009 at 3:27:00 PM EDT  

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