Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas Wishlist: Volume 3

What: Abandoned baby hedgehogs

Why: Apparently, due to some unseasonably warm weather, the United Kingdom has an abandoned hedgehog epidemic. Back in May, unusually high temperatures led scores of irresponsible hedgehog moms to come out of hibernation early and give birth, scheduling be damned. This led to a surplus of premature baby hedgehogs, who had to be removed from the wild and admitted to the Prickly Ball Farm Hospital for postnatal care. Now, just a few weeks ago, the warm weather has again fouled up the hedgehog’s way of life (damn you, Big Oil!) leading to a scarcity of food. The fledgling hedgehogs, not yet big enough to fight for their meals, were left undernourished going into hibernation season, which would spell trouble when it came time to wake up in Spring, because they would have starved to death.

So the Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital (where do they come up with these names?) took in as many of the abandoned hedgehogs as they could and nursed them to health. Here is where I step in.

According to the article in the Daily Mail, the next step for these hedgehogs is to prepare them for the wilderness:

“The animals will gradually be weaned onto solid food and then taught how to fend for themselves before being released back into the wild aged four or five months.

I feel like I’ve already taught Puppy everything I know, but I met him so late in life (he’s already four) that he’s already set in his ways. What I want more than anything is to have an impact on these hedgehogs, to be able to say, “Do you see that hedgehog stabbing that other hedgehog with that dagger? He made that dagger himself. I taught him how.” These hedgehogs got the short end of the stick from the second they were popped out of some unforgiving mother hedgehog’s vagina. No one gave them a chance, and now I want to show them how special they can really be, like Denzel Washington in “The Great Debaters.” Plus, they’re surprisingly cute, aren’t they?!

How: My guess is that Tiggywinkles and Prickly Ball Farm will be happy to have found a home for the little rascals, so there shouldn’t be a problem there. The only problem will be transporting them. I’m not sure exactly how you ship hedgehogs from the UK, although I imagine it would involve one of those containers like when you order steaks online.

Anyway, let’s do this good Christmas deed. Not for the wilderness or global warming activists and certainly not for the UK. But let’s do it for the orphaned hedgehogs. For the holidays.

What would you do if it was one of your own?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so into you.

The only way I could like you more is if you finished that damn book.

December 20, 2007 at 4:30:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tiggywinkle is the last name of the hedgehogs from a Beatrix Potter tale. The more you know...

December 20, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

As for shipping, I'm guessing that bubble wrap is out of the equation.

December 20, 2007 at 4:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger kismetic said...

Yeah. Beatrix Potter. Weren't you ever a child?

December 20, 2007 at 4:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where on earth did you find pictures of crippled hedgehogs??

December 20, 2007 at 8:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Listen to what I said...

Long live Puppy!

December 21, 2007 at 8:47:00 AM EST  
Blogger PMJG said...

That's one of the most adorable tragedies of nature that I've ever seen.

But what happens if one of those hedgehogs takes a dagger you taught him to make and turns on puppy?

December 21, 2007 at 9:24:00 AM EST  
Anonymous slc said...

Dan, Brooke and Puppy:

Merry Christmas! Love your blog and your life!

December 21, 2007 at 3:56:00 PM EST  
Anonymous k. said...

the phrase "the second they were popped out of some unforgiving mother hedgehog’s vagina" reminded me in a horrifying way of that movie 'teeth'. this is hard to reconcile with the cuteness of hedgehogs in hedgehog casts.

also did you know hedgehogs eat cat food!! so maybe you could get a cat or puppy could start eating cat food and then it would be a two for one! (jk jk PUPPY NEVER CHANGE)

December 21, 2007 at 6:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Lara B said...

If I had a hedgehog of my own, my dog would totally confuse it with the hedgehog squeaky toy (which, incidentally, doesn't really squeak and instead sounds precisely like Mr. Quack, who I likely need not tell you is a duck squeaky toy) and chomp down on it with his puppy teeth...

December 26, 2007 at 11:34:00 AM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:46:00 AM EST  

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