In what may turn out to be the saddest turn of events since my mom “tried something different” with a carrot cake for my 8th birthday, I am not going to be home to watch the two-hour season premier of “Lost” tonight.
This means a few things, mainly that everyone I know must avoid all contact with me until I do watch it. Note that I’m not just saying “Don’t talk to me about ‘Lost’.” I’m saying “Avoid me altogether.” I can’t risk that you’ll let something slip, that we’ll be having a nice, non-topical conversation about your favorite Starbucks barista and it’ll slip how she looks just like Evangeline Lily and how CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE FUCKING DIED ON THE SEASON PREMIER. Granted I know that’s not going to happen: If she died the show would be pointless, and if Starbucks baristas looked like her I’d be so jacked up on caffeine I wouldn’t be able to type this.
Still, I can’t risk it. I’ll be able to see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice and read it in between your lines. Granted, it’ll be a bit awkward at first to associate with my co-workers, eyes averted, walking quickly past them in the halls, covering my ears and humming a tune to myself when they speak to me like Brooke once did during a movie preview for a book which she was halfway through reading at the time, sending out emails and filtering all replies directly into my trash. But, sweet Lord, it will be worth every ounce when tomorrow night I can sit in front of my TV and watch two hours of brand new fantastic TV.
In the meantime, let’s talk about something entirely different to distract ourselves:
This guy is a really great drawer!
Seriously, if he was my dad I would stand him in front of a dry-erase board and make him doodle all day. And not just like if I was a kid growing up, I mean like now. Like over the holidays I’d be all, “OK, now make the plane into a giant oak tree! With a dog! Now add a sunset! Make it in outer space!” Eventually I’d be like, “Give her boobs! No, naked ones! Bigger nipples!” and it would get weird. But all father-son relationships are.
(Ed. Note: UPS guy is also kind of an awesome enforcer. I had him deliver this message to everyone I know. I’d listen to him. Something tell me he’s a bit crazy.)