Friday, July 11, 2008

Q&A Friday!

DailyCandy Lexicon

Tonight it a big night. You see, my beloved Brooke works for a certain company, and that certain company put out a certain book, and let’s just say Brooke played a large role in creating said book. And tonight she is hosting a book party at Books and Books in Coral Gables (that’s in Florida, in case you were wondering). So I know it’s late notice, but you should all fly in to attend. (Note to people already in Florida: Do not fly in, that would be silly.) Not only will there be champagne and cupcakes, but there will be a real, live pretty girl who created a book with her own bare hands. If that’s not enough to impress you, I will try to get her to do other things with her own bare hands like tear a phonebook in half or wrestle an alligator. But if you’ve never met anyone with a book before, trust me: It’s pretty impressive.

On to the questions.

I find myself in a quandary. A guy friend of mine has found himself recently single. While his heart is broken, I find mine swooning.

You didn’t waste much time between The GF and Brooke. How does a girl move in on the wounded prey and not end up the rebound girl?

Strategically Plotting.

Jeez, way to get personal. Want to know what I was thinking during my first kiss, too? I was thinking about ice cream, alright? Ice cream. We were at summer camp and she kissed me while everyone else was off getting ice cream sandwiches and all I was thinking was, “Does this mean I don’t get an ice cream sandwich now?” There, now everyone knows. Are you happy?

To answer your question, I’m pretty sure that the way a girl moves in on wounded prey is with her shirt off. But if you want to be more subtle about it, why not try being there for him in his time of need with your shirt on first. Have coffee with him. Listen to him tell awfully boring stories about how he and his ex used to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond together and giggle while one rode on the front of the cart. The key is to just listen. Don’t offer opinions. And resist the urge to take off your shit, just like in that scene in Braveheart when the British army is charging on their steeds and the Scottish are ready to raise their spears but William Wallace is screaming, “Hold! HOLD!” And then, right when he finally offers up some negative commentary on his ex, you say, “You’re right – I think you’re better off without her.” And then take off your shirt as he raises his spear.
Have you ever been unemployed? If so, what did you do to deal with the boredom? I feel like it is consuming my being! (to the point that I am now counting down the hours until my next meal and/or snack).


What is this: Let’s talk about Dan day? Why all the personal questions? It feels so invasive, like when the bank asks me what my mother’s maiden name is and I have to make one up because my mom grew up in an orphanage and never had a last name, so everyone called her Curly, but not because she had curly hair but because she had scoliosis.

But no, I’ve never been unemployed. Oddly enough, when Brooke and I first moved to Miami I had planned on being unemployed for a while, but that just wasn’t in the stars for me. But I do work from home, so unemployment is always just a few steps to the couch away. And let me tell you, it is tempting. I don’t know how anyone can be bored when they lack any and all responsibility. I like to think of responsibility as a bear trap clasped tightly around my bloody ankle, causing me to limp through life.

But hey, to each her crazy own. So here are a few suggestions to deal with boredom:

1. Learn to cook. It’s educational, time consuming, and delicious.
2. Volunteer at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. (Hahaha.)
3. Masturbate.
4. Plot the perfect murder.
5. Internet dating.
6. Make up stories about how your mother grew up in an orphanage. Spread them liberally.
My girlfriend really likes when I (wait, is this blog rated PG-13?), well I think the technical term is cunnilingus. But it’s really confusing and I’m not sure I’m doing it right. Any pointers?

- Tim

Tim, Tim, Tim. Trying to give advice on how to orally pleasure a woman is impossible. You see, women are like snowflakes – each one is cold and unique in her own way. One woman’s tongue flick is another woman’s circular motion. In truth, it is a bit unfair. Going down on a girl is like trying to put together a piece of furniture from IKEA: It doesn’t matter whether you’re assembling a desk, entertainment center, night stand, or book case – all you’ve got is the same gold allen wrench every single time. The real trick is learning the right way to utilize it for the job.

(Safety Notice: I just realized this could be a dangerously mixed metaphor if someone actually tried to use an allen wrench during oral sex. Let me make this clear – that rarely works.)
Nobody likes me. Should I go eat worms?

Best regards,

Not so fast, Ryan. It turns out ingesting worms may actually be healthy for us.

Bowel expert Dr. Joel Weinstock (who isn’t a big hit at cocktail parties) notes that before gut worms were eradicated 50 or so years ago, allergies were virtually unheard of. Now one third of the UK suffers from some sort of allergy. So when mother-of-two, Anna Glanz, who suffers from incurable colitis, came to Weinstock, he gave her a special treatment: a drink full of worm eggs.

"Worms require humans to survive. In essence the worms are part of us and it's possible that we've become interdependent and removing worms has resulted in an imbalance to our immune systems.

Although Weinstock is quick to note that "People have what I consider an irrational fear of worms. Nobody wants to go to the toilet and look into the toilet and see something wiggle.”

So no, you shouldn’t eat worms. You might get healthy and disappoint everyone.

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at


Blogger nycaboo said...

whoa whoa, so am I right in assuming brooke works for daily candy?
..definate kudos on the book :)

July 11, 2008 at 7:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

I only read this today (Saturday) so I can not go back to Friday and fly in to Books and Books, but that is only because my stupid flux capacitor is broken. Stupid flux capacitor....

July 12, 2008 at 12:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Wait. My mom was a scoliosis-wracked orphan named Curly...


July 14, 2008 at 11:35:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Amber said...

First, congrats to Brooke,so cool! Secondly, unrelated to this actual post... I can NOT stop watching Friday Night Lights now. Your post was the final straw of my hearing how great this show is and I found out I could watch season 1 instantly on Netflix. Now I can't do anything but watch it, I'm surprised I've made it to work. So GOOD. I will join the crusade to save this show, where do I sign up?

July 15, 2008 at 1:04:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous UKnowWhatI said...

mtaAmber - wow...kiss @ss much?

July 15, 2008 at 1:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

"I will try to get her to do other things with her own bare hands" sounded like it was going in a very, very different direction.

July 16, 2008 at 5:08:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just got an issue of "Real Simple" magazine in the mail.. with a plug of Brooke's book. Go Brooke!
- A big fan who's slightly embarrassed she subscribes to Real Simple.

July 20, 2008 at 12:15:00 AM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:33:00 AM EST  

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