Hello, and welcome to the new [redacted] format, where the overwhelming weight of the information age has finally crushed our will for intelligence and all we ever talk about anymore is The Bachelorette. (Tag line: “It’s all Deanna’s Pappas, all the time.”)
Seriously though, I have a problem. And its name is Deanna. How I came to care so much about this show I will never know (FACT: I do know. It’s a little cocktail called The Summer TV Line-up-tini, and it’s made with scotch and TiVo). But the fact of the matter here is that tonight is the season finale, and not only is Deanna Pappas going to choose the man of her dreams, but, as she has already publicly stated, she is going to get engaged to him as well.
And us? We’re going to treat the event with the ridiculous excitement it deserves. Here we go.
| || |
A brief recap, by the numbers:
25 – men she started with
2 – men left in the running
3 – men she distributed Bang Cards to
5 – times her father cried that night
1,289 – awkward moments involving forced, on-camera intimacy
1 – number of times third runner up Jeremy was likened to American Psycho
6 – number of pieces he will cut said commenter into with a dull ax
5.5 – number of guys Deanna kissed
2 – on a scale of 1-10, how the “.5” felt when he tried to be the sixth one to kiss her and she cheeked him
17 – number of times Deanna was shown in a bikini
15 – number of pounds she seemed to have gained in the recently televised reunion show
70 – percent probability that she is already knocked up
The show is fascinating for a bevy of reasons, but what I’m most intrigued with right now is which guy is going to win Deanna’s heart, and, subsequently, be driven totally batshit insane by her in less than three years. (You heard it here first – Deanna is a certifiable rice ball of craziness.)
So I asked Brooke and two of her co-workers a few questions to see what they thought about each contestant’s chances tonight. The overwhelming response to my inquiry was, “Are you gay? Does Brooke know yet?” But there was also some insightful commentary. Take a look.
Profile: Southern; sassy disposition; uncanny knowledge of grammar and etiquette; gets annoyed at people who cry.
Who will win: Jason.
Who should win: Jason.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: 7.
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Fist fight the other guy.
Commentary: Jesse is a good time, but Deanna's biological clock is in overdrive. If she’s serious about getting hitched and having 3 kids by the time she is 30, she's going to need to go with the guy who can give her a short-cut.
Profile: Mid-western; won’t take shit; will give out shit; has a stroller for her dog; will give you shit if you comment on it.
Who will win: Jessie.
Who should win: Jessie.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: “standard crazy”
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Bang the shit out of her.
Commentary: Who cares about Jesse’s job? It’s not like Jason is rich, so the quality of life is not that much different. He probably sells insurance or some shit. A snowboarder can give her a good time with his big dick.
Profile: New Yorker; my girlfriend; when she laughs, the world laughs with her; if they don’t, she dismisses them as stupid.
Who will win: Jason.
Who should win: Jason.
How crazy Deanna is on a scale of 1-10: “regular crazy”
What each contestant should do tonight to win the competition: Have violent angry sex with her and then make her chocolate chip pancakes in the morning.
Commentary: I think this is a perfectly legitimate way to find a husband. Dan says it’s impossible to find a soul mate out of a mere 25 men. But I found Dan and only 23 other guys applied.
(Ed note: Out with the flowers, men! Apparently, the best way to a woman’s heart is through violence, sex, and violent sex. Sure, three women can’t be counted as any kind of “majority”, technically speaking, but you know where they are a majority? In my heart.)
So what’s my ultimate prediction? I think Jason will win. Allison brings up a good point that this girl isn’t just run of the mill crazy, she’s baby crazy. You just get the feeling that she is the kind of woman who would absent-mindedly wander off with someone else’s baby stroller in the mall and when confronted say, “Finders keepers. Get your uterus off my baby,” or something quippy like that.
However it shakes out, I still can’t imagine how either of these guys could come away broken-hearted if he wasn’t chosen. I mean, you boned her once. Consider it a free pass, and move on. Take your celebrity to the next level and land a younger chick who is more interested in things like “going to the movies” and “fun” than things like “getting married” and “having babies.” Seriously, start up the website iwasjessefromthebachelorette.com, and the women will line up to “open themselves up” to you. This is exactly* how I found Brooke, after all.
* Sort of.