Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Social Insecurity Card

Before moving to Miami back in March, I’d visited here only once before. It was 2001, the summer before my junior year of college, and me and three of my friends flew down for a long weekend of blowing off steam before the start of senior year.

This was back before the internet became as prevalent as it is today, though my friends and I considered ourselves ahead of the curve and booked our flights on cheaptickets.com and got our hotel room from hotels.com. Not knowing anything about the city, we inadvertently booked ourselves a room at a hotel some 50 blocks north of South Beach, where all the “partying” we had planned on was happening.

So while it wasn’t non-stop booze-addled revelry like we originally planned, there was still one night we chose as the designated “party” night. It started (like all things in college do) with a bathtub filled with ice and beer in the hotel room, followed by a cab to South Beach. We ended up at Miami’s historic Clevelander hotel/club. I remember it being so packed that I considered doing that thing where you “moo” while you shuffle along with the crowd, until I looked to my right and saw one of the biggest black men of my life and was suddenly worried that it would somehow sound racist.

Once we were inside, we drank and danced and flirted with (read: pointed to) women. At the time, I wasn’t the best at picking up girls (I once cut a girl off mid-sentence to tell her that I like-liked her), but when in Miami, do as the whores. I picked out a girl at the bar (not dancing=less intimidating) and decided to work my charm.

After an awkward introduction about buying her a sink (it was really loud) I found out that her name was Katie and she was from Alabama. Plagued with a rudimentary understanding of geography, I asked her if she lived on a farm. She said she did, and I was intrigued.

Just then, my friends told me they were ready to move on to somewhere less stabby. In a rush, knowing that this was my one chance to meet the farm girl of my dreams, I asked for her number. She had a pen, but nothing to write on. So I pulled out the only piece of scrap paper available to me – my social security card.


There have been many times throughout the years where I have looked at the card and chuckled, “Oh, youth!” Luckily, you don’t really need your social security card for anything. It’s not like a passport or a birth certificate. All you need is the number, and once you’ve committed that to memory during college orientation you’re all set.


Last week, I had to fill out some forms for work. I received an email from HR with the forms to be completed and the instructions for what to send back: signed copies, updated contact information, and a copy of your social security card.

WHAT? You mean you actually need the card for something? IT’S NOT EVEN LAMINATED. Color me ignorant, but if the government wants you to hold on to a something for what might be the next 100 years, shouldn’t it be printed on a material that won’t biodegrade by the time you’re 70?

Reluctantly, I scanned in my social security card and sent it in with the following note:

Attached are all the forms you requested. Please let me know if I overlooked anything. Also, please disregard the girl’s phone number on my social security card. I was young, on vacation, and apparently lacking scrap paper.


Out of curiosity, I called the number five minutes ago (with my number blocked, of course). It went directly to the voice mailbox of a bubbly girl named Rachel, who implored me in a thick Southern drawl to “leave a message and she’ll hit me back.” Guess Katie died. Sad.


Blogger Jules said...

Strangely enough, SS cards are void if you laminate them.

August 26, 2008 at 4:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Vanilla said...

I have no idea why, but I think it's totally awesome that you have some chick's phone number on your SS card.

August 26, 2008 at 4:53:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

That's kind of awesome - although not sure why that's what you were carrying around to a bar on Spring break!

August 26, 2008 at 4:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't you have a cell phone back then?? I know they were brick-sized back in the day but still.

and keep the posts coming, i love to procrastinate!

August 26, 2008 at 5:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

I didn't have a cell phone at the time. I did, however, have a pager. If I had known how useless it would quickly become I would have given it to her and paged her the next day.

August 26, 2008 at 5:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Camels & Chocolate said...

Well, did you ever see Katie again (before she died, of course)?

August 26, 2008 at 5:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

Unfortunately, no. If I recall, she was leaving the next day, rendering her phone number useless anyway. Unless I was ever passing through Alabama's farm country.

August 26, 2008 at 5:42:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're assuming Katie didn't fake number you and it happened to be Rachel's?

August 26, 2008 at 6:26:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

hah! Seems like you're really getting back in the groove. Great posts Dan.

August 26, 2008 at 6:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Arielle said...

Holy crap that is hilarious and ridiculous.

August 26, 2008 at 6:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm, might it have been a good idea to perhaps block some of Katie/Rachel's phone # before putting it on the internets?

August 26, 2008 at 8:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

I'll have to try that 'sink' line. What woman wouldn't want a man who can remodel a bathroom?

August 27, 2008 at 11:47:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your signature is rather... pretty

August 27, 2008 at 11:50:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

I signed that card when I was in fifth grade. And you know what they say: Everyone's a little gay in fifth grade.

August 27, 2008 at 11:58:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

Isn't it some kind of federal offense if you deface your social security card?

I hear if they catch you they make you watch reruns of every State of the Union George W. has ever given. Without access to booze...Or prescription drugs.

Run fast and run far...

August 27, 2008 at 1:15:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a federal offense. Also, do NOT cut those mattress tags!

August 27, 2008 at 2:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Amy said...

just as a side note...employers can't request that you show them your social security card..you would have been fine just showing them your passport.
But alas, had they not asked you, would we have been blessed with this post???

August 27, 2008 at 3:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan...FYI....you can get a new one anytime you lose yours...or in your case deface it....I'm on my fourth or fifth one....just go to any social security office with your passaport or birth certificate....and its free...for some reason I always need my social security card.

Other than that I love your posts!!!

August 27, 2008 at 10:49:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Kate said...

That is the coolest thing ever. Wow!

August 28, 2008 at 6:04:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Tom said...

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the scan of your SSN card. It's very amusing that it'll be there forever.

August 28, 2008 at 10:13:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...

dont' get a new card!!! this is the greatest post EVER. i haven't laughed so hard in a loooong time. now if i just had an SS card, even a one with a wonderful story of felony defacement. xoxox

August 28, 2008 at 7:44:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous ms cute pants said...

Haha I can't belive this actually happened to someone...

Unfortunately you'd never hear this sort of story from a Canadian, our cards are ....CR card plastic. Oh yeah, we're special...at least our government thinks so.

September 5, 2008 at 10:51:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Meow said...

oh dear lord, where have i been? you've moved to miami? you have a girl's number on your social security card? that is fantastic. i am kicking myself for going back to school and missing all your posts.

September 21, 2008 at 10:40:00 PM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:29:00 AM EST  
Blogger Cameon said...


I just got a chance to comment on this post even though I had read it a while back. Being from Alabama let me assure you that not all women would fall for the sink line and not all of us grow up on farms. Some of us even have enough IQ to not give some stranger our phone number and WE EVEN HAVE SHOES!!

Hilarious post Dan! It had my grandmother and I rolling on the floor laughing.

July 7, 2009 at 11:45:00 PM EDT  

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