Friday, September 28, 2007

Q&A Friday!

Hey, you guys may not know this, but check it out: Moving sucks. Brooke and I officially make the move down to Brooklyn this upcoming Monday, and so far all I can say is I am utterly baffled by girl’s idea of packing versus a boy’s idea of packing.

I’ve moved many times before and I’ve always done it myself. Rented a truck, bribed my friends with beer and pizza and just did it. Packing consisted of putting similar objects into the same shoe box/shopping bag/hamper and carrying them to the truck. I wouldn’t wrap up my plates and glasses, reasoning that maybe someone would want a drink or a snack while moving, so that could wait until the very end. Then I would end up riding in the truck with my dishes on my lap.

But girls have a totally different sensibility. I think Brooke calls it “organized” or some other word I’m unfamiliar with. Professional movers? Labeled boxes? Bubble wrap? It’s like I’ve been having sex a certain way my whole life, but then I met a porn star. And of course the sex is better, but it’s a lot harder, too. It takes a level of planning which I am not accustomed to. To wit, after packing up my bathroom last night, I awoke this morning to realize I left no soap in the shower. So I washed myself with one of Brooke’s facemasks. My scent right now can be described as a combination of petunia and clay. Also, it tingled my special place, which I don’t mind.

Onto the questions.

Dan,

I am in a country band. I wrote a song about gay cowboys, peppered liberally with references to Brokeback Mountain. Now whenever my band plays that song, the girls never talk to me after the shows.

Does this mean I’m gay?

-Simon

Gay is a relative term, just like smart and cool and British. I think I would need to know a little more about the song in order to make a decisive judgment on your sexuality. For example, in the song do you make mention of wanting to spend the rest of your life in a loving relationship with a man? Or references to how the vagina repulses you and how a Cynthia Rowley sample sale is like totally heaven?

Most importantly though, you must ask yourself this simple question: When you sing the song, do you sing it from the heart? Do you mean what you are saying? Do you sing like Bryan Adams, with a tenderness and a sincerity in your voice? Man, I love Bryan Adams.

(Note: Finding Bryan Adams attractive is not an indication of homosexuality. Bryan Adams is a cross-gender sex symbol. It’s true, I looked it up on Wikipedia – no citation necessary.)
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How much time are you wasting at work?

[link expired]

I wasted a couple minutes reading this, cutting and pasting the link and then typing this email.

What this awesome reader is referring to is a news story about workers wasting company time on the internet. Unfortunately, I wasted so much time in between receiving this email and posting it that the link has expired.

Luckily, I dug up a cached version, and here is an excerpt detailing the gist of the article:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Americans who feel bored and underpaid do work hard -- at surfing the Internet and catching up on gossip, according to a survey that found U.S. workers waste about 20 percent of their working day.


An online survey of 2,057 employees by online compensation company Salary.com found about six in every 10 workers admit to wasting time at work with the average employee wasting 1.7 hours of a typical 8.5 hour working day.

This is a ludicrous survey. Anyone who wastes as little as 1.7 hours a day on the internet clearly doesn’t know how to use the internet. I would say that, on average, I waste a solid 6.5 hours a workday. I waste so much time on the internet that I have come to feel as though that is my job. Like I get frustrated sometimes with all the blogs I have to read and, WTF, another panda video to watch? Do they just keep video cameras on pandas 24/7 like Britney Spears? So then, when someone hands me some real office work to do, I’m all stressed out like, “Are you kidding me?! How am I supposed to get to this done? I haven’t even checking my MySpace bulletin board yet today. I’ll be here until 8:00!”
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Dear Dan,

I'm 5'9, but because I hit a bit of a dating dry spell (but more because I was really drunk when I met him and didn't remember much about him) I agreed to go out to dinner with a guy who is 5'5. After dinner was over and we said goodbye, he slapped my ass and said "honk, honk." Seriously. Now I obviously never want to see him again, but he keeps texting me. I'm not sure what to say -- should it be something like "If you can find a way to ride Space Mountain, I'll go out with you again?" thereby totally demoralizing and emasculating him or should I say something about the ass honking incident, even though if the guy was a normal size, I would probably have completely overlooked it because I'm desperate for male attention?

Also, do my endless cracks about his elfin stature make me superficial? And if so, should I care?

First of all, you sound like my kind of girl. So drunk that you don’t remember how tall someone is? Can you say “champion”?

Second, no man has the right to say “honk, honk” unless he is a goose. Or a two-year old impersonating a fire truck. I don’t care if the guy was a friggin’ Dean Cain look-alike. You never say “honk, honk.”

So, in my opinion, you have every right to demean this guy to the fullest extent. Of course, this email is so outdated at this point that either you’ve settled down with him and started a family or you’ve pushed him over the edge and he is now recovering from a painful heightening surgery (it’s real, I saw it on “Nip/Tuck”).

So, just for my sake, text him this picture:

This is especially fun if you are still dating. Ah, memories.
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I want a post about how you got your girlfriend through your blog.

See, if I ever start reading the blog of a cute guy, I want to know what the best way is to weasel myself into his life to make him my boyfriend.

I'd like to know what tactics Brooke used to wrangle you in.

Thanks!

Hold on. Cute? Really? I always thought of myself as “interesting” looking. Like more runway than print model. But you know, I’m not ashamed to admit I use moisturizer every day. And I take a multi-vitamin with anti-oxidants. But cute? That’s just too much!

As for how we met, I actually wrote a post about it here. And there was very little wrangling involved, unless you include the wrangling in the sheets! (High five myself). Even now as we move into this apartment together, there remains no wrangling. Just a genuine mutual appreciation, and a genuine mutual hatred of moving. The real trick in landing a boyfriend or a girlfriend is finding common ground. And the best place to look is under the sheets. (High five, one more time.)

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a questions? Email me at redactedblog@gmail.com)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m Not Sure I Agree With This

splash-emergencykit

While reading my gmail today, I noticed one of the adds on the side for a product called the “Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit.” As you might be able to infer, it is a kit full of tools for a girl who is irritable because a bird just shit on her car. It retails for $31.95 and includes the following:

abtekit_LRG

Here’s my problem: I get that there is a market for this product. Some might even call it a need. Fact: Birds poop. Fact: Sometimes it lands on your car. No questions about it. But what I want to know is, Who is buying this? Who is the consumer for what amounts to the Roles Royce of bird poop cleaning kits? Kids maybe? I don’t know. Like when a twelve year old buys his dad a shoe shine kit on Christmas, maybe he’ll buy his mom the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit? I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see the demand for such a product being met adequately by this product. And here’s why: Because for centuries this product has already existed. It goes by many names: Rain, the guy who washes my car, paper towels. But at the core it is all the same. Just like shit happens, so does cleaning.

So in an effort to help out people who might not want to shell out $31.95 for a poop cleaning kit (plus shipping and handling!) I have devised a way to get the same results for a fraction of the cost using everyday items you will already find in your car.

Step #1: Bird poops on car.

bird poop on car

Boy, that’s a big bird.

Step #2: Assess the damage.

471840223_ee35b809f1

Yep, looks like the bird did, in fact, poop on your car.

Step #3: Get a cleaning agent.

The Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit comes with water, windshield cleaner, and wax. I’m here to tell you this is overkill. Animals in the wild have been crapped on for centuries. Yet whenever we see a lion in the wilderness, we don’t say, “Why is he covered in bird shit?” That’s because he uses his resourcefulness to clean himself. Just like we will here.

Here are some fluids you might have handy in your car:

aquafina

Water

diet-coke-1771

Diet Coke

SiphoningGas_Full

Gasoline (via siphon)

starbucks

Grande Soy Latte

Ding ding ding! We have a winner. The combination of the warmth and liquidity of the Starbucks drink will help emulsify the poop and wash it away.

Step #4: Find a cleaning wipe.

Starbucks-Napkins-Catalog1

Well, you have your Starbucks, right? And you’re not a heathen, right? So you have some napkins? SO SIMPLE, YET SO CLEVER.

Step #5: Begin to clean.

Start by pouring the warm coffee drink onto the poop. Then apply the napkins, rubbing in a circular motion. Depending on varying factors such as duration of poop on car, temperature and driving speed, the poop may have hardened significantly by now, even to the point of fraying the napkin. The solution?

starbucks_front

No, not a $31.95 “shop towel.” How about that protective sleeve around your latte. You know, the durable yet flexible cardboard band you conveniently discarded not realizing that you had the perfect scraping device right in the palm of your hand? Oh yeah, that one.

Alternate scraping, wiping, adding additional warm coffee drink as needed.

Step #6: Rinse and buff.

After the spot has been removed, pour some water over the area. If you do not have any water with you, pour some additional coffee on the area.

Don’t be fooled by fancy buffing kits such as the one included in the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit. Everyone knows that the best natural buffer out there is the human breath. Full of moisture and cells, your breath will do just as good a job as any expensive polish. Simply exhale warm breath onto the cleansed area (being careful not to get too close, there was shit there after all) and then wipe quickly with a dry napkin. Voila! The shit is gone, but your $31.95 plus shipping and handling isn’t.

And the real joy? That you’re not supporting a company whose motto is “Because Everything is Cute Until It Poops.” (Ed. Note: That’s not the company’s motto.) Are you telling me that nothing that poops is cute? Babies aren’t cute? Is this what they’re trying to say? Once something poops, it is immediately rendered ugly? I think that’s discrimination. Poop discrimination. And I, for one, know it to be false. I know because I’ve actually picked up his poop. and guess what? STILL CUTE, ASSHOLES.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Kid Nation Proves Just How Boring Kids Really Are

WARNING: This post will include jokes made at the expense of children. While conventionally frowned upon, I’ve justified the mocking thusly: It is OK to make fun of people who have more than you. This is why celebrities are always fair game, because the gift bags they receive at awards shows cost more than I make in month. Of course, these kids don’t have more than me right now (I have a job and a girlfriend and a blog), but relatively speaking (i.e., when I was a ten-year old non-TV star) these kids are celebrities. All I wanted when I was young was to live in the wild west. To live in the wild west and own a microwave. And my mom said no on both accounts. So, I apologize in advance, Josh, but you were asking for it.

Brooke and I couldn’t have been more excited for “Kid Nation,” the new CBS reality show that put 40 kids ages 8 to 15 in an abandoned New Mexico sound stage town with no adults to supervise them. Their goal? To make Bonanza City a success . . . ALL ON THEIR OWN!

To me, this idea is ripe with possibility. When I first heard about “Kid Nation,” I was angry that I hadn’t thought of it myself. Part “Survivor,” part “Kids Say The Darndest Things,” part Latin American child labor laws. How could this go wrong?

We were giddy when it came time to watch. We had TiVo’d the first half so we could watch the whole episode commercial free. Armed with bowls of Frosted Flakes, we plopped down on the couch and took it all in.

And it sucked.

Well, I won’t go that far. For unintentional comedy, you can’t do much better than one kid waking up late and finding that there’s no breakfast left. (WELCOME TO POVERTY, KID.) But for what it could be if the concept was executed to perfection, this product is a disappointment. It was like “The Real World” if you neutered the cast and kept the house sober – just a bunch of yelling and crying and confusion. And what it lacked, it lacked in spades: Reality.

I’m a veteran enough TV viewer to understand that reality shows aren’t actually “real.” They are scripted and edited just like any other program. But if any reality show had the promise to succeed in a true reality format, this would be it. Why? Because it’s not a contest. It’s a sociological experiment that asks the question, “Can these kids not die in the next 40 days?” And, honestly, I’m intrigued by the answer. I want to know if one of these kids will accidentally drink bleach. (Fact Check Time! Indeed, four kids did accidentally drink bleach during their stay. None died.)

The bottom line is, the show, so far, isn’t living up to its promise. It needs help, and I am the person to help it. Here are a list of my suggestions to improve the show, which I have emailed to the executives at CBS. Hopefully something good will come of this and within a few weeks we’ll all witness for the first time on television two young children engage in a five round bare-knuckle fight over a live chicken. That’s how you get ratings.

Problem #1: Adult influence.

As in, there’s way too much of it. Starting with the cameramen. How can you call the kids isolated from adult supervision when there are constantly 40-year old cameramen ten feet away? That’s a built-in safety blanket. You can’t honestly tell me that even though the cameramen are instructed to not interact with the kids that if a kid fell down in the wilderness and broke his leg that this would happen:

Pioneer Kid: “Camera guy! Help me! Please! I think my leg is broken!”
Camera guy: (looks casually off into the distance, pretending he hears nothing)
Pioneer Kid: (crying hysterically now) “It hurts so much! Please, help me!”
Camera guy: (to colleague on radio) “I’m losing light here, I’ll meet you back at the trailer.”

Of course not. He would do what any respectable human being would do. He would help him.

WRONG.

I want a reality show where that kid finds his way back to town on his own. Where the rest of the town forms a search party for him with flaming torches, and when they finally find him some kid lays his torch down to help and accidentally sets the forest on fire. I want a town wired with closed circuit, motion sensored cameras. I want kids looking directly into camera like The Blair Witch Project saying, “Please, send adults. It’s terrifying. Please.” I want the truth.

Problem #2. Too much crying.

I’m not going to say that I never cried when I was young (I did lose a turtle, after all), but you’re in the wild west. There’s no crying in the wild west. These kids need to toughen up. In the real wild west no one cried. Hookers would get beat up and even they wouldn’t cry. They would just shoot the guy. Which brings me to my next problem.

Problem #3: Crime / Violence.

Any time you strip civilization of any hierarchical structure of governance, crime and violence are the foremost result. But these kids, under the supervision of producers, are at a disadvantage. According to Kid Nation’s participant agreement the kids have basically given up every right to privacy in order to be on the show. This includes giving the producers the right to search their belongings and their person at any given time, even granting producers permission to use an x-ray machine.

This makes it impossible to capture the true grittiness of the wild west. No guns? No knives? No drugs in your rectum? BORING. As it stands now, the single best development the show could make would be to add a law enforcement unit (made up of kids, of course) and build a jail cell. Then let the kids write the laws. Would they become liberal or conservative? Would the sheriff rule with an iron fist? WOULD SOMEONE GET MURDERED? I need to own a television station, STAT.

Problem #4: Racial profiling.

Is it just me or are the black kids just there for show? I don’t remember one interview with a black kid (of which there are six). And the “Town Council Members”? Hello, white bread! The only ethnic council member is Anjay, and – I’m not one to make judgments – but . . . well:

All I’m saying is, we all saw the color cheese he made.

Problem #5: Real world problems.

So far, the most boring aspect of the show is that the kids don’t have to do much. They cook breakfast in the morning, presumably they cook dinner at night, and then they fool around during the day. Again, the problem is that there is too much adult interference. How much free time would you have on your hands if a powerful storm ripped the roof off one of your houses? Now all of a sudden you’re 11 years old and you need to build a roof. What are you going to do about it? Someone falls off the roof during construction and breaks their leg. What are you going to do about it? (I have an unhealthy fixation with one of the kids breaking their leg.) One of the boys wants to hang out with one of the girls, but everyone is making fun of them. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

(Side note: If you read the participant agreement, you’ll also notice a section about how the producers aren’t responsible for any pregnancies or STD’s which may occur on the show. That’s right, Greg, they’re talking to you. Incidentally, a portion of Greg’s Q&A from the CBS website:

Q: If you could put into place one law that pertains to kids in our country, what would it be?

A: None.

Q: If you were in charge of education, would art class be as important as math?

A: No.

Q: Do you belong to any organizations or clubs?

A: No.

Go get ‘em, Greg.

Problem #6: The leaders.

And by the leaders, I mean the kid with the glasses. Ya burnt!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Unfortunately, I’m Really Busy Today . . .

. . . But don’t think for one second that I am going to ignore “Kid Nation.” Not for one second.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The 1st Annual Round-Up of The 59th Annual Emmy Awards

59thPrimetimeEmmyHdr

I’d like to think that I don’t do much for humanity. No wait, that didn’t come out right.

I’d like to think that even though I don’t do much for humanity, there are still some ways in which I may act as a contributing member of society. Which is why every year for the past year, I have given to you the most comprehensive commentary on a small selection of Emmy Award categories. As a citizen, it is important to me that you don’t get too wrapped up in society. You need to embrace escapism. And it is my job to ensure that as few victims as possible watch “Two and a Half Men.”

So print this article out, and when you sit down with your friends to watch the Emmy Awards this Sunday night you can wow them with witty observations like, “I can’t believe 30 Rock didn’t win! These voters wouldn’t know funny if it sodomized them with gardening shears.” Hopefully you don’t still live with your parents or with children above the age of five.

On to the awards.

Note: I don’t cover miniseries because I hate them. But here’s the strange part – I don’t hate them because they’re bad, I hate them because they have the unfulfilled potential to be great (which is also what my dad used to tell me before bed). Seriously, how come more networks can’t put together a solid miniseries? I’m sure it has something to do with ad revenue (doesn’t everything), but you’re telling me that the next overly ambitious drama series about a string of kidnappings that somehow ties into global warming that crosses some exec’s desk couldn’t be pulled off in a blow-your-loadesque miniseries instead of a drawn-out, boring, cancelled-after-three-episodes series? (See: “The Nine.”)

Outstanding Casting For A Comedy Series

Desperate Housewives • ABC
Entourage • HBO
30 Rock • NBC
Ugly Betty • ABC
Weeds • Showtime

Should win: Hmm, and we start out with a tough one. Not! “30 Rock” is the clear winner here. Not one person seems out of place in their cast, meanwhile the entire Desperate Housewives cast seems hopelessly awkward. What they should be desperate for is a man’s attention. They’re not getting any younger.

Will win: I’m guessing there is some sort of sabermetrics system used to judge these things because common sense would be too simple. And in this system, the quirkiness factor for “Ugly Betty” is off the chart. I mean, they’re a different nationality, but they speak English! Give them an award!

Did win: “Ugly Betty” My first win is unsatisfying due to the racial motivation of my pick.

Outstanding Casting For A Drama Series

Brothers & Sisters • ABC
Friday Night Lights • NBC
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC
Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip • NBC
The Tudors • Showtime

Should win: I don’t really like “Grey’s Anatomy” because it makes me feel like a woman on her period, but I have to admit they were doing a great job on their casting right up until Sandra Oh. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is about her that bothers me, but that’s only because I can’t get close enough to her to put my finger on her face. Likewise, I loved “Studio 60,” but Sarah Paulson (Harriet Hayes) was painful. How’s a person supposed to root for love when it’s so unattractive? In a pinch, I’ll give “Studio 60” the edge for the brilliant Bradley Whitford.

Will win: “Grey’s Anatomy” won the award last year (hello, research) and I fail to see how a show can win two years in a row. It’s not like they recast the entire show. You’re going to give them an award for not changing anything? For being complacent? So I’m going with “Friday Night Lights.” Everyone loves high school girls kids.

Did win: "Friday Night Lights" This one feels good. Just like high school gir . . . kidding!

Outstanding Choreography

Dancing With The Stars • Episode 303A • ABC • Louis van Amstel, Choreographer
So You Think You Can Dance • Ramalama (Bang Bang) • Fox •
Wade Robson, Choreographer
So You Think You Can Dance • Calling You • Fox •
Mia Michaels, Choreographer
Tony Bennett: An American Classic • NBC •
Rob Marshall, ChoreographerJohn DeLuca, Choreographer

Should win: Have I mentioned yet that I am a huge SYTYCD fan? (That’s “So You Think You Can Dance” to anyone who isn’t cool.) I’ll be happy if either Mia Michaels’s piece or Wade Robson’s piece wins. I’ll also be happy if my little sister’s friends don’t start referring to me as “Catherine’s gay brother.”

Will win: I can’t imagine either “Dancing With The Stars” or “Tony Bennett” (reminder: It’s 2007) winning. So if I had to choose between the two SYTYCD numbers, I would have to go with Mia Michaels’s. If I ever married a deaf girl, I would learn to dance like that to show her how much I loved her. Oh god, I actually made myself barf. I can’t believe I did that. It’s all over my desk now.

Did win: "So You Think You Can Dance: Ramalama (Bang Bang)" "So You Think You Can Dance: Calling You" "Tony Bennett: An American Classic" Apparently all three won? I don’t know how that works but I’m giving it to myself.

Outstanding Commercial

Animals - American Express
Battle - Cingular
Happiness Factory - Coca Cola
Jar - GE
Pinball - Pepsi
Singing Cowboy - Truth
Snowball - Travelers

Should win: I thought it would be fun to choose this category without having any idea what they were talking about. Isn’t it a little presumptuous that the public would know the titles of commercials? “Battle – Cingular”? Oh, is that the one where the cell phone service cuts out at the worst possible time? I know that one, it’s so original! You know what would be a good one? If a pretty girl is on the phone with her boyfriend and an intruder in her home creeps up behind her and she has only a split second to scream before he gags her. And as she unleashes a blood curdling plea for help, her cell phone service cuts out. (Cut to scene of boyfriend: “Hello? Katie? Was it something I said?” Cut to scene of girl: Intruder on top of her, taking off his pants.) NOW who’s signing up for Cingular?

Will win: “Singing Cowboy.” Because those Truth ads make me want to quit smoking and I don’t even smoke.

Did win: "Animals – American Express" FUCKING HORSESHIT. My perfect game is ruined. And I’m cutting up my American Express card.

Outstanding Hairstyling For A Series

Dancing With The Stars • Episode 303 • ABC
Deadwood • A Constant Throb • HBO
Desperate Housewives • It Takes Two • ABC

Rome • De Patre Vostro (About Your Father) • HBO
Ugly Betty • I’m Coming Out • ABC

Should win: Say what you want about “Deadwood’s” impenetrable dialogue and its moody, oppressive tone, those fuckers had awesome hair.

Will win: Rome. (I know, it was a shocker to me too until I JUST WROTE IT!)

Did win: "Rome" Back on track with a true upset. Do you know how much hair styling is used to make Betty that ugly?

Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup For A Series, Miniseries, Movie Or A Special

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation • Living Legend • CBS
Grey’s Anatomy • My Favorite Mistake • ABC
House • Que Sera Sera • Fox
MADtv • Episode 1203 • Fox
Nip/Tuck • Conor McNamara • FX

Should win: Finally, a category I can sink my teeth into. Get it? Like biting a prosthetic limb? Because you think it’s a real limb? Like wax fruit? No? Oh. Well, “Nip/Tuck” has to win here. Their breast implant operations are so life-like that they actually turn me on.

Will win: I’m going to say “House,” because “House” does two things very well: witty yet introspective banter, and spitting blood. Seriously, every episode someone spits blood and every episode I’m like, “It’s still gross!”

Did win: "House" I officially have a knack for the unimportant categories. Can I parlay this into some sort of consultant work?

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series

Extras • HBO • Ricky Gervais as Andy Millman
Monk • USA
Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk
The Office • NBC •
Steve Carell as Michael Scott
30 Rock • NBC •
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Two And A Half Men • CBS •
Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper

Should win: Ding Dong! It’s our first “Two and a Half Men” sighting, which means, unfortunately, that this show is still on the air. What a grim reminder. Luckily, this category is chock full of great choice: Alec Baldwin. He is head, shoulders and arrogant barrel chest above everyone else.

Will win: I’m not kidding when I write that Tony Shalhoub won this award again last year. You know, America’s leading comedic actor, Tony Shalhoub. Jesus Christ, at least give it to Steve Carell. You know who thinks Tony Shalhoub is funny? Your dad. I’m sorry I had to go there.

Did win: "Ricky Gervais " “Oh, uh, I’m a bumbling Brit. Everything is funny because of my accent. I have dinner with Hugh Laaaaurie.”

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series

Boston Legal • ABC • James Spader as Alan Shore
House • Fox •
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
Rescue Me • FX •
Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin
The Sopranos • HBO •
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
24 • Fox •
Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer

Should win: With the exception of Jack Bauer (who mailed it in in a box full of crap last season) this category is stacked. For me, the Hugh Laurie thing never gets old. I could listen to him berate people in his fake American accent for days. But before the show goes off the air, I want James Spader to get the recognition he deserves. Because I’m a good man.

Will win: This will be the first of many awards for “The Sopranos.” (Insert joke about it being “a hit.” Ba dum bum!)

Did win: "James Spader" I get a purple here because I wanted him to win and he did. Some may call that “not getting it right” but I call it “write your own blog.”

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

Desperate Housewives • ABC • Felicity Huffman as Lynette Scavo
The New Adventures Of Old Christine • CBS •
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine Campbell
30 Rock • NBC •
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
Ugly Betty • ABC •
America Ferrera as Betty Suarez
Weeds • Showtime •
Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin

Should win: A surprisingly decent category. Usually when you think of women you think of meatloaf and cunnilingous. But guess what! In between dinner and dessert (EW!) they can be funny too. Unless their name begins with a Julie and ends with a Dreyfus. Then you get your ass handed to you by Tina Fey. Ya burnt!

Will win: Brooke says Tina Fey might take it. But what Brooke doesn’t know is that one time I had a dream where Mary-Louise Parker was a Centaur and when I hit on her, she said, “You can’t get with this. I’m an Emmy Award winner.” Then she galloped off. I think we all see where this is going.

Did win: "America Ferrera" Wow, I was way off here. In my defense, I was never really sure of my prediction. Women can be so unpredictable. But congratulations to America! We’re the best!

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

Brothers & Sisters • ABC • Sally Field as Nora Walker
The Closer • TNT •
Kyra Sedgwick as Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit • NBC •
Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson
Medium • NBC •
Patricia Arquette as Allison Dubois
The Riches • FX •
Minnie Driver as Dahlia Malloy

The Sopranos • HBO • Edie Falco as Carmela Soprano

Should win: I accidentally caught a clip of “Brothers & Sisters” online before and boy Sally Field is getting old. What the hell? TV is for young people. Despite her impossibly large head, Minnie Driver is the choice here.

Will win: Minnie Driver will pull this one out. And not by virtue of the voters being wise, but more because it’s been the same women for the past few years and what this country needs is change. And what Kyra Sedgwick needs is plastic surgery. Immediately. She is getting more and more unattractive by the day. (On second thought, scratch that. I just looked up some old pictures and it turns out she was always ugly. This is what happens when you don’t fact check.)

Did win: "Sally Field" Are we all sure this isn’t an award for that movie she made where she killed her daughter’s murderer?

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series

Entourage • HBO • Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama
Entourage • HBO •
Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold
How I Met Your Mother • CBS •
Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson
The Office • NBC •
Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute
Two And A Half Men • CBS •
Jon Cryer as Alan Harper

Should win: Ding Dong! It’s our second “Two and a Half Men” sighting. Luckily this time we are heavily armed against them. That’s right – Neil Patrick Harris. Barney is taking this one home. It’s going to be legen – wait for it, hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second part of this word is – dary.

Will win: I’m holding out hope for Harris on this one. Really. Dwight is just a heel and “Entourage” has gotten so tragically bad that to give it an award now is like encouraging your dog to hump the couch pillows. Harris rides this rainbow to victory!

Did win: "Jeremy Piven" I’m officially in a losing streak. And Jeremy Piven is on a winning streak. Does it get much sadder than that?

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

Boston Legal • ABC • William Shatner as Denny Crane
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC •
T.R. Knight as George
Heroes • NBC •
Masi Oka as Hiro Nakamura
Lost • ABC •
Michael Emerson as Ben
Lost • ABC •
Terry O’Quinn as John Locke
The Sopranos • HBO •
Michael Imperioli as Christopher Moltisanti

Should win: Is there anything funnier than the T.R. Knight nomination? Anything? Would his statue say “Outstanding Homosexual Supporting Actor”? Surprisingly, Michael Emerson deserves this award. I would justify it, but the carpal tunnel is slowly setting in.

Will win: Masi Oka is taking this home. You can set it in stone. He’s Asian, he’s popular, and to top it off he’s seems really huggable. What’s not to love?

Did win: "Terry O’Quinn" I got confused with this one, I thought we were giving the 2007 awards, not the 2005 awards. My bad.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series

My Name Is Earl • NBC • Jaime Pressly as Joy Turner
The Office • NBC •
Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesly
Two And A Half Men • CBS •
Holland Taylor as Evelyn Harper
Two And A Half Men • CBS •
Conchata Ferrell as Berta
Ugly Betty • ABC •
Vanessa Williams as Wilhelmina Slater
Weeds • Showtime •
Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes

Should win: The first category I really don’t care about. Elizabeth Perkins character took a turn for the eh last season on “Weeds” and let’s face it – Jenna Fischer is just the hottest girl on a show without any hot girls on it, except the new girl who is hot but no one likes because they felt better about themselves when Jenna Fischer was considered hot. Fine, Jenna Fischer, takes the stupid award. Maybe she can use it to scratch out the useless “c” in her name.

Will win: Wow, things really took a bitter turn, didn’t they? It’ll be even more bitter when Vanessa Williams wins this category. And I’ll make some joke about how I hope the Emmy voters “Save the Best For Last.” Holy crap, am I still typing?

Did win: "Jaime Pressly" This was a fun loss because it allowed me to pull out the laptop and prove to Brooke that once upon a time Jaime Pressly was bordering on soft core porn. I’m happy for Jaime, even though I’m still waiting for “Poison Ivy 4.”

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series

Brothers & Sisters • ABC • Rachel Griffiths as Sarah Whedon
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC •
Katherine Heigl as Isobel “Izzie” Stevens
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC •
Chandra Wilson as Dr. Bailey
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC •
Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang
The Sopranos • HBO •
Aida Turturro as Janice Soprano
The Sopranos • HBO •
Lorraine Bracco as Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Should win: How encouraging is this category for aspiring actresses? This is your competition for Emmy Awards. I’m sorry, but Katherine Heigl acts from her chest and Chandra Wilson just acts pissed off all the time. Katherine Heigl: “But look at my chest, I’m sad.” Chandra Wilson: “I don’t give a crap about your sad chest, I’ve got a hospital to run.” Riveting!

Will win: Lorraine Bracco will take it home. It’s a full on homage to one of the greatest shows ever. If this was the Oscars, they would do a poorly choreographed mafia themed dance routine in its honor. Now the only boring dance will be the jiggling of Bracco’s unsupported cleavage.

Did win: "Katherine Heigl" I may never win another category again. How could I be this far off? Am I watching the same television as everyone else? And how is there anyone better at making themselves look less hot than they really are than Katherine Heigl?

Outstanding Comedy Series

Entourage • HBO
The Office • NBC
30 Rock • NBC
Two And A Half Men • CBS
Ugly Betty • ABC

Should win: Ding Dong! Ugly Betty is up for a ton of awards and has been lauded by critics as a top show, so I figured I would watch a little bit of it on abc.com. And you know what? They’re right. Not the critics, but the producers. She is really ugly. I just think it flies in the face of everything TV stands for: TV is for people not pretty enough to be in movies. It’s that simple.

Will win: “30 Rock” is the best show on the list, but “The Office” will take it for no other reason than ratings. Like “The Office” gets good ones and “30 Rock” doesn’t get any. That’s what happens when you put a joke about chicken nuggets laced with AIDS in your pilot episode.

Did win: "30 Rock" I’m not sure whether to be happy with this or not. Remember once upon a time a critically lauded show with low ratings won a Best Comedy Emmy? That show was “Arrested Deve-“ . . . I’m sorry I need a cry break here.

Outstanding Drama Series

Boston Legal • ABC
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC
Heroes • NBC
House • Fox
The Sopranos • HBO

Should win: I feel bad for “Heroes” that their critically acclaimed inaugural season just so happens to coincide with “The Sopranos” final season. Maybe the writers should have given one of the characters the superpower to mysteriously break James Gandolfini’s legs right before taping began.

Will win: You could ask an Eastern European man who has never seen American television in his life who would win this category and he would be like, “ ‘The Sopranos,’ you douchebaga.”

Did win: "The Sopranos" Obviously this is an unexciting win, but how about me predicting a “poorly choreographed mafia themed dance routine”? I should get some kind of points for that. Was there any more awkward moment than when they showed the scene of Andrea getting whacked with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” playing in the background? I know it’s hard to pair music with an execution, but come on.

Outstanding Made For Television Movie

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee • HBO
Inside The Twin Towers • Discovery Channel
Longford • HBO
The Ron Clark Story • TNT
Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy • Lifetime

Should win: I’ve never seen any of these movies, but what’s most troubling is that Lifetime is clearly running out of movie titles. Ten years ago this movie would have been called “My Crimson Womanhood,” but of course that was already taken be the 2001 classic Lifetime original about a mature call girl turning tricks to support Anita, the daughter of her recently deceased crack-addicted neighbor.

Will win: Wounded Knee” for the sole reason that it was on HBO. When will people learn that you can make a better movie when you can say “fuck”? Don’t blame me, it’s science.

Did win: "Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee" Great fucking movie.

Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series

The Colbert Report • Comedy Central
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart • Comedy Central
Late Night With Conan O’Brien • NBC
Late Show With David Letterman • CBS
Real Time With Bill Maher • HBO

Did win: "The Daily Show With John Stewart" By the way, Stewart will be hosting the Oscars again this year. I know, I was hoping for Ryan Seacrest too. He was on fire!

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program

The Amazing Race • CBS
American Idol • Fox
Dancing With The Stars • ABC
Project Runway • Bravo
Top Chef • Bravo

Should win: I only recently got into “Top Chef,” and I have to say that it is truly amazing what these people can do with food. Imagine being married to one of them and just being like, “You have one hour to cook me the best meal ever! Go!” Every night. That’s love. Now blow me.

Will win: How can you care about any of these shows when “The Pick-Up Artist” exists? I know it’s not technically eligible for the 2007 awards, but trust me – if you put Mystery in a club with all the voters, after a few IOIs and some carefully placed negs, they’d be rewriting the rules in between orgasms. Barring that, “Project Runway” wins. And Bravo immediately puts their credibility on eBay to finance their next project.

Did win: "The Amazing Race" Does anyone reading this watch “The Amazing Race’? Is it really that amazing? Because from the previews it looks like a bunch of middle aged people getting lost and saying things like, “YOU WERE HOLDING THE MAP UPSIDE DOWN!”

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series

Extras • Daniel Radcliffe • HBO
The Office • Gay Witch Hunt • NBC
The Office • The Negotiation • NBC
30 Rock • Tracy Does Conan • NBC

30 Rock • Jack-Tor • NBC

Should win: No contest.

Will win: “The Office” will take it, if only for Dwight: “No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

Did win: "The Office" It was a close second for my favorite. You have to appreciate a program that’s doing something different and remains genuinely funny while avoiding the common “setup, setup, joke” format.

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series

Battlestar Galactica • Occupation/Precipice • Sci Fi Channel
Lost • Through The Looking Glass • ABC
The Sopranos • Kennedy And Heidi • HBO
The Sopranos • The Second Coming • HBO
The Sopranos • Made In America • HBO

Should win: I’m not going to bother looking through the “The Sopranos” episodes to see which one was the best. Maybe someone more dedicated would, but my retinas are starting to hurt. And I see these little blobby things floating before my eyes. Help. If I go blind, carry on my legacy. In a TV show. Just don’t cast anyone from “Two and a Half Men,” even if that kid grows up to be really handsome.

Will win:Battlestar Galactica.” In a landslide.

Did win: "The Sopranos" We all know I was joking about “Battlestar Galactica,” right? Setup, setup, joke? Right?

Score tally:

10 right
2 kind of right
9 wrong

(I’ll settle for 57% any day of the week. It’s better than the odds that you actually read this far. On the plus side, I coined a new phrase: pyrrhic mediocrity.)