Thursday, July 10, 2008

Puppy Has Security Issues


While I was away in New York a few weeks ago, I got a phone call from Brooke. She sounded upset. I was concerned, so I gave her the Upsetness Test.

“How many bowls of Cap’n Crunch did you eat after dinner tonight?”

And that’s when I knew it was serious.

After some hemming and hawing, she finally let it out. She didn’t want me to get all worked up, but after coming home from a night on the town, she discovered that Puppy had peed on the living room rug.

Peed. On the rug. And in case you’re wondering, no the rug isn’t made out of grass with a faux fire hydrant off in one corner. (Not for my lack of trying, but Brooke didn’t think the motif skewed “adult human” enough.)

I know this may not seem like a big deal for a dog. Dogs pee on all sorts of things. I used to know a dog who got so excited when people came over to the house that it would jump up and pee on them. But it’s different with Puppy. He is the epitome of a chill dog. The last time he got really, really excited, he had to stop halfway through his jumping and panting celebration to get a drink of water and lay down. And if he ever really, really has to go to the bathroom and Brooke and I aren’t around, or around and asleep, or around and really into an episode of “Friday Night Lights”, then he’ll just go into the bathroom and pee on the bathmat. Which is fine with me, because hey, close enough right? I half expect him to come trotting out with a newspaper under his arm like, “I’ll clean that up later.”

But to pee on the rug? The nice, expensive, living room rug? The one I take credit for picking out when guests compliment it even though I inevitably come off as foppish? I was baffled. My first questions was, “Why is Puppy such a dick? I don’t pee on his shit,” to which Brooke responded, “That’s nice of you, but he’s a dog.” Whatever.

Sadly, even after I returned home from New York, it happened again. And again. Suddenly, Puppy was a fountain; a furry leaky faucet. It’s amazing how much less you love something when it starts urinating on your possessions.

While Brooke and I were obviously concerned (if we wanted pee on everything we’d do it ourselves, thank you), we both assumed that it was just his mean-spirited way of getting back at us for leaving him home alone so much. When we first got to Miami, we spent a considerable amount of time inside because we were scared. But like timid house cats, we have been venturing out more and more, further and further lately, leaving His Highness Puppyton alone with his thoughts and no one to scratch his belly, which, in his mind, is like being left home alone without food and water, on a small island surrounded by molten lava, with a Desperate Housewives marathon playing in the background. (He hates Felicity Huffman.)

After some research on the internet, though, Brooke and I discovered that dogs don’t operate like that. (Which is weird, because I could swear that every time I pick up another mound of Puppy’s shit he gets a smirk on his face like he’s recalling how I kicked him off the bed the night before.) Apparently, if a dog has no history of peeing on things and suddenly turns into a doggy Super Soaker, it usually indicates feelings of insecurity. Basically, Puppy pees on things because he thinks he’s fat, or because he’s not equipped to cope with the pressures of everyday life. If Puppy was a teenager, he would be cutting his stomach and drawing pentagrams on the back of his paw.

Immediately, Brooke and I were terrified. Our dog? Insecure? How could that be considering no fifteen waking minutes can go by without one of us addressing him like a high maintenance prima donna supermodel. “Oh Puppy, you’re looking very cute. How handsome your face looks today! If you were a cupcake I would eat you, then throw you up and eat you again!” I mean, it just doesn’t make sense.

We’ve resorted to rolling up the rug whenever we leave the house and when we go to bed at night. Plus, we try to give Puppy more positive reinforcement, especially when he pees outside. (Actual scene from yesterday: Me standing above Puppy while he pees on a fence saying, “Good boy! That’s a good boy!” while an attractive woman approaching us walks a wide circle around us.) And for the foreseeable future, I guess that’s how it’ll have to be. And Brooke and I will be left to decipher the puzzle of how the heck our beloved Puppy developed security issues. I wish we knew…



Blogger said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

July 10, 2008 at 1:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger scott said...

If you ever want another dog I'd like to be that dog.

Hello, Dan.

July 10, 2008 at 1:29:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Stephi said...

Perfect ending! Love the pics. Hilarious post as always.

July 10, 2008 at 1:40:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love your column, been lurking for awhile. Just wanted to suggest a visit to Puppy's veterinarian; he might have a bladder infection or other medical problem that's causing him to pee in the house. Good luck.

July 10, 2008 at 2:14:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm having a hard time deciphering picture #7 (i think)
is that a bra tied/wrapped around the puppy?

and my lhasa HATES being dressed. whenever you put something on him he stands there and tucks his head in shame... he won't even walk (not even in the adorable polo with emboirdered hydrant on the chest)
the ONE thing he'll let you put on him - his Super dog cape. it came from his halloween costume one year. you tie that shit around his neck and he runs around jumping off of furniture. go figure.

ps. my lhasa pees on everything. even when he's got no pee left he'll keep lifting his little leg. he's totally housebroken, he just doesn't give a damn most of the time

July 10, 2008 at 2:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

That picture was from when Puppy had to wear a homemade protective diaper for a few days when we first came to Miami. He had a skin allergy and wouldn't stop scratching at night. We eventually gave him steroids and made videos of him lifting heavy things throughout the apartment.

July 10, 2008 at 2:26:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Painkiller Jane said...

Puppy is too much of a stud to have insecurity issues.

Maybe he's like the "cool" guys in high school. They look good on the inside, but they're asshole jerks to everyone because they have a small penis and therefore, insecure? Judging by the pictures with the chihuahuah's, maybe Puppy is concerned about his performance? Just a thought.

And in complete seriousness, he probably has abandonment issues. This just started when you went to New York, right? My chihuahua has SERIOUS abandonment issues and whenever I leave, she poops in my shoes. No joke. As if to say, "You bitch of a whore, I can't believe you would leave me to the elements. A poor, defenseless chihauhau with only a bowl full of food, a warm place to sleep & an ADT system to keep me safe. I need human interaction. I need you."

July 10, 2008 at 2:30:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Did the rug "really tie the room together?" Because having that peed on can lead to serious goings on.

July 10, 2008 at 2:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I saw that three way he was getting down in. He's still insecure after that?

Then again, in my swinging days I peed all over the place.

July 10, 2008 at 2:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous the girl with no life said...

Hilarious - but what's up with the Bachelorette? You never posted after the [upsetting] finale and "after the rose" thingy. I'm sad.

July 10, 2008 at 2:59:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Chardsy said...

I believe your dog is engaged in what would call a "Wobbly H" in the 2nd to last picture. That screams security issues.

July 10, 2008 at 3:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

A quick clarification: Though it's true Puppy is a indiscriminate humper, he is proud to be a one [at a time] dog Pup. The pictured incident was, in fact, against his will, which does not in any way detract from its hilarity. Unless you are Puppy.

July 10, 2008 at 3:14:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

Poor Puppy. Poor Your Rug. You could try giving him a treat after each time he pees outside too, to drive the positive reinforcement home. If the verbal compliments aren't working, that is.

July 10, 2008 at 3:15:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous The Dr. Phil of Dogs said...

Your solution is rather simple. Next time it happens, take the dog to the pee spot, tell him no and give him the beating of his life. We're talking spitting teeth and vacuuming up fur afterwards. Look at those pictures. That is one deviant little bastard just looking to test you. You praise him with treats when he pees outside and next thing you know he'll be clamping onto your jugular in the middle of the night. Separation anxiety? Please. That is a merciless killer in the making.

July 10, 2008 at 3:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Intrepidgirl said...

He's so cute. Maybe he needs a long walk in the morning or before you leave for an extended time. That way he'll be too tired to do anything like sit around & be anxious but instead he'll sleep. Does he get a lot of exercise there in Miami? Or is he a beach bum?

July 10, 2008 at 5:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leezer said...

We have a Shih Zhu (Ernie) who is a dead ringer for Puppy. And Ernie has been emasculated in the same manner. I think the peeing happens because they can smell the spot they peed in and they just use it over and over. We, too, consider it a victory when he uses the bath mat instead of the rug. Maybe Puppy needs something manly, like civil war re-enactment.

July 10, 2008 at 6:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Camels & Chocolate said...

Those pictures are ADORABLE! I want a Puppy!!! Does he have a British cousin?

July 10, 2008 at 10:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Erica said...

Just something of interest. . . I'm on my cell phone browser, and I decided to see if you had updated, so I tried typing in "redacted" in the browser with the t9 mode, but since that's not a 'recognized word', it came out as "sedated." I'm pretty sure that was intense planning on your part.

July 11, 2008 at 12:08:00 AM EDT  
Blogger PMJG said...

I hope puppy feels better soon. There are a lot of books out there (with varying degrees of credibility) that might help. I know of one written by a veterinarian which is slightly more credible than some of the ones written by the pet psychics.

July 11, 2008 at 8:49:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Queen Vic said...

Not that you want your dog peeing in the house at all, but have you tried pee pads? They work for dogs of all ages, and whatever the scent on them, they seem to like it! If you put it on the good rug, he'd still think he was making a point, but at least your rug wouldn't be ruined....just another piece of useless unsolicited advice! Cheers!

July 11, 2008 at 10:11:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

Don't talk to me about dog security issues...I am just as much of an instigator as you two.

July 11, 2008 at 11:25:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Vodkamusings said...

Maybe he was just so upset about your trip to New York this is his way of getting your attention now that you're back. Kind of like an ex I have....

July 11, 2008 at 11:46:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

It's plain to see that Puppy misses his Nona and Papa in NY - to say nothing of his affection for Tess.

July 11, 2008 at 2:27:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Did the rug "really tie the room together?" Because having that peed on can lead to serious goings on."

That comment was almost as funny as the post itself!

July 11, 2008 at 3:26:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the kind advice. But we found an easy solution: Before leaving the house, we give Puppy .25mg of klonopin. He's really chill now.

July 11, 2008 at 4:05:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Theresa B said...

Stupid question -- is Puppy still taking steroids? If so, that might be why he's peeing in the house. If you haven't done so already, take him to the veterinarian to make sure everything is okay.
I love your blog. Back to lurking now...

July 12, 2008 at 12:28:00 AM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I take klonopin just like Puppy! Sadly, however, my bed-wetting has persisted. It makes dating in NYC very, very difficult.

And I agree with some of the previous commenters. Puppy's problem has to be from that awkward threesome depicted in one of the photos. Not that I speak from experience, or anything...

July 16, 2008 at 5:02:00 PM EDT  
Blogger ~Penelope said...

your puppy might have a urinary tract infection and can't hold it.
you should check it out with the vet, get him some puppy antibiotics.

July 21, 2008 at 10:11:00 AM EDT  
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June 15, 2018 at 2:23:00 AM EDT  

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