Some Thoughts on the Wii Fit Girl While Trimming My Pubic Hair Earlier Today

Undoubtedly you’ve seen the video of a scantily clad girl gyrating atop a Wii Fit game console, while her “so-called” boyfriend secretly tapes her. (I say “so-called” because in my opinion the only time you should secretly tape a girl doing anything is when you know she’s out of your league and you probably will never see her again, so in that case it’s for posterity, which is a noble intent.)

Despite the fact that she is wearing clothes and not saying things like, “Oh my, it’s so hot in here I could literally melt in your arms,” it has been viewed by a gabillion people worldwide.

Here’s my question: Why?

Typically, when I watch videos online they’re of situations that I will never find myself in, like a wolf eating an alligator, or an Asian man spinning on his head. But a girl playing video games? Been there! Sure, it was sixth grade and we were playing Super Mario and the sexiest thing she did was get the secret 1-up from the hidden brick in level three (in her defense, she was 12), but the point is, with videos out there like this:

what are we watching Wii Fit girl for?

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Dan. I understand you have a girlfriend, but some of us don’t, so we discuss our feelings with impunity. And, at the end of the day, I enjoy watching girls gyrate in their underwear. It just . . . it makes me feel alive. Like the first time I rode a roller-coaster or ate a strip of bacon.” And you know what? I get that. I really do. But we’re talking about the internet here. It was made to store videos of girls doing all sorts of things in their underwear, from milking cows to landing on the moon. I mean, just do a YouTube search for booty + shorts. Better yet, do one for “booty + shorts + dancing,” or even “girl + oil + dance” (because why not?).

My point here is, What makes an ordinary girl playing video games so special? And the answer, which came to me while I was trimming my pubic hair this morning, was this: voyeurism.

What’s that, you stupidly ask? Voyeurism means that we’re secretly peeking in on a world that we’re not supposed to see and watching something that we’re not supposed to watch. (This also explains the success of Two and a Half Men.) So while I’m standing there in the bathroom manscaping, and I look out the window and watch people walking by on the street down below, I think, “Man, wouldn’t they get a kick out of seeing me now!?” And not because whatever I’m doing is particularly cool or engaging (though it happens to make me look cool and engaging), but simply by dint of the fact that they’re not supposed to be watching me do it.

But also, video games are totally hot.