Monday, June 30, 2008

It’s Bang Card Time!


Big news here, guys. It’s official. I’m blown away by “The Bachelorette.”

I’ve watched a lot of shows, from MacGyver to Gossip Girl, but I don’t think I’ve ever been as shocked by a show as I am by “The Bachelorette.” To summarize:

Hot 26-year old brunette wants to get married and start having kids ASAP. (“Hey, Life? This is Fun. Just wanted to say it was nice knowing you, and good luck with everything.”) She’s in a rush, so she doesn’t want to go through the normal channels (e.g. dirty bars, temp jobs, eHarmony, “mishaps” with GHB, etc.), so she goes on a nationally televised program pitting 25 men against one another to win her heart through contests and tests of commitment like “opening up.” Oh, and did I mention she’s hot?

I have many complaints about the show (number one being that she kicking and punching amongst the bachelors is not allowed), but overall, in a deeply philosophical and life-redefering way, my qualm is this: That out one side of her mouth, all DeAnna does is talk about finding true love and spending her life with someone and making that magical connection that only soul mates can share, and out of the other side of her vagina she’s decided that the pool from which she will find this soul mate is a subset of twenty-five studly men. That’s it. Twenty-five. When you consider how many men there are in the world, doesn’t twenty-five seems like a small percentage? Especially when you’re a hot brunette who can basically break up relationships at will and shop for boyfriends like XBOX games at Toys R’ Us?

Now here’s something that might surprise you. Fundamentally, I think this is a sound premise. In fact, it’s something I’ve thought for a long time now. In college, I called it the “Packed Elevator” theory, the premise being that if I was on my way to class in an elevator packed full of girls, there is a very good chance that I could have a long, happy relationship (or a drawn out, cat and mouse game of who cheated on who the most) with at least one of them. No need to accidentally trip over each other in the cafeteria only to find out that we’re both English majors who secretly (shh, it’s so embarrassing!) like that song from the Volkswagen commercial. Just a simple, “Oh, you’re going to six too? We should have sex and ruin each other’s lives.”

But here’s DeAnna going on and on about once in a lifetime opportunities to find the soul mate of her dreams, when really she has just as much of a chance of finding her future husband at the local grocery store. (Or, more appropriately, the local gym. I haven’t seen that many six packs since my last trip to the beer distributor. AM I RIGHT?) And what really sticks in my craw is the sincerity of the show: that we’re supposed to believe that while DeAnna will only find one soul mate from the crop of twenty-five, that all twenty-five of those guys think she is their soul mate. I would do the math on that to prove how ridiculous it is, but I don’t think that that’s what math is used for anyway.

Listen, I’m not saying that the “natural” order the male/female mating game isn’t without its flaws. Girls go on four bad dates a week, guys sleep with their housekeepers – heck, I even have a friend who dated a girl solely because she worked at a chocolate shop. But the point is, the way they do it on “The Bachelorette” doesn’t work. You can’t just go kissing every guy who says you look “wow” in a cocktail dress and find “a connection” while enjoying extravagant meals in private mausoleums or whatever the hell they do. Bottom line – it just doesn’t work.

Until now.

That’s right, tonight is THE BIG NIGHT. It’s down to three bachelors, and tonight they may or may not (at the discretion of DeAnna’s hooha) be presented with what I affectionately refer to as a “Bang Card.” Basically, a Bang Card is an invitation to learn more about their special relationship by spend the night with do DeAnna in her “fantasy suite” in the Bahamas. Depending on how each date goes, DeAnna has the discretion to offer the Bang Card or not.

Needless to say, I think this is a brilliant turn of events. I can’t tell you how many times in my life (four) I could have used such a clear-cut signal as a piece of paper (which could considered a written contract and used as evidence in a court of law) that a girl wanted to get it on. No more of this, “She touched my hand when she laughed” or “She ordered dessert, so she owes me anyway.” Just a black and white token of intentions. It doesn’t even matter what’s written inside. It could be a drawing of a bear cub sliding down a rainbow. The deal’s done.

The only question I have left, then, is this: If you were DeAnna’s father watching tonight’s episode, how many bottles of Jim Beam would you drink:

a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) a gun



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that you tackled this subject. I am a newly addicted Bachelorette watcher and I have to say, I love this show. The premise of 25 guys all vieing to marry one girl is so awesome, I have been wondering how a 45 year old married woman can tap some of that. Or is that not a show people would watch? We could call it "Frustrated" and get a bunch of hot 30 year old guys with more muscles than brains (but a few of them have to have be able to tie their own shoes and drive). Instead of wanting a rose, they can all try and get out of dates with the older woman (except the one guy with a mommy fetish) and the 3 men left at the end have to sleep with her and satsify her evey whim. Then she picks the guy with the biggest...

oh sorry I got carried away but if you ever hear they are casting that one, let me know

June 30, 2008 at 4:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you see it last week? she even admitted that the was kicking out the ONE guy she was falling in love with! i was so pissed! not only was he the hottest/least weenie one left but ohw can she say she's there looking for love and get rid of the only one she loved?!?

June 30, 2008 at 5:05:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, notsojenny, I have a bone to pick with you. Graham, oh Graham. We've all been there, done him. He's the sexy, emotionally unavailable guy. But she begged and pleaded for his attention, and all he could muster was a "good luck." Perhaps when he grows up and realizes he isn't the coolest kid in high school any more, he'll be comfortable enough to say, "I really like you." Until then, he was not worth her time.

Also, I may need to get out more.

June 30, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Shawn said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

June 30, 2008 at 6:15:00 PM EDT  
Blogger -J said...

Women are complicated. Women on reality TV shows are there for a reason.

June 30, 2008 at 6:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

Oh my. That was bangcardalicious. As a confirmed non-watcher of all reality television (it's the principle really -- come on! There could be more LOST or another Hero's if people weren't tuning in to this schlocky form of voyeurism) I've always scoffed at the idea of happily ever after from a casting call. Thank you for confirming that it's a piece of shit. Although, apparently highly watchable... ?!?

You're not one of the bachelors, are you?

June 30, 2008 at 8:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... good question.

I'm going to say that her dad probably drinks the same number of bottles as your Mom does every time she reads a post about blow jobs or anal. ;o)

June 30, 2008 at 10:06:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure she's pretty, but she's a headcase and a huge bitch. I don't understand why all the dudes are falling for her in the first place. I think she is about to end up with the one with the kid. I think Graham after viewing the episodes is thrilled to be rid of her.


July 1, 2008 at 2:32:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'nilla: Almost all women are head cases. The ones who aren't right now either have been or will be. Such is life. As far as the bitch part, I've gotta admit- if you put me on a show with 25 men and I had the upper hand by design, you'd probably think I was a bitch too.

July 1, 2008 at 10:45:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Amaya said...

This was classic. I've been a reader since the "Daily Dump" days and I love your perspective on things.

July 1, 2008 at 12:16:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Reality TV is the worst. Ever. Except for atomic bombs. They're pretty bad, too, but reality TV is like an atomic bomb strapped to a puppy that you can't stop watching as it walks up to you, because it's so cute, and as you lean down to pet the puppy *boom*.

That's reality TV. An atom bomb strapped to a puppy.

Also, the marriage to whatever dude she 'picks' won't last 3 years. You heard it here first.

July 1, 2008 at 12:46:00 PM EDT  
Blogger mindy said...

I am sensing that you find Deanna I right?

Also, I am on board with notsojenny about her sending Graham packing. She totally loves him!

July 1, 2008 at 1:51:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


July 1, 2008 at 2:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just watched the episode - she's crazy! They guy she just eliminated was adorable and he said he was falling in love with her. I have a feeling at the end she'll be alone or we'll read about the split up in US Magazine... dammit Trista and Ryan!

July 1, 2008 at 2:47:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

Which would be worse to watch as a father: your daughter in the "bang card" episode of The Bachelorette, or your daughter in the next season of MTV's Real World?

Also, DeAnna could hand me a bang card anytime and I'd be happy to "honor" it.

July 1, 2008 at 5:26:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Anouk said...

you're brilliant, i love your blog.

July 1, 2008 at 10:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nikki's Note said...

It worked for Trista and Ryan dammit!,,20012405,00.html

i hate it too :)

July 2, 2008 at 4:02:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Super! said...

Very funny blog Dan...I will be back...scary, isn't it.

July 3, 2008 at 12:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous VanCity Girl said...

Have I told you lately how much I love you Dan?! This post is classic [redacted] brilliance.

July 5, 2008 at 2:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger M said...

Haha, I'm glad someone finally acknowledged the ridiculousness of the bang card.

July 19, 2008 at 1:17:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sarahsays said...

I realize that this post is now in archives and not sure if anyone will see my comment but I totally agree with anonymous regarding graham. I think we have all had experiences with someone like him. I felt like I was reliving my own life during the scene when she "let him go".

August 8, 2008 at 1:31:00 PM EDT  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:26:00 PM EDT  

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