I got this email from my friend Matt this morning:
Worst place to be when terrorists take you hostage? Shitter. I think I'd be able to convince them to at least let me wipe a little, but I would first off be uncomfortable wiping in front of them, and God knows they wouldn't let me close the stall door. And secondly, I'm not a 1, 2, 3 wiper. I like to be thorough, so I'm sure at some point the guy with the gun would say "that's enough, that's enough" and make me get up. NOW, not only am I in a hostage situation, but I've got a smelly, uncomfortable butt. Fast forward 20 minutes and the other hostages start smelling something. You can disguise a fart and pawn it off on someone else, but not a shit ass. So people would start thinking I shit myself in fear. I'd have no choice but to stand up to the terrorists to prove myself and probably die.
I think the moral of the story is that sometimes being prepared means thinking outside the box. Just something to think about.
On to the questions.
I'm a 36-year-old straight woman. For six months, I was dating a guy I thought was nice and normal. One way my boyfriend showed he cared, or so I thought, was by massaging my feet after work (I wait tables). Then he confessed that he has a foot fetish. He wasn't rubbing my feet to be sweet or tender or considerate, but for his own selfish reasons. I dumped him. He was very upset and is still begging me to take him back.
We had been talking about marriage, but that's over now. I don't want to be with someone who has a fetish. How can I know if he wants me back or just my feet? Do you think I should continue to date him?
This reminds me of the famous biblical story of the wise King Solomon, recounted below from Wikipedia:
Two "harlots" approach Solomon, bringing with them a single baby boy. Each mother presents the same story - She and the other woman live together. One night, soon after the birth of their respective children, the other woman woke to find that she had smothered her own baby in her sleep. In anguish and jealousy, she took her dead son and exchanged it with the other's child. The following morning, the woman discovered the dead baby, and soon realized that it was not her own son, but the other's.
After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Please, My Lord, give her the live child - do not kill him!" However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours - divide it!' Solomon instantly gave the baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother's instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that her only motivation was jealousy.
Clearly what you should do is show up at his house with a sword. Your natural inclination will be to say something dramatic, like “If you wanteth my feet, you shall have them!” However in a situation like this it is always better to be perfectly clear. Tell him that if he loves your feet so much, you will cut them off and then he can rub them whenever he wants. But be sure to remind him that then you will have no feet, which will not only be painful and inconvenient for you, but will also render you hideously deformed, thus unlovable. This is the only way truly to know if it is just your feet or your whole body that he loves. And your personality, whatever.
Short of an act of public amputation, you could always try taking him at his word that he wants you back. Lucky for you if your boyfriend's fetish makes you feel good. My girlfriend has a dinner-cooking fetish and a dick-sucking fetish, and I tip toe around and speak in hushed tones so as not to anger the gods or disrupt my perfect universe. (OK, that's not entirely true. She hates cooking.)
Do you think Valentine’s Day is an important holiday or just an excuse to sell cards, make single people feel unloved and cause tension in a new relationship?
Suicidal in Sunny South Florida
I think it’s a travesty that a holiday celebrating something so beautiful has been so commercialized. It is a testament to the insidiousness of our modern corpocracy that we can pervert even ideals so pure as love for the sake of a buck.
Indeed, the origins of the holiday suggest a nobility and purity that belie the modern celebrations of chocolates, flowers and flavored massage oils. It is said that during the rule of Roman Emperor Claudius II, young men were ordered to remain single so that Claudius could bolster his armed forces. However, St. Valentine, a Roman priest serving under the emperor, refused to abide by this and performed marriage ceremonies in secret. Eventually, he was caught and sentenced to death by Claudius.
Death in repayment of fighting for love. I can’t believe no one has made a movie out of this yet. It could star Gary Oldman as the ruthless Claudius and Will Smith as the idealistic St. Valentine. This way we could appeal to a mixed race audience. It would open on Valentine’s Day and we would call it Bloody Hearts, because horror movies tend to open much higher than dramas, especially on holidays. This could be huge.
If you are in an open relationship (sex-wise) with your husband for 8 years (open=honest) and then you:
1) find out he's been writing sickeningly sweet, XOXOXO emails to your best friend for the past year & screwing her for two months even though she's on his "no" list and
2) find out he's been hooking up with *guys* on Craig's List and then lying to you about it
3) tell him he's a moron for screwing up what was, quite possibly, the best arrangement any guy has had EVER
4) tell him to get the fuck out of your house
How long should he wait before considering it polite/appropriate to send you a text message requesting that you be his "safe phone buddy" for his next Craig's list hookup? Is six days a little quick, or, and I just being unreasonable? Also, how long do I have to wait to sleep with him in order to avoid sending him mixed messages?
Of Course I’m From Virginia in Virginia
It’s always tricky when your husband sleeps with the wrong other woman, let alone the wrong other man. Normal grace periods do not apply. But I ran the numbers and this is what I came up with:
1. He should wait 15 days before asking you to be his “safe phone buddy.” A good way to show him that you are unhappy with him for jumping the gun and asking for such a favor after only six days would be to agree to help him, and then turn your cell phone off that day. So when he is being strangled by a psychopathic, well-endowed man and he manages, somehow, against all odds, to grasp for his phone and dial your number, he will know as it goes immediately to voice mail that he has made a huge mistake.
2. You should wait 60 days before sleeping with him again. I know this seems excessive, but given the circumstances you will need at least 60 days for your self-esteem to get just back to the point where having it shattered one more time will take you to depths of self-loathing you previously thought never existed.
What do you think about the law they're trying to pass so you can't listen to your Ipod while you cross the street?
I think that this is typical of a stiff Republican administration. You just know this wouldn’t be happening if everyone were going around with Windows-based music players. What other things will they prevent us from doing while we cross the street: eating French Fries? sacrificing animals in constitutionally sanctioned pagan rituals? abortions? gay sex? I would say we should take our fight to the streets, but for one thing that’s so ironic and for another fighting seems like a lot of hard work. Instead we should all blog about it. That’ll show ‘em!
(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at email@example.com)