Friday, January 4, 2008

Q&A Friday!

Have you heard about this window-washer who fell 47 FEAKING STORIES OFF THE SIDE OF A BUILDING (click picture for actual size of building) . . . and lived? I know there’s that video of the sky diver plummeting to the earth from God knows that attitude and actually surviving, but for some reason in Manhattan things are more real. The concrete is harder, just like the people. (You can quote me on that, New York Magazine.)

I can’t even imagine what must have been going through that guy’s head. My guess is it was something along the lines of, “All this, just to clean a window.” Or, if he had a sense of humor, maybe, “I told them I didn’t do windows!” In any event, that is, without a doubt, one of the most miraculous things I’ve ever heard. Clearly 2008 isn’t this guy’s year, but the fact alone that he’ll see 2009 should give all of us pause while we give thanks for the fact that we don’t wash windows for a living.

On to the questions.

Hey Dan,

I enjoyed reading your time-related idea for a Law and Order episode and it made me think about starting a time traveling business. I've thought about installing a flux capacitor into my girlfriend's car but I'm not sure a Honda Accord would be as quantum physics-appropriate as a De Lorean. I have also considered using a Voyagers! omni but those things aren't very reliable, and a Bill and Ted's-type phone booth would prove too claustrophobic.

I suppose I could hit clients over the head and hope they are inexplicably transported through time, or wait for some Christmas ghosts to take them to the past, present, and future, but I don't deem those as very profitable methods of time travel. What do you think?


I think time travel is (wait for it) outdated. I set my Tivo to record every single episode of the New Years Eve Twilight Zone Marathon, and you know what I realized once I started watching them back to back? An astounding number of them are about time travel. I really believe that in 1960 people thought that time travel was going to be possible at some point in the not-so-distant future..

This proves two things: People in 1960 were stupid, and time travel is a thing of the past. I’m not saying we should abandon all scientific discovery that doesn’t come to fruition right away. After all, I recently read an amazing article about how scientists believe they will be able to reverse the physical signs of aging (without creams or penis pumps or anything) within the next 20 years. Which means that if you are 25 now, in 20 years you will be able to exist as the 25 year old you in the year 2028. THERE’S your modern day time traveling.

I also think that ghosts are scary!
Dear Dan,

I think I'm in love with my best friend. This is the first time I've been in love with a guy. What do I do?

-Dazed and confused.

I’ve never been in love with a guy except for Alex P. Keaton, so I know very little about the real-world romance of a Y chromosome. But all gender bending aside, I did once fall in love with my best friend. She was a girl, and I was a boy, and times were simpler. We would sit in the closet with a flashlight and make shadow puppets together. One day she asked me to take my shirt off. I did, but I felt a horrible, burning shame afterwards. Having up until this point garnered most of my knowledge about sex from “Married With Children,” I assumed that taking off your shirt with a woman was how you had sex. Wrangled with guilt, I agonized over whether or not I had to marry her now. I was seven years old, and my future was flashing before my eyes.

A few months later, she moved away. We never really kept in touch, although I did see her once or twice years later when I was well into my hyper-sexualized though physically awkward teenage years. And when our eyes met, neither of us looked away. We knew there was nothing to be ashamed of. It was only shadow puppets.

I hope that helps.
I must know, what kind of dog is [Puppy]? I'm assuming it's something mixed with a shihtzu?

“What kind of dog is Puppy?” It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times before. He’s the kind of dog that will stand by your side through thick and thin, unless he gets distracted by something jingly or some food or a fanciful whim. If he were a human he would have a dirty British accent, but know impressionist art. He would wear a bowler hat and play rugby. He would recite bawdy poetry when he was drunk. He’s the kind of dog that looks at you when he pees, half filled with pride, half filled with uncertainty that he’s doing it right. He has no interest in sex: He’ll neither kiss your face nor hump your leg. He hates bathes but loves long walks. He is the kind of dog that could wield a gun with deadly accuracy yet loathe the gun for its place in the world. He is the kind of dog that shits happiness everywhere he goes.

In short, he is the kind of dog that would balk at being classified. Sure, technically he is of the Shitzu breed. But as he’ll tell you, if he could, that a breed is just another way of losing yourself to the masses. Puppy is what he is.


Blogger KellynGal said...

Am I the only person who is starting to feel that Puppy needs his own column on your blog

January 4, 2008 at 7:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How could you say Puppy is not loving? You forget his little show with Tess on Christmas Day - literally bringing her to her knees!!!

January 5, 2008 at 10:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger Abigail Road said...

ALL dogs should wear bowler hats. I think they'd like it.

January 5, 2008 at 12:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Andi said...

I'm trying to figure out how penis pumps can "reverse the physical signs of aging."

January 5, 2008 at 2:42:00 PM EST  
Anonymous said...

Can we have a Q&A segment with Puppy? He sounds like he would have fascinating advice....

January 5, 2008 at 8:54:00 PM EST  
Anonymous k. said...

can we all just agree that puppy is the best?

ok thank you.

January 7, 2008 at 2:04:00 AM EST  
Blogger sid said...

LOL! Your description of Puppy is priceless.

January 7, 2008 at 2:06:00 AM EST  
Anonymous This is what I said...

I second that! Puppy should do a Q&A Friday!!!! Although I don't know how that "dirty Brittish accent" would read.

January 7, 2008 at 10:13:00 AM EST  
Anonymous SLC said...

HIGH-LAR-IOUS stuff, Dan! Puppy for President!

January 7, 2008 at 11:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger Alejandra said...

I want a Puppy. Please note the uppercase "p."

January 8, 2008 at 5:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger bill s said...

Thanks for the totally accurate description of Puppy's expression when he takes a leak. My young Lhasapoo (I know what that sounds like and yes, in his case it's sometimes quite literal) looks just like that when he takes a pee (part pride, part WTF).

January 15, 2008 at 2:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous puppyluv said...

How big is Puppy's dong?

January 16, 2008 at 3:57:00 PM EST  

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