Monday, December 3, 2007

Hey, Where’s Everyone Been?

Here’s a joke.

Q: What has a big dick and took off last week?
A: Me on a jet.

No, I wasn’t on a jet last week. That’s why it’s a joke. It’s not true.

The truth is, I tried to come up with some good excuses for my absence, like I was off in Mexico fighting the war on drugs with my bare hands, or I cut my peyote with bleach and ended up in Vancouver as an extra in a Steven Soderberg film, or that I’m actually Santa Clause and I was called away to squash another union uprising in the toy factory. I wish I could throw one of those excuses on you all and leave it at that, but then I get to thinking: Maybe I was wrong when I made that promise to myself all those years ago to never pass up an opportunity to cloak the truth with a more entertaining lie. Maybe now that I’m getting older it’s important to share a genuine part of myself with the world, with history, lest I be remembered only for my walk on role as a Peyote dropping Santa Clause with fists of steel and a heart of gold.

So the truth about why I was out last week is this: I was S.A.D. Which means I wasn’t just sad like when Heather got voted off America’s Next Top Model, it means I was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. In case you haven’t heard of it, S.A.D. is that disease that makes you want to kill yourself when it gets cold outside. According to my guesses, over 5,000,000,000 people suffer from it, and out of those 5,000,000,000 S.A.D. sucks for me the most. (It’s a statistic, don’t argue with me.) The disease kills by attacking a person’s ability to exist without sunlight and warmth, thus rendering them pasty and fat.

Basically, every year as soon as the weather gets cold and it gets dark as soon as I’m done with lunch, I start to feel S.A.D. I fight it off as much as I can, like a rape victim who had one too many body shots, but in the end S.A.D. has its way with me. For a week (give or take) I am completely non-responsive.

Here are some things I do when I am S.A.D.

1. Cry.
2. Eat.
4. Watch TV.
5. Drink.

Here are some things I don’t do when I am S.A.D.

1. Laugh.

So you can see how it might be hard for me to blog when I am S.A.D. On top of that, I was writing this article for Esquire and the research got me all worried about dying in a myriad of different ways. All in all, it was a week to forget.

Luckily I’ve come through on the other side (thanks to some truly awesome reruns of “Dawson’s Creek” on the N network)1., scotch, and a Puppy, who taught me that despite the cold temperatures and having been neutered, life can still be happy.

Another boring day straddling the couch.

Bloody hell, it’s snowing!2

I must alert Dan. This is my chance to cheer him up.

Look how much fun we are having.

Really, you are the biggest downer in the world. Why must you constantly bring me down? Can’t you just enjoy the snow? Come on, stick your face in it. It’s fun.

My feet are freezing. This isn’t worth it. He can play by himself if he wants. I’m going inside.

1. This is a real channel on my cable system. The “N” Network. They refer to themselves as “The N.” Maybe I’m the only one that thinks it’s a little racist? Besides, how do you get off showing “Dawson’s Creek” on “The N”? I’m probably reading too much into this. I’m probably also watching too much “Dawson’s Creek.”
2. FYI, Puppy has a proper British accent.


Blogger Red said...

I love that you watch Top Model. I was really sad when Heather was voted off, but you know she wasn't gonna win anyway...even if all the remaining girls look pretty tore up compared to her.

Glad you are back...

December 3, 2007 at 4:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


December 3, 2007 at 4:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cath said...

Sorry you had such a S.A.D. week! I have trouble with that myself. Glad you're back. :)

December 3, 2007 at 4:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ursula said...

I love your couch.

December 3, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mo said...

At least you still have your modesty. Oh and that awesome red couch.

December 3, 2007 at 4:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger GoMommy said...

It's about freakin' time!

December 3, 2007 at 5:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

After watching only three of the PSAs in your Esquire article (I seriously couldn't stomach more), I can understand why you may have wanted to curl up in a ball and, well, die. I was pretty damn tired of looking at the tampon turkey, but now I'm almost wishing for it back, because I'm officially S.A.D. ... and I live in Florida, where it's currently 75 degrees and fairly sunny. Maybe the pictures of your cute dog were meant as counterbalance for those of us who checked out the Esquire piece ... for that, I'm thankful. I'm now trying to concentrate on puppies, butterflies, rainbows ... anything that can take the hurt away. Thanks. Really.

December 3, 2007 at 5:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Lara B (why can't I leave a link? Boo) said...

Do you know, the infamous "they" sell these weird light-box things that are supposed to help people with S.A.D.? Looks like a scam to me, but hey, I'm all about giving advice when none is requested, so perhaps you could try it.

Anyway, sorry last week sucked, and I'm glad you are back since I only started reading your blog when the tampon turkey arrived.

December 3, 2007 at 5:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger ~ Ms. Cute Pants ~ said...

What? I'm surprised the Pharm companies haven't marketed a drug for S.A.D, yet!

Cute dog tho! You're lucky he didn't take off on account of his daddy suffering from S.A.D.

December 3, 2007 at 5:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alison said...

As soon as I started reading this post I thought "Uh! He's over us! He's going..." Because, you see, I've been burned before: I caught you as you were leaving your last blog. Once bitten.

BUT, I can tewtally sympathise with the whole crap weather rut, up until the point where you get snow. You get snow, dude. Things could be worse. We're a good 37degrees south of the equator and our winters are wet IF we're lucky.
Mind you, we get a hot Christmas, which rocketh.

December 3, 2007 at 5:59:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank GOD i'm not the only one!

December 3, 2007 at 6:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger Liz said...

As one of the other 5 gazillion S.A.D. sufferers, I feel your pain. Aren't puppies supposed to be like four-legged sunshine though? Hold him over your head and see if you cheer up.

December 3, 2007 at 7:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger twoleftfeet said...

Haha, I just finished reading your Esquire article and your new blog (which I had been waiting for for awhile, haha). I was feeling pretty down today (and for the past few days) and as wrong as those PSAs were, I still laughed. Thanks. :-) Your blogs are a constant source of entertainment.

December 3, 2007 at 8:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

This post was worth the wait.

And your living room (I'm assuming that's what you call that room) looks so comfy!

December 3, 2007 at 8:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anna said...

I get a touch of SAD from time to time as well, and I live in Coastal Georgia where the average high in winter is about 50 degrees. If I lived where you do I would just have to curl up in a ball and die. Just looking at pictures of snow makes my feet hurt. But don't worry, you'll make it through!

December 3, 2007 at 9:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Steven said...

I, too, am suffering from SAD after reading this post.

December 3, 2007 at 9:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Can I come play with your British doggie? That will make me not S.A.D.

December 3, 2007 at 10:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Zoe said...

I have the SAD thing too - it makes me feel like i need to rush home from work and go right to sleep since it's pitch black out.

However, I don't have a Puppy. If I did, I can't imagine SAD making me SAD.

I hope Puppy makes you happier soon.

December 4, 2007 at 1:23:00 AM EST  
Blogger Michemily said...

The dumb thing about those light box things is that you feel crappy enough to not want to do anything about it, you know? Who, when suffering from S.A.D., is going to get up and say, "I think I'll go buy one of those light boxes so I can be happy"? It's just not going to happen.

December 4, 2007 at 3:16:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Simon said...

I'm sure you've researched how to fight it - get a full spectrum light, and sit in front of if for an hour before the sun comes up. It works like magic. For some people, I'm not making any promises.

Hope you feel better.


December 4, 2007 at 12:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

I'm so H.A.P.P.Y. you're back. I must've checked back about 4 times, and each time the Tampon Turkey just mocked me.

December 4, 2007 at 1:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger valiantqueen said...

I love that Puppy speaks with a proper British accent! I had to go back and redo that section, and I enjoyed it so much more! One of my 11 year old students took on a french accent today, and I found that most entertaining as well! I think I shall round out the evening in my fake unknown european country accent! Cheers!

December 4, 2007 at 8:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger G said...

Maybe S.A.D. explains my own Hamlet references in the past week. Want to split a sun lamp with me? We can have joint custody.

December 5, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM EST  
Blogger Abigail Road said...

I have been suffering from my own seasonal disorder. I find that living in my pajamas, drinking wine, and watching hours and hours of shitty television helps to get me through. Of course, the occasional mental breakdown is always a super fun distraction as well!

December 5, 2007 at 11:30:00 AM EST  
Blogger Chris said...

I get S.A.D., too, but I call it Seasonal Aggressive Disorder, because the main side effects are anger and resentment over having to wear gloves, which impede your ability to use an iPod effectively.

December 5, 2007 at 12:03:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Tara (London version) said...

I just read your Esquire article while eating my lunch. I feel a little sick.

I haven't seen the UK commercial you posted yet, but this one is all over the place here and it FREAKS me out every time.

December 5, 2007 at 1:09:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh that was so good, ahhh

December 6, 2007 at 2:58:00 PM EST  
Anonymous SLC said...

Glad you're back, Dan - we missed you! Don't worry- it's snowing like crazy here in Salt Lake City, too. I am S.A.D. also.

December 7, 2007 at 12:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Becca said...

I'm a first time reader, and I really enjoyed your blog. I've had depression for some time now, and the winter only makes it worse. Your puppy really is darling, though. Does he have a name?

December 7, 2007 at 1:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger faithstwin said...

My Dad has about 3 months unless he gets a transplant. We, too, are very sad. Hang in there. I know several of us barely are.

December 11, 2007 at 1:55:00 AM EST  
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