After all the hoopla, Tropical Storm Fay came and went like my first sexual experience – quietly. But it turns out the only game in town weaker than Fay was the Florida Power & Light Company. The smattering of rain and few gusts of wind proved just enough to knock out our electricity last night.
We’d just finished watching Mad Men (thankfully) when I sat down at my desk check my email. Like a scary movie where a haunted spirit is tampering with the electrical wires, the lights began to dim. And dim. And then flicker. I looked outside at the misty rain delicately floating by the window and wondered Why? And then that was it – like the pig who lived in the house of straw accidentally sneezed, it all came crashing down.
Brooke, who was outside walking Puppy, who, in turn, was fucking pissed off as all hell because to him drops of water are like little tiny taser needles coating his body and ruining his coif, returned to the darkness looking concerned, perhaps because she thought I may be trying to seduce her. I told her the power had gone out (“Really? With that rain?”) and we sat there in the dark for a few minutes not really knowing what to do. Finally, we decided to pour a glass of scotch and devise a plan.
Unfortunately, directly after pouring the scotches, the planning came to an abrupt halt. We found candles, but no matches. Batteries, but no flashlights. It turns out that my mom’s way of doing things works great – if it’s not pitch black outside, you have a working electrical outlet in which to plug your blender, and it’s not growing increasingly hotter with every non-air conditioned second. (Some footnotes would have been helpful, mom.)
Brooke and I decided right then that we would be ready and organized for our next hurricane experience. By scotch number two, we were ready to begin our List of Things To Do Before Another Stupid Hurricane with Another Stupid Name Comes to Town:
1. Put batteries in flashlight before power outage.
2. Buy flashlight.
3. Let the dog out before settling in for Mad Men and scotch. (Alternative method: Teach the dog to let himself out.)
4. Buy all-purpose candles. Romantic bedroom tea lights very difficult to transport, fire hazard.
5. When you hear a crash, do not go outside to “take a look.”
6. In hours leading up to the storm, set air conditioning on 55 and run NONSTOP to create excess coolness.
7. Don’t run out of toilet paper.
8. On the day of the hurricane’s arrival when your refrigerator will probably stop working, do not stock up on milk, meat, and fresh soft cheeses.
10. Don’t go kite surfing on the beach.