Monday, December 17, 2007

How to Buy a Mattress in 38 Easy Steps (Part 2)

Step 10. Receive delivery of your mattress. It’s a proud moment. Enjoy it. Little do you know it will only last five minutes.

Step 11. Immediately realize your mistake. Just as the mattress delivery men leave, go into the bedroom and jump on the mattress. Realize you have made a big mistake.

Step 12. Don’t vocalize your mistake, because that makes it real. For some reason, both Brooke and I made pretend we loved it. We laid down on it cooing comforting “oohs” and “ahhs” even while our eyes were saying, “What the fuck is wrong with this mattress?” Finally, while laying there pretending to love it, we had this exchange:

Brooke: (shyly) “Do you think it’s maybe a little hard?”
Me: “It’s like it’s stuffed with rocks!”

Step 13. Make up nonsensical excuses.

“Because our last mattress was so soft, this one only feels harder.”
“It was in the cold truck for so long that it needs to reach room temperature.”
“All mattress need to be broken in.”
“It needs a mattress pad. That will make it less hard.”

Step 14. Do research on the internet (because that fixes everything). This is Brooke’s method of solution for everything. The girl has a knack for finding message boards on every topic imaginable. She once convinced me that a build up of toxins in the digestional tract can lead to headaches and sleeplessness. That led to us getting colonics together on our six month anniversary. I don’t like message boards.

Step 15. Call customer service even though it won’t help. After worrying that maybe we were delivered the wrong mattress, we checked the model number on the all important DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tag and called Sleepy’s to ask them to read the model number off the bed we had tried in the store. They put Brooke on hold. And never came back. Brooke said something to the effect of, “I’m going to [blank] that [blankity blank] in the [blank].” Even I’m not comfortable printing what she said.

Step 16. Go back to the store and check for yourself. We decided that we needed to take matters into our own hands. We showered (well, I showered and Brooke changed her pants) and went to check for ourselves. Only we decided that we needed extra motivation to make the trip “fun.” So we made it a race against time. Twenty minutes to get off the subway, up into the mall, through the Target to the Sleepys, check the mattress number and get back on the subway. With Jack Bauer-worthy precision, we made it to the platform with a minute to spare. Alas, the subway arrived 30 seconds too late. (Damn you, MTA!)

Step 17. Regroup. The model numbers were the same, so we were convinced that we had made the right choice. Now it was just a matter of the mattress thawing / breaking in / magically transforming into a different mattress.

Step 18. Try to convince yourself that it is OK, even though every time you sit on it you go, “What the fuck is in there, concrete? It’s like sitting on a park bench!”

Step 19. Make pretend you are still deliberating. We would say things like, “I’m 60/40 on the mattress. 60% it sucks, 40% it’s just bad.” Then we’d laugh about it, but cry on the inside.

Step 20. Take it out on each other. Ultimately, it is better to place the blame. Here, we had to get creative. It was Brooke’s fault because she didn’t like my old, soft mattress and she overcompensated. It was my fault because I had that stupid soft mattress in the first place. And maybe if I took out the garbage before letting it stink up the apartment, we wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.

Step 21. Redefine the problem. It turns out we didn’t pick the wrong mattress. We picked the wrong sized mattress. What we really need is a king-size! Well that was silly of us, now we have to return it. And not at all because it feels like the back of a pickup truck.

Step 22. Spend a long, long, long time picking out your second mattress. When we went back to the store and explained everything to our mattress professional, he showed us tons of softer mattresses. The only problem was that we were so psyched out that we couldn’t tell if the mattresses were comfortable or not. We ended up asking each other questions like, “Do I look comfortable?” “If you were me, would you be comfortable? “What is comfort, really?”

Step 23. Pick out your second bed. You’ll know you’ve found the right one when you lay on it and ask the salesman how much it costs and when he tells you, you say, “Now that’s for two mattresses? Or just the one?”

Step 24. Negotiate the price like a stealthy executive.

Him: “This is going to be about double the price.”
Me: “Sounds great!”
Him: “Plus there is a $250 exchange fee.”
Me: “Love it!”

Step 25. Accept your punishment. After signing the new papers, Brooke and I left happy, saying that we made a simple mistake and did the proper thing to correct the situation. So what if we maybe spent a little extra money. There is nothing more valuable than learning from your mistakes.

Step 26. Put a ridiculously positive spin on your punishment. Eventually, you will have a serene moment where you will realize that this is for the best. You had to buy the wrong mattress in order to buy the right one. Even if you’ve never believed in fate before, you believe it was in play here. You will probably tell the story to your friends, concluding with, “Isn’t it crazy how things work out?” And they’ll be like, “So that sucks that you bought the wrong mattress the first time.” Because they don’t get it.

Step 27. Blame someone else for your punishment, but make it like you won because of your ridiculously positive spin. Actually, it turns out we didn’t spend any extra money at all! Because we got the second mattress at a deep discount, which was then applied to the price of the new mattress as well. And we probably wouldn’t have gotten the same discount had we bought that mattress first because it wasn’t included in the sale! I can’t believe Sleepy’s tried to screw us like that. We’re practically geniuses for subverting their evil ways.

Step 28. Make preparations. Now that we were the proud owners of a not-more-expensive-than-the-last-one-we-bought king sized mattress, we needed sheets. We walked over to Target and found 1000 thread count sheets at a deep discount. We’re on a roll today!

Step 29. Don’t pass up on great deals at Target. Seriously, $2.09 for a box of Honey Bunches of Oats? With almonds? FAMILY SIZE?

Step 30. Receive delivery of your second mattress. Try to remain undaunted by the fact that your new king-sized bed is probably the largest thing you’ve ever owned, your 1994 four door Saturn included.

Step 31. Realize that maybe you were wrong again. I can’t overestimate this: A king-sized mattress is HUGE. The sheets that go on it are huge. When I first sat on the edge, my feet didn’t touch the floor. It felt like everything else in the apartment shrank, except the bed, which was growing and taking over. It was so big that now the bedroom door kind of had no where to swing. Which is a problem if you like to use doors in the traditional sense, with their swinging.

Step 32. Do anything in your power to not be wrong again. Since clearly the bed cannot be the problem, because it is perfect in every way, because you could never be wrong about two beds in such a short time span, it must be that everything else around it has become imperfect. What to do with an imperfect door them? Why take it off, of course! Who needs a door?! It’s 2007 for God’s sake!

Step 33. Don’t learn from your mistakes; learn to embrace your mistakes. So what if we moved into a two bedroom apartment so we could have the privacy of separate rooms, only to take down the things that actually provide the privacy? It’s called rolling with the punches. (Side note: Betraying my cool exterior, this entire sequence of events, which happens faster than I can process it (seriously, the door was off the wall in three minutes), is shaking my core beliefs to their very foundation.)

Step 34. Really, really embrace them. After our first night of sleep, we realized that we hated the sheets we bought. But we were such pros at returning stuff that we figured, Why the hell not?

Step 35. Throw money at the problem. Now we needed new sheets. So off to Bed Bath and Beyond we went. And while we were there, we decided to pick up a few other things we needed, like one of everything in the store, including new king sized pillows, and a bed skirt and candles. At one point I put a basket of fake flowers in the cart and when Brooke asked me what I was doing, I just said, “I don’t know.”

Step 36. Like hug the shit out of your mistakes. When you get home and realize that the blue sheets you bought look horrendous in your green room (who knew!), don’t get discouraged. We didn’t. We actually slept in the, woke up the next day, packaged them up and returned them. It got to the point where I could actually repack the sheets just like they come, in those small, plastic pouches.

Step 37. Put on the finishing touches. You don’t need to subscribe to HGTV to know that a heavy curtain makes a great substitute for a bedroom door. (Hence my trip to the racist death store the other day). And with the right sheets finally in place (three tries doesn’t seem excessive, especially in light of taking two tries for the mattress itself), and the right pillows, Brooke and I were ready to enjoy the mattress. Except we were too tired. We agreed to “enjoy” it this weekend, maybe with some light bondage. But you know what’s exciting in the meantime? Sleeping on your side and not kicking the person next to you in bed. It is a new, revolutionary way to sleep. It’s like, they’re there if you want to grope them or ask for a sip of water, but they’re not there when you want to go to sleep. It’s like you’re suddenly living with a hooker. But, you know, nicer.

Step 38. Bask in the glory of your new bed. There’s a saying that goes: “Working is hard; sleeping is easy.” But I don’t think so. You see, you can’t rest until you have worked for something. Like if someone ever killed my mom and I had to seek out vengeance. Would I sleep at night? No. Not until I killed my mom’s killer. It’s the same thing with buying a mattress. I worked for it. And I’ve earned that sleep.


Blogger Matt said...

I totally think you could have bought a mattress in 36 easy steps. But then again, my father was a mattress mover, so I know a thing or two that most people don't know.

December 17, 2007 at 11:52:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: sidebars

Neil Patrick Harris is my boyfriend. He just doesn't know it. And, a Kimya Dawson's Pandora station rocks.

December 17, 2007 at 12:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

I think you need to post a pic of the finished product.

December 17, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

I'm tired just from reading it. Seriously, did you get a pillow top mattress? Those rock, we have 2.

December 17, 2007 at 1:37:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should have gotten a sleep number bed....

December 17, 2007 at 3:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger PMJG said...

Ah, step 20.
Not taking the garbage out enough, not doing the laundry enough, and not remembering to turn off the outside light have all made cameo appearances in my household discussions of external problems. Good times.

December 17, 2007 at 3:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger Faith said...

Um, I TOTALLY posted a comment on this on was the only one in here thus far...and now it's gone? What happened?

December 17, 2007 at 3:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger Faith said...

Ok, I shouldn't have said "thus far" as it clearly wouldn't have been the only comment up to this point. Post-lunch dopeyness.

Anyway, my comment disappeared, and I wanna know what's up with that. Dammit.

December 17, 2007 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

I, too, have embraced curtains-instead-of-doors. Slamming them shut when you're angry just doesn't have the same effect.

December 17, 2007 at 4:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger MARILYN said...

Laurel and Hardy live. "It's another fine mess you got me into". I have to tell you how much I enjoy your Blog. It enriches my day. Thank you so much!!!!

December 17, 2007 at 5:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Oh how I love you.

December 17, 2007 at 9:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

To summarize: King sized beds - like sleeping with a hooker, but nicer.

Thankfully you didn't summarize, though, as we were able to hug the shit out of your mistakes. And laugh controlably.

December 18, 2007 at 11:18:00 AM EST  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

You should rationalize professionally, because the process is more difficult that it appears and you've obviously perfected the art.

December 18, 2007 at 11:53:00 AM EST  
Blogger faithstwin said...

You have it good: I had to buy a new HOUSE to fit the king bed.

December 19, 2007 at 1:54:00 AM EST  
Blogger Poodle said...

it IS like sleeping with a hooker -- and just like sleeping with a hooker, you have to pay a hefty price (well, at least for really good hookers)

December 20, 2007 at 9:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger plan0 said...

You leave me both scared to by a new mattress and eager for the adventure.

December 30, 2007 at 3:28:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about when buying specialist beds? tempurpedic mattresses & tempurpedic beds will take longer to buy as they need to be tried and tested!!

February 19, 2008 at 4:42:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Frank said...

I own a Memory Foam Mattress and it’s wonderful! Best bed ever! I have a lot of sleeping problems and it solves all but my girlfriend’s snoring! I think the government should pay for everyone to have Memory Foam Mattresses!

February 20, 2008 at 10:56:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Onlineshopper said...

Buy online. Great selection, Excellent prices. Go for a site that offers a trail period. You may even get free memory foam pillows as part of the deal.

February 2, 2009 at 4:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous bob said...

I found a website related to eco friendly memory foam. It is a awesome website with best quality foams.

December 10, 2009 at 6:43:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer to buy a queen mattress besides of the wide capacity of the bed its also comfortable to sleep. mattress store Prospect Park

August 25, 2011 at 10:59:00 AM EDT  
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January 22, 2013 at 6:58:00 AM EST  
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November 26, 2015 at 6:07:00 AM EST  
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February 9, 2016 at 12:08:00 AM EST  
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August 27, 2016 at 4:08:00 AM EDT  
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October 1, 2016 at 5:20:00 AM EDT  
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January 7, 2017 at 7:44:00 AM EST  

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