Here’s a joke.
Q: What has a big dick and took off last week?
A: Me on a jet.
No, I wasn’t on a jet last week. That’s why it’s a joke. It’s not true.
The truth is, I tried to come up with some good excuses for my absence, like I was off in Mexico fighting the war on drugs with my bare hands, or I cut my peyote with bleach and ended up in Vancouver as an extra in a Steven Soderberg film, or that I’m actually Santa Clause and I was called away to squash another union uprising in the toy factory. I wish I could throw one of those excuses on you all and leave it at that, but then I get to thinking: Maybe I was wrong when I made that promise to myself all those years ago to never pass up an opportunity to cloak the truth with a more entertaining lie. Maybe now that I’m getting older it’s important to share a genuine part of myself with the world, with history, lest I be remembered only for my walk on role as a Peyote dropping Santa Clause with fists of steel and a heart of gold.
So the truth about why I was out last week is this: I was S.A.D. Which means I wasn’t just sad like when Heather got voted off
Basically, every year as soon as the weather gets cold and it gets dark as soon as I’m done with lunch, I start to feel S.A.D. I fight it off as much as I can, like a rape victim who had one too many body shots, but in the end S.A.D. has its way with me. For a week (give or take) I am completely non-responsive.
Here are some things I do when I am S.A.D.
4. Watch TV.
Here are some things I don’t do when I am S.A.D.
So you can see how it might be hard for me to blog when I am S.A.D. On top of that, I was writing this article for Esquire and the research got me all worried about dying in a myriad of different ways. All in all, it was a week to forget.
Luckily I’ve come through on the other side (thanks to some truly awesome reruns of “
Another boring day straddling the couch.
Bloody hell, it’s snowing!2
I must alert Dan. This is my chance to cheer him up.
Look how much fun we are having.
Really, you are the biggest downer in the world. Why must you constantly bring me down? Can’t you just enjoy the snow? Come on, stick your face in it. It’s fun.
My feet are freezing. This isn’t worth it. He can play by himself if he wants. I’m going inside.
1. This is a real channel on my cable system. The “N” Network. They refer to themselves as “The N.” Maybe I’m the only one that thinks it’s a little racist? Besides, how do you get off showing “
2. FYI, Puppy has a proper British accent.