Monday, March 3, 2008

Please Note: I Have Sand In My Chest Hair And I Love It

You know how calendar years have their highs and lows? How after President’s Day there’s this barren wasteland of weeks melding one into the next, not a bank holiday in sight until Memorial Day? And everyone just kind of goes about their business, calming down, spring cleaning, saving money, just kind of . . .

OK, I can’t do this. I’m being interrupted by this obnoxious banging in the hotel room adjacent to mine. And let’s just say that the banging isn’t coming from a hammer, if you know what I mean. It’s coming from a cock and vagina. Basically, he seems very into it; she seems encouraging. Lots of “Yeah baby” and “Oh yeah” and full on grunting. Not the controlled moans that most people use, or the oohing and ahhing of pleasure – but discernible grunts. Like he’s really putting some effort into it. It’s kind of sweet (Beach! Vacation! Anal! Aww…), but at the same time kind of sad. Because while clearly she is proud of his go-get-‘em attitude, if I read her moans between the lines correctly, let’s just say she’s with him more for the fact that he can afford this outrageously luxurious hotel than she is for his work ethic.

None of which really matters because the fact remains that it just stopped and it only lasted about 16 minutes and 49 seconds, based on my unscientific calculations. And everyone knows that the only thing that matters when eavesdropping on other people having sex is if they go longer than you do. And I’m no marathon runner, but I used to bike a good amount. And given good conditions and some even terrain I could pedal for a reasonably long while. It’s not so much that I would get winded – just that, you know, my butt would start to hurt or it would be getting dark. Because at the time I was working construction in the Hamptons and traffic was brutal on the way home, so it got dark early by the time I made it onto the road. Anyway, this metaphor jumped the rails somewhere around “butt,” so let’s just say that I harbor no lingering resentment for room 110 and their afternoon delight.

They did, however, ruin my train of thought. What I was going to say, ironically, was that everything just gets kind of boring. On the flip side, there’s the last six weeks of the year, jam packed with Thanksgiving, and family, and shopping, and Christmas, and parties, and presents, and getting fat and drunk on nostalgia and the good scotch, and then maybe throwing up on a street corner on New Years’ Eve because the hope fostered by brand new resolutions can’t overcome the self-loathing of 15 years of unfulfilled expectations, and champagne makes you feel fancy, like that job you promised to quit four years ago doesn’t matter so much and maybe that girlfriend you meant to dump back in June isn’t so bad after all?

Point being, since Brooke and I first decided that we were moving to Miami a little over a month ago, it’s been like those last six weeks of the year, but like times 1000. So much has happened – and we’ll get to all that in due time, most likely in “Lost”-style flashbacks – but right now, here’s all that matters: I’m an uncle. And normally I am the first person to claim that all newborns look the same, but if you ask me, Ronan here’s got some good features going for him, some real personality in his face, kind of like a young Paul Newman.

Excuse the bags under his eyes – he’s tired from his long trip down the birth canal.

The fact that all our worldly possessions are on a truck, which was delayed halfway between New York and Miami by some sinister snow storm? We’ll deal with that when the time comes. (Which will hopefully be Wednesday, because these Gap shorts I had to buy are going to be reeeal funky by then.) In the meantime, I will happily sit here basking in the adulty feeling of having a nephew – new job, new apartment, new city, newly intimate relationship with my temporary neighbors, all be damned.

And for the record, Brooke loves me for my work ethic. I could never afford our current digs. Brooke’s company generously put us up here until our furniture is freed from the foothills of North Carolina. Puppy, it turns out, has a real taste for luxury.


Blogger Peter said...

Congrats on the unclehood. It's an awesome club.

Little dude already seems to suspicious of digital cameras. Good call.

March 3, 2008 at 1:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bex said...

Now THAT is a good looking kid. You'll be buying him beer on the sly in a few short years...enjoy it!

March 3, 2008 at 1:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger -J said...

Good times. Congratulations on being an uncle.

Your rss feed is broken, or spitting out truncated posts. That may or may not be intentional.

March 3, 2008 at 1:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger k. said...

"uncle dan, what's a blog?"

cute kid. i say, give 'em a gap commercial!

March 3, 2008 at 2:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Adorable kid. Love the name.

I'm so glad you have sand in your chest hair in March. Sadly, I'm stuck in New York with icicles on my nipples.

March 3, 2008 at 3:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Faith said...

Ah, the afternoon lovahs...

We ran across a couple of those on the 4th day of our honeymoon. It was gross, and we sincerely missed the previous neighbors we'd had before they arrived, as they were old and very well past the sex-in-the-afternoon-or-possibly-ever-at-all stage. They were quiet, and I liked them.

Can't wait to see and hear info about the new place and how things are going after you get moving in the new job!

And, congrats on the nephew. I have a few myself, the last one born being the cutest one thus far, and so I say you are ahead of the game with the first one being so cute.

March 3, 2008 at 4:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger trinity67 said...

I think you need to change the city on your profile now. Don't you?

March 3, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EST  
Anonymous JamieLauren said...

Congrats, Dan! That was a moving post - in more ways than one.

March 4, 2008 at 8:46:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Caitlyn said...

I cannot wait for the Puppy frolicking in sand pictures.
And that child's name is awesome.

March 4, 2008 at 12:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger rizabeff said...

that was a nice read

March 4, 2008 at 1:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alexander said...

Y'know when Puppy start to match with the furniture, it's time to either get a new puppy or new furniture. But it's a the hotel, so might as well pull a diva and demand a new set of sofa/love seat.

March 4, 2008 at 5:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger tammy said...

That's one handsome devil right there! (No, I'm not talking about you.) Congrats.

March 5, 2008 at 12:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

U could tell a lot from those groans!

Also, is 16 minutes and change bad? Shit, I need to step my game . . .

March 5, 2008 at 3:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Cricket said...

What kind of dog is Puppy? He looks just like my dog, who is a Brussels/Shitzu mix. Super cute, and grats on being an uncle! So awesome.

March 6, 2008 at 1:18:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Dave said...

What kind of dog is Puppy? He’s the kind of dog that will stand by your side through thick and thin...

March 6, 2008 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cara Hurley said...

Hey how are things? An update would be great.

Thank you.


March 7, 2008 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Random Chick said...

I'm with Cara. Where have you been?

March 11, 2008 at 12:33:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

So how's your new job? How is Brooke's new job? Are you moved into your new diggs (one 'g' two 'g'?? anybody?)? Did the moving truck ever get your stuff to you or are they touring with it around the East Coast? How is Miami? Are y'all liking it? More importantly - how is Puppy?!

March 12, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Tom Clayton said...

im not an uncle yet but i am someones nephew..i think.

March 13, 2008 at 4:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Heather said...

Could you please post something new? Please?

March 14, 2008 at 12:56:00 PM EDT  
Blogger "Single Girl in the City" said...

what, you move to Miami and you forget about us? Too busy frolicking with puppy in the warm, florida sun?

yeah, rub it in, you pompous bastard... rub it in

now will you please come back and write something new here? We get it! you have sand in your chest hair (and other hair I'm sure...)

March 16, 2008 at 10:50:00 PM EDT  

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