Monday, June 23, 2008


I’m not normally one to assign blame. My dad raised me to take responsibility in the face of adversity. (Although he also raised me to take a little bit of everything on my dinner plate onto my fork at once – what the hell is that about?) But sometimes it takes a real man to understand when he has been let down, and that manly man must then point his finger and say, “He did it – he’s the nanny nanny poo poo who did it!”

“It” here, of course, doesn’t refer to that minor drug trafficking charge I got when I mixed up my Claritin with my uppers, or that time “massage” misunderstanding (which was purely an issue of regional dialects). No, “it” refers to neglecting [redacted]. I had planned to come back from New York last week filled to the brim with tales of adventurous heroics and hysterical hijinks. (Ex. 1: A homeless guy on the subway smelled like a week-old animal corpse! Discuss.)

Instead, though, Mother Nature conspired with the powers that be at JetBlue to take me out back to the tool shed and spill blue paint on me. The day of my impending departure, I sat at a makeshift desk in the New York office of the company I work for hitting refresh on the JetBlue flight status page. On Time turned to Delayed; Delayed turned to Even More Delayeder! (or some other cutesy way of sloganing it that JetBlue’s crack ad team employs with reckless abandon), until finally all that was left to say was Canceled L.

Long story short, JetBlue pussied out (Birds fly in the rain all the time!) and I was stuck in New York a little longer than expected. Which sounds fine and dandy considering how majestic a place New York is (culture! hotdogs!), but sounds less majestic when you’re carrying around a huge suitcase everywhere you go, constantly rolling over the leathered feet of Blackberry-enchanted corporate suits in subway stations, and when they shout, HEY! looking back at them with you’re tanned complexion suggesting you haven’t been under a fluorescent office light (hence, not living in New York) for at least, oh, four months now, and suggesting that perhaps they wouldn’t have minded so much being bumped into by a suitcase if they would, for maybe but a moment or two, just long enough to take a bite of their custom-made chopped salad, remove their boss’ cock from their mouth.

Like I said though: I’m only angry with JetBlue. It seems their record of pissing people off is stellar. In fact, I imagine a huge convention center full or air travelers with some notable speaker like Edward James Olmos holding court, saying, “Everyone, raise your hand if you haven’t been screwed by JetBlue,” and the only person to raise their hand is a six-month old baby, at which point Edward James Olmos is like, “That’s one smart baby!” And if it wasn’t for the unlimited Terra chips and the fact that I watched the season finale of Top Chef on my flight up to New York, I might abandon them altogether. But like I said, my dad raised me right.

All the anger and aggression, though, dissipated away upon returning home to Brooke and Puppy, who was apparently so distraught at my absence that he sometimes laid prostrate on the bed, staring at my pillow.

puppy sad

So when I came through the door, a bleary-eyed Odysseus returning home to his roost, I was greeted with all the love an affection a man could hope for.

“You’d better not be pregnant with puppies!”

All I have to say is this: If you’re the kind of person who requires validation on a daily basis, then a dog is the way to go. It was like Puppy was trying to talk to me, in his worn away British lilt, saying, “Oh how happy I am that you’re returned!” Although, and there cold be some merit to this, Brooke likes to think that what Puppy’s really thinking is that he and Brooke are the mommy and daddy, and me (Johnny-come-lately to the scene), I’m the pet. So when they came home from the airport without me, Puppy was like, “Oh no, we forgot Dan!” And then he proceeded to look for me throughout the house and all over the two block radius around our apartment. And when I finally came through the door six days later, he was simply relieved that I, being a dim-witted pet, had found my way home, and a the weight of accountability had been lifted from his conscience: It wasn’t his fault that I was lost all alone somewhere, wandering the streets, trying desperately to return to my warm, loving home.

It was JetBlue’s.


Blogger Camels & Chocolate said...

I actually really like JetBlue, and I did have a flight canceled by them September last year from JFK to Nashville en route to a wedding. While I was as pissed as Hell at the time, the blue terracotta chips won me back...because in reality, I'm a travel and spend my life in the air, and every single airline (except Virgin America, which I'm flying for the first time this week) has screwed me over more than once. And at least JetBlue still believes in free snacks.

June 23, 2008 at 4:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...

i think that american has pissed more people off (minus that 10-hours on the runway mishap) plus there are no chips and no tv. glad you made it back in one piece. you know me, i hate new york.

June 23, 2008 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Where said...

yeah, i was right there with you. but jet blue had our flight from jfk-dc delayed 5 hours on the tarmac (oh the fun that would have been without snacks and live euro 2008 games) and THEN cancelled the return flight from dc-jfk. they gave me vouchers for the delayed flight and cash back for the cancelled one. all in all, i MADE money from taking jet blue. can't get better than that i suppose.

June 24, 2008 at 12:50:00 AM EDT  
Blogger PMJG said...

Other excellent speakers I would recommend for your imaginary air travelers conference are James Earl Jones, Dame Judi Dench, and Bruce Campbell.

June 24, 2008 at 9:36:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

When Puppy rolls up a magazine and swats you while yelling, 'No! NO!', and pointing to the puddle of tinkle you just made on the floor, then, yes, I'll totally buy Brooke's assertion that you are the pet.

If this happens, please provide pictures.

June 24, 2008 at 11:06:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Sarah said...

That's a cute alternative way of looking at Puppy. =)

June 24, 2008 at 1:29:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Michemily said...

As long as a flight is cheap, I don't mind more transfers or cancellations (as long as they get me there eventually). Delta is the one that bugs me. You're on a nine-hour flight with them and they announce that they'll be selling a bottle of water for $5. Yeah, thanks, I already paid my savings to book this flight, now I've got to pay for food?

June 24, 2008 at 3:14:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous heidikins said...

New Reader, I absolutely commiserate with trying to leave JFK in the rain...I ended up being stuck on the plane for 8 hours in sopping wet clothes. Not that the rain-soaked outft was Delta's fault, but the 37-hour delay definitely was their problem.

Off to read more.

June 25, 2008 at 2:03:00 PM EDT  

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