Thursday, August 14, 2008

Fun With Committed Relationships, No. 347

Here’s something people don’t tell you when you move in with your girlfriend: If you spend more than five minutes in the bathroom, when you come out sometimes she’ll ask, “Is everything OK?” It’s startling because you want to respond, “Yeah, everything’s great now,” but that implies a back story about you taking a poop vis a vis a process that maybe took a bit more time and energy than you initially anticipated. And the question (however misguided it may be) is borne out of a general concern, so you can’t really get angry about it.

Although you have to wonder what kind of answer they’re expecting. Do they think that something different happens for guys in the bathroom? Or that we don’t know what to do once we’re alone in there, or how to handle a tricky situation that may arise? Like:

Her: “Is everything OK?”
Him: “No! You should have seen it. I took a poop, right? And it’s kind of big so I decide that I need to flush once now, and once after I wipe. But then I flush and the toilet clogs! Even without paper! So there I am, standing with my pants around my ankles, a wad of toilet paper in one hand and the plunger in the other, only problem being my natural instinct is to wipe first, but then I’d have nowhere to put it, so at this point I’m really confused . . .”

Conclusion: Better to just silently nod and carry your book back to your desk.


Anonymous JustinS said...

They apparently learn this at a young age. Thanks to my wife, my four-year-old daughter starts knocking on the door if I haven't come out in what they deem to be an acceptable amount of time.

Unless I hear a loud thud or abnormal screams of anguish, I'll never ask questions when the roles are reversed.

August 14, 2008 at 5:08:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not like this post.

August 14, 2008 at 5:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Non Sequitur Chica said...

Ha ha I never ask while my boyfriend is still IN the bathroom, but I do ask if everything went alright if he takes a while (more jokinly than out of concern). Just like justins doesn't ask his wife, my boyfriend also doesn't talk to me when I am busy.

August 14, 2008 at 5:59:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Actually, being the Curious George of the non-cartoon monkey set, I, too, have always kind of wanted to answer, 'No!', just to see what would happen.

August 14, 2008 at 6:09:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure this is a gender thing. WH could die in the bathroom, and it would take me a few hours to realize, and another few hours to work up the courage to go in there.

He, on the other hand, will actually try to have a conversation with me from the other room, or will talk to the dog in the next room. I had to establish rules- no entering the rooms right off of the bathroom, no asking me if I'm okay, no comments or questions. Period.

Also, when I get up to go to the bathroom, he will ask me where I'm going. Dude. The house is 1200 sq ft. If I'm not grabbing something out of the next room, I'm probably using the restroom. Hello?

August 14, 2008 at 6:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ki Two said...

Good advice. :)

August 14, 2008 at 8:41:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this for Esquire or something? It's just not very funny, Daniel.

August 14, 2008 at 8:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

LOL! I always ask my mom why my dad is taking so long in the bathroom and my voice is always tinged with concern.

August 15, 2008 at 1:26:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

Unfortunately Justins is correct - we are taught to do this. Every night after dinner my mother would send me to go ask my father if he was alright. I hated it, and have vowed to stop the cycle in the next generation.

August 15, 2008 at 2:32:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Sarah said...

Lol! Now I feel bad because I do that to my boyfriend all the time! hahaha.

August 15, 2008 at 8:30:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't lie. You were jerking off.

August 15, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

Ha! I do ask occasionally. But only because it's normally such a swift turnaround time that when he's gone more than 5 minutes I do get concerned. Also, there was that one time I found him curled up on the floor in the fetal position and had to rush him to the emergency room. So, I ask. And when he responds with a quick, "Yep, fine", I can mind my own business again.

August 15, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM EDT  
Blogger the Bag Lady said...

Hehehehehe - in this household, the standard question is:
"Did everything come out alright?"
Standard answer?
"Yup, in the end..."

This post cracked me up! Of course, I'm old, and easily amused.

August 15, 2008 at 10:08:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Joanna said...

Just call to her from the bathroom next time and tell her you need help. You need a hand to hold. See how concerned she is then.

August 15, 2008 at 11:39:00 AM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

the Bag Lady & I might live in the same house - because we make the same crude joke. Although the husband is MUCH more likely to ask me how things came out than the other way around. He also will try to talk to me when I'm in the bathroom.

August 15, 2008 at 11:45:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol i do this to my husband too. hilarious!!

August 15, 2008 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous MS CUTE PANTS said...

Haha Guilty as charged, but then we have to have some way of showing we care, right?

August 16, 2008 at 11:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...

i am annoyed just reading that she does this and vow to never. also, when someone does this to me i have a hard time remaining calm. but now i think i will just answer: "damn it's crazy in there!"

August 17, 2008 at 8:29:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Great post.

Next time, try one of these:

"I feel like a new man."


"I feel like $100."


"I just took a big ol' crap."

August 18, 2008 at 2:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger BSH ADMIN said...

But girls have that thing where they spend an hour in the bathroom squeezing armpit pimples and then have to make up a story about poop because that's LESS gross. What? What? Just me?

August 18, 2008 at 4:19:00 PM EDT  
Blogger -J said...

I've never been asked this. Maybe my girlfriends just never really care.

August 21, 2008 at 5:18:00 PM EDT  

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