The mountain lion pounced on Jim during a hike in Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park in northern California. With Jim's head literally inside the lion's mouth, Nell began to beat the animal with a log.
All the while, Jim managed to talk to Nell.
“He said, 'There's a pen in my pocket. Get the pen and poke it in the eye,'" Nell said. "I jabbed it and expected it to go right into the eye socket. It went in a little way. It was like it was hitting this table."
It’s people like this that ruin it for the rest of us. Just last night I was late for my own girlfriend’s birthday, and now today I’m being force fed articles about wives saving their husbands from mountain lions? Let me guess – that makes you better than me. Why can’t people just act normal in circumstances like this? Like, as a rule, anything involving a mountain lion, you react by running. Mountain lion looks up from eating a deer carcass: Run. Mountain lion is seen sleeping in the shade of a large tree: Run. Mountain lion clenches jaw on husband’s face: Run. Doesn’t this make more sense?
In fact, are we so sure it did happen like this? I’m not saying he’s faking (the wounds look real enough), but I am saying, “Was anyone else there to see it?” Oh, no one? No camera? Just a jack rabbit and a prairie dog? Well how convenient because NEITHER OF THEM CAN SPEAK.
In lieu of these facts, I’m going to go with my version of events, which is as follows:
(Scene: Man bent over at the waist with his head in a mountain lion’s mouth. Wife is standing nearby.)
Man: “Oh my God, do something!”
Wife: “Do what? It’s a mountain lion, it’s not going to listen to me. Besides, what if it hurts me?”
Man: “And what, it’s not hurting me?”
Wife: “Why do you have to be so selfish? You should care about my safety.”
Man: “There’s a pen in my backpack – go get it and jab it in his eye.”
Wife: “Are you serious? That is the grossest thing I have ever heard. I am NOT going to . . . ew, I can’t even say it.”
Man: “Who’s being the selfish one now? My head is in a lion’s mouth and all you can think about is not getting your hands dirty.”
Wife: “Wait, I missed that last part. You’ll have to speak up.”
Man: “Probably because my head is in a lion’s mouth!”
Wife: “Probably what?”
Man: “You’re impossible. Now I hope this thing kills me.”
Wife: “Stop being so dramatic.”
Man: (trying to close lion’s mouth down tighter) “If I could just get this tooth into my neck . . .”
Wife: “Fine, go ahead. Ruin our hike. This is just like the time you were late for my birthday.”
Man: “Yeah, this is just like that.”
Wife: “I was standing there for half an hour and I couldn’t get in touch with you!”
Man: “There was a misunderstanding!”
Wife: “Oh don’t start again with the misunderstanding.”
Man: “Look, I messed up, OK? I know I did. But if you get my head out of this mountain lion’s mouth, I promise you it will never happen again.”
Wife: “Maybe I overreacted too . . .”
Man: “No, no. It was my fault. I should have been there. It was your birthday.”
Wife: “I know, but I was cranky, it had been a long day and I was stressed out from work and packing for the move . . .”
Man: “Honey? I’m losing a lot of blood here.”
Wife: “Right, OK. So I have to do the pen thing? Really? No other ideas?”
(The mountain lion sees an antelope out of the corner of its eye and lets go of the man’s head to go pursue it.)