Monday, February 4, 2008

Five Reasons To Love The Super Bowl Even If You Didn’t Love The Super Bowl

1. The Underdog Story. Hey, does everyone remember that movie “Little Giants”? Me neither (wink, wink), but apparently it was an inspiring tale about a bunch of misfit football runts who, against all odds, defeat the superpower team from across town. In the climactic, victorious finale, everyone watching the movie cries and their girlfriends get mad at them. But, HELLO, maybe you see a few similarities? “LITTLE Giants”? “BIG, RICHLY PAID Giants”? Starting to ring a bell? I thought so. And yes, I cried. Again.

2. NY / Boston Rivalry. I try not to alienate any of my readers by showing preference for any particular city, but let’s just say that if Boston was on a list with 999 other cities and someone came up to me on the street and was like, “Can you list these cities in an order ranking them from worst to best?” I’d at least know where to start.

3. The Commercials Make You Think That You Could Have a Successful Career in Advertising If You Ever Wanted To Not Work As Hard As You Currently Do. But seriously, does anyone have a better job than Will Ferrell? Bud Light Probably paid him $2,000,000 to show up on the set dressed like a clown and spout out a few lines, which he probably came up with on the spot. I can just see the ad people handing him the script and him replying, “I pee on scripts.” And everyone laughing and him saying, “No, really. I pee on scripts.” Then throwing the script on the floor, taking out his dong and urinating on it, finishing off with a few muffled grunts and one pronounced shake and saying “Now let’s do this thing.”

4. Its Educational. If you tuned in late, you unfortunately missed out an informative lesson on the history of the United States. Even more unfortunately for me, I kind of dozed off and woke up after the introduction, so all I saw were people dressed like it was 1680 again. Which was confusing, because I’m like, “You’re broadcasting in the latest HD technology, though.” Anyway, basically what happened is THEY READ THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Before a football game. Welcome to Odessa, TX everyone – It’s Sunday Night Lights.

I will say this, though. The Declaration of Independence has one hell of a publicist. I bet its Facebook page is going to blow up today. I’d call it the comeback of the night, but . . .

5. Paula Abdul. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to see your mom perform at the Super Bowl, you’re in luck. I just don’t see how this decision gets made: For Paula Abdul to want to attach her name to a new song (I won’t even say “sing”), for a record company to want to support Paula Abdul’s comeback, or for FOX executives to think that the Super Bowl was the right venue in which to show off her super-sexy gyrations. I understand there’s the “American Idol” connection with FOX, but if anything that should make them more worried. The worst part? How everyone got really excited when she started off by singing “Forever Your Girl.” Then it was like, “Oh. She’s not singing an old song, she’s covering a Madonna track.”

BONUS REASON! History Making Performances. Sure, the Patriots didn’t blow up the record books with a 19-0 season, but they can hang their hat on the fact that no other team in NFL history has gone 18-1 and lost the Super Bowl. That’s kind of a record, right?

BONUS BONUS LEASON! Racism. I know it’s not technically racist. It’s was just some pandas doing some funny accents. It’s not like they opened up a huge laundromat and drive away at the end and caused an accident on the freeway. But don’t you just get the feeling that something is a little off? Personally, I think it’s the Waspy Genie.


Blogger Liz said...

Thank you! I thought I was the only person who found those panda commercials and whatever other variations that weird company had completely racist. I was waiting for the outrage this morning, but alas, nothing. I suspect your post will get the groundswell moving though.

February 4, 2008 at 4:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger Trigger said...

When I saw the panda commercial, I turned to my friends and boyfriend and said, "Wow, that was not very culturally sensitive, was it?" And out of the 5 of us watching, my boyfriend and I were the only two to have a problem with it. I found the whole situation very curious...

February 4, 2008 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of racism in Super Bowl commercials, did you happen to notice that in one of the commercials where one person does something nice and starts a chain reaction, blah blah blah, there was an Asian lady struggling to carry an Oriental rug? Oriental, come on is this World War 2 here or what. Or am I maybe overly sensitive based on the fact that I am in no way Asian or any other minority? No that's definitely unacceptable. Write letters people. Lots of letters.

February 4, 2008 at 5:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Lara said...

YES!!! Those panda commercials were definitely off. I also wholeheartedly agree with #3.

February 4, 2008 at 5:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

I'm too lazy to write letters, but I'm not too lazy to write a comment agreeing that's commercials seemed a little racist. Can you even be a little racist, or is it more of a threshold thing that once you cross a certain level you're full on racist? It wasn't just the panda one either. They had the other one with the Indian (I think) guy who talked like Apu and couldn't lose his job because he had so many kids. How does a company like that even come up with the cash to air a commercial during the super bowl anyway?

February 4, 2008 at 6:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger tammy said...

Regarding #2, consider me alienated.

(P.S. You stink.)

February 4, 2008 at 8:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger j said...

cute trick with the "leason" on the bonus bonus. japanese does not contain the "L" sound, which is why japanese people sometimes have difficulty and confuse their "r's" and "l's." but i bet you already knew that, smartypants.

February 4, 2008 at 9:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Tammy, you stink. And we don't want your smelly beantown-loving, minority-hating ass here.

February 4, 2008 at 9:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

Those ads were the worst. I think they might be "edgy" to get some buzz... but I think it is just stupid.

February 4, 2008 at 11:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Tyson said...

I'm a little disturbed that an at least physically mature adult male used the word 'dong' without the word 'ding' directly before it.

February 5, 2008 at 1:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wait, I'm confused. Forever Your Girl WAS a Paula Abdul song. Are you thinking of Material Girl?

February 5, 2008 at 1:13:00 AM EST  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

It boggles the mind how ad agencies have an entire year to ready themselves for the Super Bowl, then, especially the last few year, still manage to totally underachieve. This was the worst commercial year I can remember.

Although the baby talking about stock trading before throwing up was kind of okey dokey.

February 5, 2008 at 8:33:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

I can see how the Paula Abdul comment might be confusing. I know "Forever Your Girl" was a Paula Abdul song - I was just saying that the rest of the act, her "new" song, sounded exactly like a new-age Madonna song (a la "Ray of Light"). I can't believe I'm still talking about this.

February 5, 2008 at 10:21:00 AM EST  
Blogger * said...

1. I concur with Tyson. "Dong"? Really?
2. Feel free to remain in New York. Bostonites may shed a few tears, but in the end it's likely they'll live, even without your approval.

February 5, 2008 at 3:34:00 PM EST  
Anonymous manda.panda said...

I pee on scripts... classic! hee hee

February 5, 2008 at 10:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Canadian Girl said...

Hey there, great blog!

Feel free to check mine out as well.

Have a great day.

February 6, 2008 at 1:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dan uses the word dong without ding before it because he is extremely well hung and therefore entitled to his word choice.

Second: Dan...whenever will you reveal your [other] big secret...?

L.A.S --- knows the middle of the Jena

February 7, 2008 at 12:51:00 AM EST  
Blogger Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Oh, the bar I was at had Paula Abdula performace on mute....and still, it was BEYOND entertaining. So entertaining in fact, that I youtubed it later on.

February 7, 2008 at 1:17:00 AM EST  
Blogger Peter said...

You've clearly given way too much thought to the image of Will Ferrell peeing on a script.

I admire that.

February 7, 2008 at 8:37:00 AM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

You might want to check out the PuppyBowl next year, instead of the Superbowl. My boyfriend and I discovered it last year...basically the Animal Planet shows 3 hours of puppies playing on a mini football field, kicking balls around, rolling around, and just being cute puppies. It's way better than the actual super bowl. =)

February 7, 2008 at 1:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Snark DC said...

Good lord, the panda commercial... I work for the company that owns Sales Genie, and when I saw that on the air I almost died. How stupid does a company have to be to think it's a good idea to run that ad?

They were trying to outdo their "Worst Commercial of the Super Bowl" from last year, and they succeeded. Turns out that racism brings a whole new level of "Worst"

February 7, 2008 at 2:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nicole Koziel said...

Apparently, the guy who wrote the commercials is Indian and he "loves" when his accent is made fun of:

Vinod Gupta, the chairman and chief executive of InfoUSA in Omaha, the parent of, said in a telephone interview Tuesday that a commercial featuring two animated pandas speaking with what were intended as Chinese accents would be withdrawn.

“We never thought anyone would be offended,” said Mr. Gupta, who developed and wrote both commercials himself.

“The pandas are Chinese,” he said. “They don’t speak German.”

Still, “if I offended anybody,” Mr. Gupta said, “believe me, I apologize.”

Mr. Gupta said he planned to keep running the other Salesgenie commercial, featuring an animated salesman named Ramesh who speaks with an Indian or other South Asian accent.

The reason, Mr. Gupta said, was that “more people seem upset about the pandas than Ramesh.”

“People have been making fun of my accent for years,” said Mr. Gupta, who described himself in the interview as half-Indian and half-Jewish. “And I love it.”

February 8, 2008 at 5:54:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Mickey said...

DUDE! Get with the program and write another blog already.


February 8, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Oh, I see. Well, I don't think all the mixing in the world could make that song cool. Actually, I kind of like that stupid, fucking song. "You gotta remember . . ."

February 9, 2008 at 1:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger k said...

Has anyone else seen the OTHER SalesGenie commercial? The one where there's a little girl talking about how much more money her daddy makes now that he gets leads with SalesGenie? And that it makes her mommy happier now, too? And then at the end of the commercial, her daddy comes home WITH PUPPIES FOR HER?

I am NOT making that shit up.

February 10, 2008 at 11:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Painkiller Jane said...

I came across your blog last week and I have to say that you're the baddest of the asses. This is also a plea to write something new, as I don't feel I can sufficiently waste company time & money without something amuzing to read.

February 11, 2008 at 1:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger the frog princess said...

It's gratifying to know that I'm not the only one who sat up and shouted "You have got to be f***ing kidding me!" when that commercial came on.

February 11, 2008 at 2:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nicole said...

Thanks for introducing me to Wolf Parade. Great stuff!!

February 13, 2008 at 11:50:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Leah said...

Happy VD

February 14, 2008 at 1:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Bethany said...

I'm tired of looking at Will Ferrell.

February 14, 2008 at 5:04:00 PM EST  

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