Thursday, April 17, 2008

Happy Boob Day Eve, New York!

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There was already a text message on my phone when I woke up this morning. It was from my friend John in New York:

“It’s not Boob Day yet. But with 72 degrees today and 77 degrees tomorrow, it’s definitely Boob Day Eve.”

I closed my phone and smiled one of those half-hearted smiles, like moms do in movies when their kid decides to move to the big city in order to chase their dream of becoming a fashion designer despite the odds stacked against them. Because when I opened the shade in my bedroom and let the abundant sunlight pour in, I realized something sad.

This will be the first time in my life that I will miss Boob Day.

Boob Day, of course, is the day in New York when the sun warms the Earth to a temperature so great that women may finally cast aside their jackets and sweaters and start wearing the clothes that show off their breasts.

All winter long they have been bundled up, keeping their fun bags in the toy chest. But suddenly, it starts to warm up. Usually there are a few false alarm Boob Days where it’s mild and sunny and all the hoochies jump the gun and hit the streets in tube tops. Don’t be fooled. Though these days are fun for their novelty, they aren’t the big event. No, the genuine Boob Day is always marked by a string of warm, sunny days, culminating in one unusually hot day. And on that hot day, it’s like the heavens open . . . and the heavens have great tits.

Boob Day is probably the most underappreciated holiday in the world. Take all the Salvation Army donations during Christmas, all the confetti on New Year’s Eve, and all the fireworks from the Fourth of July and you still couldn’t match the amount of good will inspired by the mind-blowing wave of low-cut tank tops, “business casual” halters, and one-size-too-small sundresses that floods the streets.

I know what you’re thinking: WTF, Dan? EVERY DAY in Miami is Boob Day! And you know what? You’re right. You can’t pick up a quarter on the street without getting hit in the face with a boob. (I’m serious. This happened to me on Tuesday.) But this constant stream of tata tartar is exactly what Boob Day isn’t about. It’s not your run-of-the-mill, day at the beach, “oh, whoops, I missed a spot while oiling up my bikini line, I’m gonna get a real bad burn there LOOK AT MY TECHNOLOGICALLY ENHANCED CLEAVAGE.” If I was a sociologist or a philanthropist or whoever it is that studies these sorts of cultural paradigms, maybe I would suggest that it has something to do with mating and pollen counts. But I’m not. Boob Day is organic. It’s inside of all of us. Boob Day is a spasm of mammographic glee, a representation of all that is good in woman’s shirts. And I will miss it.

And just in case the open wound didn’t have enough salt of the earth in it, this year promises to be a real blockbuster: Because the intensity of Boob Day is in direct proportion to the duration and suckiness of the winter season, from what people have told me about how this winter just dragged on and on and on, I imagine this Boob Day is going to be something special.

So everyone, celebrate in my absence. It’s your duty. Gawk, ogle, drool even. Whistle, woof, stare so hard that you walk right into a open man hole. Hell, take pictures. With a telephoto lens maybe. Email them to me. Whatever you feel is necessary. Just remember that it’s not degrading, it’s a celebration. And I wish you all the breast.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Arjewtino said...

You'll be happy to know Boob Day is in full swing here in the DC area.

Too bad women have been feeling guilty about it what with the Pope in town.

April 17, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger ruby said...

it's ALWAYS boob day in LA. *grumble*


but this was such a literary treasure that i feel strongly compelled to send to all my friends in NY that also appreciate the tatas.

well done, sir.

April 17, 2008 at 4:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

Boob Day is alive and well in Las Vegas.
Long live Boob Day!

April 17, 2008 at 5:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

I am hearing you Dan, The only thing that may add some solace -- even though we have boobs all the time and everywhere down here in South Florida, Its an added treat with all the toplessness. If you go to South Beach every 10th woman is laying there without her freaking TOP on... and The pool at my building? Same thing... Its like Boob day on Steroids. Its a Beautiful damn thing.

April 17, 2008 at 9:43:00 PM EDT  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

ur ust too much sometimes, laughter spews over here....

April 17, 2008 at 10:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

"mammographic glee" - I don't know where you come up with this. Perhaps a drug binge? Whatever as long as you keep making me laugh it's good.

April 18, 2008 at 1:15:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Peter said...

This may be the most beautiful thing that I have ever read, heard of, or imagined.

April 18, 2008 at 9:59:00 AM EDT  
Blogger .Nicotine.Queen. said...

I never truly appreciated Boob Day until I moved to New York and I cannot wait!!

April 18, 2008 at 10:37:00 AM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

It's supposed to hit 80 this afternoon in Midtown. I will think of you when all the titty is out and waiting in the absurdly long line at the (aptly named) Shake Shack.

April 18, 2008 at 11:07:00 AM EDT  
Blogger verybadcat said...

Sounds like WH's favorite holiday, circa June. The Bikini Hatch is when the weather is nice enough that the river he's fly fishing in is covered in bikini-clad honeys.

Why can't girls have some kind of Boob Day?!

April 18, 2008 at 12:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Gillian said...

I just went to Dunkin' Donuts and TOTALLY saw boobs, man! Happy Boob Day!

April 18, 2008 at 1:19:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Tara said...

Your mom must be so proud.

April 19, 2008 at 5:12:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

That would be my favorite day of the year! New York sounds fun, suddenly!

April 19, 2008 at 8:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

Oh I am, Tara. What more could I ask for.

April 20, 2008 at 5:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...

i never knew about this!!!!

April 21, 2008 at 7:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger craziasian said...

i am going to try to work the phrase "mammographic glee" into my every day vocabulary.

April 26, 2008 at 10:41:00 AM EDT  
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