Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bigfoot Found! – UPDATE!

In case anyone was wondering whatever happened with the groundbreaking discovery of Bigfoot last week, and the subsequent press conference to disclose the results of DNA testing to prove that the beast in the freezer was, in fact, a Sasquatch . . . well, you’ll never guess how this one ended. If you’re retarded.

According to the New York Times:

Results from tests on genetic material from alleged remains of Bigfoot, made public at a news conference in Palo Alto held after the claimed discovery swept the Internet, failed to prove the existence of the mythical half-ape and half-human creature . . . One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, said Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the analysis.

THIS IS AMAZING NEWS TO ME! I was all ready to board a plant to Georgia (the state where the Sasquatch live, not the war torn country; that would be silly), bringing with me all sorts of raw meat and gadgets covered in tin foil for tracking down a furry beast of my own. And I was willing to pay these guys the $499 they were asking for to lead me on the groundbreaking expedition! But now this!!!

Seriously though, someone needs to tell these pranksters that a good hoax involves thinking ahead. Sending a vial full of possum DNA to the lab doesn’t exactly buy you time to plan your next move.


OpenID notsojenny said...

has no one else put together the fact that this was totally a pblicity stunt??
there's a book coming out!
i'm more curious about the montauk monster. my money is on turtle without a shell.

August 20, 2008 at 1:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger David Gerard said...

But they're such trustworthy fellows! I'm sure they just put a rubber suit out by mistake. Will the real Bigfoot be revealed?

August 20, 2008 at 4:09:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous movie buff said...

i'm still trying to figure out if "Sasquatch" is Bigfoot's name, or if that's the name of his species

August 20, 2008 at 4:50:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous long time reader, fourth time poster said...

Have you seen the commercial for the Wendy's "Baconator" with the guy who explains that he's a "meatetarian"? He reminds me of you. Has anyone else told you that? Look for it.

August 20, 2008 at 10:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leezer said...

"96% from an opossum"? So what was the other 4% from? A Hooters waitress?

A few years ago on the Discovery Channel an episode of "Searching for Bigfoot" aired and after two hours of painstaking laboratory "research" the only theory "scientists" could agree upon was (A) No Bigfoot scat has ever been found; (B) Bigfoot stinks like a load of dung THEREFORE, Bigfoot has no butt hole.

August 21, 2008 at 3:09:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Screw the Sasquatch theory - I can't stop thinking now that there are half-breed human-opossums out there! How did that happen? Wait, no, I know how that hap-


August 21, 2008 at 6:33:00 PM EDT  
OpenID caitlynintherye said...

I got so excited at work last week- I was printing all of the articles and pasting them around the Fugitive unit with witty sayings like "If they can find Bigfoot, can't you find [insert fugitive name]?"
What a let down! Especially to find out that one of the Bigfoot Hunters in on the hoax was a police officer. Who would ever suspect a man of the law to actually BREAK the very laws he is supposed to uphold?

August 26, 2008 at 2:57:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous ms cute pants said...

Pssshhh I knew that story was fake before I began reading it. But Harry & the Hendersons never fails to pop up in my mind when there's Big Foot talk.

August 27, 2008 at 5:12:00 PM EDT  

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