Monday, July 7, 2008

The Bachelorette Finale Is On Tonight. Something Else That's On? My Gaydar. Oh, There It Goes!

Hello, and welcome to the new [redacted] format, where the overwhelming weight of the information age has finally crushed our will for intelligence and all we ever talk about anymore is The Bachelorette. (Tag line: “It’s all Deanna’s Pappas, all the time.”)

Seriously though, I have a problem. And its name is Deanna. How I came to care so much about this show I will never know (FACT: I do know. It’s a little cocktail called The Summer TV Line-up-tini, and it’s made with scotch and TiVo). But the fact of the matter here is that tonight is the season finale, and not only is Deanna Pappas going to choose the man of her dreams, but, as she has already publicly stated, she is going to get engaged to him as well.

And us? We’re going to treat the event with the ridiculous excitement it deserves. Here we go.


Name: Jason
Age: 31
Occupation: Account executive
Hometown: Cleveland, OH
Current residence: Kirkland, WA
You may not know this, but: He has a three-year old son, and looks like a girl when he smiles.

Name: Jesse
Age: 26
Occupation: Professional snowboarder
Hometown: Amherst, OH
Current residence: Breckenridge, CO
You may not know this, but: “Professional” is simply a code word for “instructor”

A brief recap, by the numbers:

25 – men she started with
2 – men left in the running
3 – men she distributed Bang Cards to
5 – times her father cried that night
1,289 – awkward moments involving forced, on-camera intimacy
1 – number of times third runner up Jeremy was likened to American Psycho
6 – number of pieces he will cut said commenter into with a dull ax
5.5 – number of guys Deanna kissed
2 – on a scale of 1-10, how the “.5” felt when he tried to be the sixth one to kiss her and she cheeked him
17 – number of times Deanna was shown in a bikini
15 – number of pounds she seemed to have gained in the recently televised reunion show
70 – percent probability that she is already knocked up


The show is fascinating for a bevy of reasons, but what I’m most intrigued with right now is which guy is going to win Deanna’s heart, and, subsequently, be driven totally batshit insane by her in less than three years. (You heard it here first – Deanna is a certifiable rice ball of craziness.)

So I asked Brooke and two of her co-workers a few questions to see what they thought about each contestant’s chances tonight. The overwhelming response to my inquiry was, “Are you gay? Does Brooke know yet?” But there was also some insightful commentary. Take a look.


Profile: Southern; sassy disposition; uncanny knowledge of grammar and etiquette; gets annoyed at people who cry.
Who will win: Jason.
Who should win: Jason.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: 7.
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Fist fight the other guy.
Commentary: Jesse is a good time, but Deanna's biological clock is in overdrive. If she’s serious about getting hitched and having 3 kids by the time she is 30, she's going to need to go with the guy who can give her a short-cut.


Profile: Mid-western; won’t take shit; will give out shit; has a stroller for her dog; will give you shit if you comment on it.
Who will win: Jessie.
Who should win: Jessie.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: “standard crazy”
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Bang the shit out of her.
Commentary: Who cares about Jesse’s job? It’s not like Jason is rich, so the quality of life is not that much different. He probably sells insurance or some shit. A snowboarder can give her a good time with his big dick.


Profile: New Yorker; my girlfriend; when she laughs, the world laughs with her; if they don’t, she dismisses them as stupid.
Who will win: Jason.
Who should win: Jason.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: “regular crazy”
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Have violent angry sex with her and then make her chocolate chip pancakes in the morning.
Commentary: I think this is a perfectly legitimate way to find a husband. Dan says it’s impossible to find a soul mate out of a mere 25 men. But I found Dan and only 23 other guys applied.

(Ed note: Out with the flowers, men! Apparently, the best way to a woman’s heart is through violence, sex, and violent sex. Sure, three women can’t be counted as any kind of “majority”, technically speaking, but you know where they are a majority? In my heart.)

So what’s my ultimate prediction? I think Jason will win. Allison brings up a good point that this girl isn’t just run of the mill crazy, she’s baby crazy. You just get the feeling that she is the kind of woman who would absent-mindedly wander off with someone else’s baby stroller in the mall and when confronted say, “Finders keepers. Get your uterus off my baby,” or something quippy like that.

However it shakes out, I still can’t imagine how either of these guys could come away broken-hearted if he wasn’t chosen. I mean, you boned her once. Consider it a free pass, and move on. Take your celebrity to the next level and land a younger chick who is more interested in things like “going to the movies” and “fun” than things like “getting married” and “having babies.” Seriously, start up the website, and the women will line up to “open themselves up” to you. This is exactly* how I found Brooke, after all.

* Sort of.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh man
i think it's obvious that Jason is the only reasonable choice of the two. i just don't think she'd cut it on "the slopes" of colorado. this girl likes the beach. if jason didn't have that little booger(sp?)i think he'd be a shoo in. but since he's the only attractive/semi-normal one, i'd put my money on Jesse. because that's how tv is. (for the record: i still would rather have chased Graham's nuts for a few more months than be stuck with jesse... have you seen his "suit"???)

July 7, 2008 at 3:17:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

'Standard Crazy'.

Yes. Yes, that makes sense. So the meter for all women looks like:

Standard Crazy
Complete Whackjob
Paula Abdul

She's getting engaged via reality TV, which automatically bumps her over Whackjob and into the heavily-medicated world of Paula Abdul. Of course, it also says a hell of a lot about the guys' stability, as well, so y'know...match made in heaven.

July 7, 2008 at 4:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger plethLaura said...

I really hope she picks Jesse. So that means she'll pick Jason.

I'm with the majority in your heart. Some primal sex is the answer and I can't see Jason doing any proper manhandling.

Jesse's suit screams "10 inches". As far as I'm concerned that suit is FABULOUS.

July 7, 2008 at 5:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Peter said...

All hot women are some sort of crazy.

(The best ones anyway.)

July 7, 2008 at 5:59:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Amber said...

I am currently watching The Bachelorette and it is all your fault. Jesse looks like a less attractive version of Dave Coulier. And he just got dry heaves in front of the jewelry store. I hate everyone involved in this show. If you could be equally happy with two different people, then you shouldn't marry either of them.

July 7, 2008 at 9:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Hadley said...

Love your Bachelorette commentary!

July 7, 2008 at 10:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ami said...

Not following the Bachelorette, but TOTALLY agree with you on FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS!! Haiiil yea!! That show is the shizzz...

July 7, 2008 at 11:19:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous paul said...

I second ami's comment. My roommate had season 1 of Friday Night Lights on DVD and I got hooked. I'm working my way through season 2. It really needs people like us to create more buzz. The show's phenomenal.

July 8, 2008 at 7:34:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Queen Vic said...

I pretty much figured it would be Jesse after the Bang Card incident. come on--who's really going to be better in bed--the account exec (boooring) or the super sexual pothead snowboarder???? Exactly. Who wants to marry mediocre sex?? (Although I married Adventure Guy and eventually had to cut him loose due to Lack-of-Job issues...)

July 8, 2008 at 9:20:00 AM EDT  
Blogger nycaboo said...

so I just have to share that I was watching this at the gym last night and as each guy walked up I was reminded of your commentary...10x more enjoyable to watch. I find it funny that she is my age HA

July 8, 2008 at 11:59:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone is so cynical. Sure you can find a guy to fall in love with on tv in six weeks. The fact that she got to have sex with three different guys, practically on national television does not make her a slut either. Just a choosy shopper.

I would have picked Jesse over those all guys too. If his dick is as big as his nose then he would be mine forever!

July 8, 2008 at 4:55:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

I never watched "The Bachelorette" I just enjoyed watching Joel McHale rip her to shreds every week.

July 8, 2008 at 6:13:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She didn't pick Jason because she doesn't want an insta-family she wants her own start up family. I just watched the finale and the after the rose while at work (I know I work hard) and wasn't surprised by her choice Jason was the safe bet and we all know chicks like the bad boy. Jessie was totally sweet and ready to give her what she wanted...problem solved except for the fact she kept calling him HONnneeeyyyy every 5 seconds... all aboard the crazy train!

July 8, 2008 at 7:52:00 PM EDT  

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