Monday, March 17, 2008

You Think That’s Funny, You Should Have Seen When I Put Aftershave On The Computer

This morning I shot up in bed, like that scene in “Home Alone” when the mother realizes she went on vacation without her son and bolts up and screams “Kevin!” Only I sat up and screamed “[redacted]!”

Whoops – kind of forgot I had a blog. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been lounging on the beach and stuffing my face with Cuban sandwiches, but that’s hardly the case. (It turns out you can’t fit a whole Cuban sandwich in your mouth. Go figure.)

It also turns out that moving 1,300 miles isn’t as easy as I thought. I’d seen people in the movies do it all the time, where suddenly they’re in a big new house and everything is all set up and the husband is dressed in a v-neck sweater and casual slacks and reaching into the last open cardboard box, pulling out a pristinely paper-wrapped vase, placing it on a dusted console table, and then the wife comes out from the kitchen with freshly cut tulips from the garden and places them in the vase. Then they pour a glass of wine from an already opened bottle and sit down on the couch with an exhausted gesture making some sort of lightly-humored proclamation like, “Well that wasn’t easy!” (I watch weird movies.)

Well let me tell you how that scene really goes:

So many boxes you can’t even imagine. Lining the walls. There is a walkway from the front door to the bathroom: Your options are pee or leave. Furniture can’t be used – it is only in the way, preventing you from doing the one thing you want to do most, which is sleep. But there are no sheets on the bed; the sheets are packed in a box that is underneath three boxes of books, and hygiene just doesn’t seem that important. You’re dressed in a variation of the same two outfits you’ve been wearing for the past three days. It stinks, but so does your situation, you reason. That console table? It doesn’t exist. You have two coffee tables and three night stands, but no fucking console table. You never even knew what a console table was until you needed one, and now your life seems less full, less happy, less hopeful because you have no place to put your keys, which are constantly lost, paring your options down to one: the bathroom. The last box is really the tenth, but it may as well be the first, because no conceivable progress is being made. Progress is a word for politicians and historians, and neither of them care that this tenth box is covered in some sort of liquid that spilled in a moving truck somewhere around Maryland. That vase? Broken – which is fine because you haven’t had time to eat, let alone arrange some fucking gardenias. There’s currently a mattress in your kitchen, so wine is a luxury item that your current standard of living can’t support nor even fathom. At least you have beer. And that’s what life has come down to: At least you have beer. You think to yourself, “This is all I need. This beer. It is a delicious symbol of optimism for a better tomorrow.” Then you realize your bottle opener is taped up somewhere in a cardboard coffin. You cry, and as your girlfriend walks in the room with a beer bottle broken off at the neck, blood dripping down her hands and traces of glass still stuck in her lips, she looks at you with an alarming amount of crazy in her eye, takes a swig and says, “Well that wasn’t easy!”

Luckily, that’s only the prologue. Flash forward two weeks and the tide of mess has subsided. My face is sun-kissed from a day at the beach and I’m sitting at my new West Elm desk working. Doing a job, from my apartment, with Puppy in a bed at the foot of my desk. Basically, we’ve managed to go from this:

to this:

Meaning: The fun begins shortly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

being first comment makes me feel like a loser, but...
welcome back
moving blows (and by moving i mean packing and unpacking and trying to make sense of EVERYTHING in between)

March 17, 2008 at 3:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Scott said...

How'd you managed to heist all that USPS tape instead of having to buy your own supremely overpriced tape? When my girlfriend and I moved it cost us about $14 million dollars in tape. Nicely played...

March 17, 2008 at 3:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Beach Bum said...

I was thinking the same thing about the USPS tape. Those are some good connections you got. I spent a fortune buying mine!!

March 17, 2008 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jamie Lovely said...

seriously, i just started reading your blog and then you disappeared!

welcome back though!

March 17, 2008 at 4:45:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stole the tape.

March 17, 2008 at 5:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger molls said...

how does Puppy feel about his new environment? Has he asserted his power over the other dogs in the neighborhood?

March 17, 2008 at 6:05:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Moose said...

I'm impressed. We still have pictures propped up against the walls, gathering dust while waiting for some lazy bastard (me) to come pound some nails into the plaster.

We moved two years ago.

March 17, 2008 at 6:51:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous bill s said...

Glad you came to, Dan! But how is it that an Irish guy, who's name could only be MORE Irish if it was "Sean" or "Liam" Murphy, blog on March 17th and not mention ye old sod or green beer? OK, green beer is strictly American, but still???

March 17, 2008 at 7:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Bob said...

Moving can be so stressful and so rewarding. Like last week when I got sent back to General Pop after finishing up my stint in the Intensive Management Unit for shanking some bitch. I stood out in the rec yard for the first time in a year and said man, that fresh prison air smells good, motherfuckers. Then my good eye got all misty.

March 17, 2008 at 8:32:00 PM EDT  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

hahahah loving these posts...even if u went on hiatus..but much deserved, moving sucks

March 17, 2008 at 9:14:00 PM EDT  
Blogger tammy said...

Moving sucks. But on to more important matters. One can totally fit a Cuban sandwich into one's mouth. You're just not trying hard enough.

March 17, 2008 at 9:37:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Plexus said...

Isn't it fun packing two of everything because each of you has one of everything and neither of you has the one thing that you really need at that point: sanity.

And don't get too used to that working from home. You'll end up with sunken eyes, a unibrow and poor social skills because you'll realize you never need to leave the house.

March 17, 2008 at 10:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

It's easier when you move and don't unpack. I have about 40 boxes in a room waiting to be unpacked ... from a year ago. "Once we put new carpet in the bedrooms," we say. After we redo the kitchen," we promise. "After we forget what's there and just take everything to Goodwill," is probably the best answer. At least I know I'd make a good nomad if that becomes necessary ... or more appealing than the constant taunting of a fixer-upper that has a long way up to go. All that to say, I'm impressed at your initiative. Me, I have none.

March 17, 2008 at 10:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

So glad you're back. You've been missed. Hopefully you won't disappear again, now that things have settled down somewhat.

Nice theft job with the tape, Brooke.

March 17, 2008 at 11:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Katie said...

yeah, moving is a great way to figure out what you don't need. i have four - FOUR- boxes I haven't unpakced in two years. it's just sitting there, in the other room. what IS that stuff? Thanks SO MUCH for the Vampire Weekend intro. I'm loving 'em.

March 18, 2008 at 4:56:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was awesome, Dan. You had me at 'alarming amount of crazy in her eye'. It's like I was there.

March 18, 2008 at 9:15:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...

Whew!!! that was. not. easy. When should I visit?

March 18, 2008 at 11:04:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

Vampire Weekend is my new favorite music. Yes, I am that cool.

March 18, 2008 at 3:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh man, Puppy is cute. There, I've said it and I'll never take it back.

March 19, 2008 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger mindy said...

Puppy is so cute! Is his name actually "Puppy" though?

March 19, 2008 at 4:24:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Simon said...

The only thing that really required me to suspend my disbelief when viewing The Karate Kid is the way they drive all the way from Jersey to Los Angeles, and they walk into their new apartment, apparently sight unseen, and the VERY FIRST THING Mrs. Larusso does is pull a frying pan out of a cardboard box.

March 20, 2008 at 12:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leah said...

Congrats on the move. It's a big deal to pick up and move across the nation.

I have a box that I've moved through 3 different apartments, never bothering to unpack it. Don't even remember what's in it. Maybe after the next move I'll figure that out.

Welcome back.

March 20, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger s. said...

moving has caused me on no less than three occasions to have nervous breakdowns in the most unflattering ways. insanity has a face and it's staring back at you from the last mirror to be added to the pile of crap in the back of your sedan.

March 21, 2008 at 2:44:00 AM EDT  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home