Thursday, January 31, 2008

Like Kate, I Know A Thing Or Two About Delayed Gratification

In what may turn out to be the saddest turn of events since my mom “tried something different” with a carrot cake for my 8th birthday, I am not going to be home to watch the two-hour season premier of “Lost” tonight.

This means a few things, mainly that everyone I know must avoid all contact with me until I do watch it. Note that I’m not just saying “Don’t talk to me about ‘Lost’.” I’m saying “Avoid me altogether.” I can’t risk that you’ll let something slip, that we’ll be having a nice, non-topical conversation about your favorite Starbucks barista and it’ll slip how she looks just like Evangeline Lily and how CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE FUCKING DIED ON THE SEASON PREMIER. Granted I know that’s not going to happen: If she died the show would be pointless, and if Starbucks baristas looked like her I’d be so jacked up on caffeine I wouldn’t be able to type this.

Still, I can’t risk it. I’ll be able to see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice and read it in between your lines. Granted, it’ll be a bit awkward at first to associate with my co-workers, eyes averted, walking quickly past them in the halls, covering my ears and humming a tune to myself when they speak to me like Brooke once did during a movie preview for a book which she was halfway through reading at the time, sending out emails and filtering all replies directly into my trash. But, sweet Lord, it will be worth every ounce when tomorrow night I can sit in front of my TV and watch two hours of brand new fantastic TV.

In the meantime, let’s talk about something entirely different to distract ourselves:

This guy is a really great drawer!

Seriously, if he was my dad I would stand him in front of a dry-erase board and make him doodle all day. And not just like if I was a kid growing up, I mean like now. Like over the holidays I’d be all, “OK, now make the plane into a giant oak tree! With a dog! Now add a sunset! Make it in outer space!” Eventually I’d be like, “Give her boobs! No, naked ones! Bigger nipples!” and it would get weird. But all father-son relationships are.

(Ed. Note: UPS guy is also kind of an awesome enforcer. I had him deliver this message to everyone I know. I’d listen to him. Something tell me he’s a bit crazy.)


Blogger MonkeyPants said...

OMG, Your mom pulled the carrot cake thing on you too?

Ugh, that was a sad, sad day.

January 31, 2008 at 7:42:00 PM EST  
Anonymous k. said...

i don't want to give anything away, but it turns out it was just a t.v. show the whole time.

February 1, 2008 at 1:46:00 AM EST  
Blogger BSH ADMIN said...

ALSO! The first hour is a recap of all the old shows. *FURY*

February 1, 2008 at 10:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger Camels & Chocolate said...

Please post your thoughts on the first ep once you get through! It was kind of awesome, though I wonder if we're going to be stuck with flash-forwards wondering what they did to get off the island that was so bad until the final season airs. In Lost fashion, they may well happen.

February 1, 2008 at 10:05:00 AM EST  
Blogger Peter said...

I am not sure that I'd want a dad who didn't know enough to make the boobs naked immediately.

February 1, 2008 at 1:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger Plexus said...

So are you bumping into cubicles all day as you clasp your hands over your ears yelling, "Earmuffs!"?

February 1, 2008 at 2:20:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am currently TV-less. I have a friend who is not, and there will be a party this weekend where we gather around ritualistically and nobody talks (unsuppressable outbursts of incredulity are allowed) for about 1:36 (oh the joy of TiVO.) So I feel your pain. In fact the moment that picture popped up the angel on my shoulder was screaming TURN AWAY but the entity on the other shoulder won. I read in that half-peeking sort of way for just long enough to see the qualifier that you were NOT watching, after which I read with joy and abandon. Misery loves company, no? So now I know at least one person I can talk to in the next 24 hours. Everyone else, STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!

February 1, 2008 at 8:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cowgirl Betty said...

I didn't see the season premier as well. It hurt--a lot.

But I am told that good things come to those who wait (like I did last season). I am already prepping a DVD gorging when it is released next year.

All I need to do between now and then is to bury my head in the sand . . .

February 3, 2008 at 1:26:00 AM EST  
Blogger Chris said...

Okay, then I won't bring up the part about when Peter fights the chicken from hell for like 20 minutes just to kill time.

Oh, sorry, wrong show.

February 5, 2008 at 12:09:00 PM EST  
Anonymous SQU1D B4LLZ said...

you all suck panda balls

February 9, 2008 at 1:07:00 PM EST  

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