Friday, June 6, 2008

Q&A Friday!

As far as I’m concerned, there are two types of people in this world: people who love Disney World, and people who don’t. Unfortunately for Brooke, she falls into the latter category, meaning that her dark heart of stone can pump small, decrepit puffs of dust through her crippling veins for only so long before her insides shrivel up into a prune of death.

Which is why we’re leaving tonight to go to Disney World for the weekend. I’m not going to give up on her. If I have to spin her around on the tea cups until she makes sickey all over herself, then damnit that’s what we’ll do.

Remember: Dead men tell no tales.

On to the questions.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years and I’ve been successful in changing all the things about him that I didn’t like/approve of in the beginning. My dating philosophy is, “It’s easier to change him than to create a good J-Date profile” so I need your assistance with one final, pesky issue that will not go away. The Silent Treatment. I know he does this to drive me insane (it’s working!!) but I don’t know how to react so that I don’t encourage the behavior. How do you get a man who clams up whenever there is a problem (big or small) to open up? He says it’s not so much that he’s “giving me the silent treatment,” as it is that he just doesn’t like me for those few days (!!!) and I have to give him time to like me again, but I think that’s crap.

Thanks for any insight you can provide,
Talking to a brick wall in Florida

It sounds like your boyfriend is a crafty fellow. Personally, I’ve had lots of success in the past with the silent treatment. I’ve also had success with “I know you are, but what am I?” and “Talk to the hand cause the ears ain’t listening!” And one time on a date I convinced a girl to play a game of freeze tag as an excuse to touch her boob.

While these are all good tactics, I think the important thing to remember here is that one woman’s silent treatment is another woman’s relaxing weekend getaway. Just like how most people want what they can’t have, likewise most people won’t give others what they want. So the next time you and your boyfriend are enjoying a nice dinner date, as soon as the salad course comes out politely say, “I’d love it if you wouldn’t talk to me until Tuesday.” Then go about eating your organic baby greens. When he tries to protest (and he will, because you’ve beat him at his own game!) close one eye while putting your thumb really close to your other eye so it seems like he disappears. Proceed to eat with your other hand.

If that doesn’t work, try not dating high school students.
I work for a small radio station in the big metropolitan city in which I live. We're so small that we can't afford an engineer, so we have a couple guys "on hand" in case anything goes wonky. One of them just finished up a meeting with our GM, walked over to my desk as I was putting together the newsletter, gave me a quick backrub, said "that's all you get" and walked away. It was weird.

I seriously don't know what to think about this. Thoughts?

Just how small is this office? Are we talking like one 12x12 room where small desks line the perimeter and everyone shares one computer? If so, perhaps he wasn’t giving you a back rub; maybe he was just propping himself up on your shoulder to reach the office’s pet ferret in his space-saving cage hung seven feet up the wall. And when he said, “That’s all you get,” he was talking to the greedy, though starving ferret, and not you.

No? Well then you were probably sexually harassed. And sexual harassment in the work place is no laughing matter (unless the work place is a circus and the perpetrator is a clown and the harassment is a flower squirting water on a boob).

You have a few options here: 1. You can report it to your boss; 2. You can murder the engineer in cold-blooded revenge (I recommend beating him to death with a frozen fish, and then throwing the fish in the sea. Voila! No murder weapon.); or 3. You could enjoy the fact that you’re saving tons of money on expensive massage treatments, which retail at over $150 an hour. Personally, I suggest option #2. That has “book deal” written all over it.

Bear in mind it’s possible he just read the job description wrong and thought it said “You’ll need to be hands on,” instead of “on hand.” If you are attractive, though, it is more likely that he is simply a pervert copping a feel.
How do you de-friend someone on myspace without hurting his/her feelings? Thanks for your help!


This is actually a lot easier than you think. All you have to do is lose 10 pounds, go shopping for a sexy new outfit, and only order soy in all your drinks from Starbucks. Then, once you’re cool, you switch over to Facebook.
What whacked elementary school teacher taught you to say "on line" instead of "in line?" And why have people been letting you get away with this grammatical indignity your whole life?



I haven’t felt shame like this since the time I peed behind the recliner during an intense game of hide and seek. But you have to believe me – it’s not my fault. It’s a regional mishap. You see, I grew up ON Long Island. We say ON because it is truly an island. But you know what? So is Maui. But you wouldn’t say that one time you accidentally took a girl’s virginity ON Maui. No, you did it IN Maui. Is it because the word “island” isn’t in the name? Then why wouldn’t you say you’re spending the week with your hippie aunt ON Rhode Island? No, for some reason Long Islanders got it in their head long ago that they lived DIRECTLY ON TOP of a floating piece of land. And you know what? They’re right. Technically, no matter where you live, you live ON the land, not IN it (unless you’re one of those awesome mole people).

What does this have to do with being ON line instead of IN line? Nothing. But consider this passage from The Columbia Guide to Standard American English:

For now, to stand or wait in line is Standard. New Yorkers used to be the only Americans who spoke of waiting or standing on line, and then other Americans began to pick up the locution, but a completely new recent use for on line may bring that development to a halt: on line also means “directly connected to a computer,” as in My printer is now on line and ready to print. This sense began by being jargon, but it is now Conversational at the very least, and it may shortly be fully Standard.

So the question, Rachel, is this: Do you want to take on all of New York and their conversational ways? If so, get ON line.

(Really – you can just email them.)

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at


Blogger Jamie Lovely said...

I'm going to Disney World next weekend. I COULD NOT be more excited. It's all I talk about. Oh, and I'm 24 haha

June 6, 2008 at 3:06:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous talking to a wall said...

Thank you for answering my question, Dan. I feel special! Also, look for my profile on JDate!

June 6, 2008 at 3:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rachel said...

Okay so the first question is the best. First of all you shouldn't try to change your man at all...fixing his behaviors implies that they were broken to begin with...not true, you just didn't like them. If you didn't like the way he was you should have picked someone else and not ruined a perfectly decent man that just had habits that YOU found annoying. I hate it when women say they "fixed" their men. However, I thought the solution of closing one eye and using your thumb to block him out of the other side is competley hilarious!!! I love it.

June 6, 2008 at 3:46:00 PM EDT  
Blogger shannon said...

As a fellow Long Islander, I too have had the on vs. in debate more times than I care to mention. I will be using your "we are not mole people" argument in the future. Cheers.

June 6, 2008 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Tara said...

Nick would also like to point out that Rhode Island is not, in fact, an island.

June 6, 2008 at 4:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

That is just solid analysis and thought provoking arguments for all that is wrong in the world and all that is right ... you are a brilliant brilliant man

June 7, 2008 at 6:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger surviving myself said...

Saying "on line" is the best part about living in New York.

Well, that and hookers who yell, "I fucking hate you!" at six in the morning while you're walking to work.

June 9, 2008 at 4:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm from new Jersey and we too say on line!

June 9, 2008 at 4:23:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

I have been re-watching Sex and the City and they too have been saying "on line." It's very strange. It's like the New states are a whole other world with strange ways of saying things.

June 10, 2008 at 10:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger claire said...

I was not aware (as a Long Islander) that i was not supposed to be standing "on line". I feel totally self-conscious now.

June 11, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Beth said...

I think that whether or not you love Disney World depends on two things.

1) How old you were when you first went there.

2) How much you like amusement park rides in comparison to the teacups and mickey mouse.

I personally don't like Disney at all either. Because the first time I went there I was 17, I like rides, and i'm scared of people in costume. Making Disney a childlike money pit of torture and fear for me.

But it's nice to know i'm not the only person who doesn't like Disney.

June 27, 2008 at 10:20:00 AM EDT  

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