Friday, September 26, 2008

Fuck Me In The Ass Once, Shame On You. Fuck Me In The Ass Twice, Shame On Me*

The conclusion of our Costa Rica vacation (I guess we’re starting the recap from the end now) involved a return flight on American Airlines that was delayed for four hours due to mechanical problems before finally being cancelled leaving us stranded in San Jose, the city that progress forgot. (Not before we checked our bags, unchecked our bags to run through the airport for a different plane that was made up of working mechanical parts, nearly lost our bags, and ended up in a nearby hotel for the night eating a comped buffet dinner that tasted like something you might find left in the oven at the home of an eight-day old murder victim – who couldn’t cook.)

Point being, that right this very second I am sitting on another American Airlines flight. This time I’m headed to New York for a friend’s bachelor party. The flight was supposed to leave at 4:25, and finally, once everyone was boarded at 6:30, we rolled around the tarmac for a bit before the captain came on the loudspeaker to tell us that due to weather conditions – in New York, not here – we couldn’t take off for another hour. But that we had to board because “they needed the gate.”

Um, unless they are currently using that gate to feed homeless children or stage a scene for the filming of “The Princess Bride 2,” I’m going to go out on a limb and say there was no good reason to make me sit here next to a woman who yells things like, “Look at all the people on their phones! It’s like a commerrrrcial!”**

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* Yes, I wrote that title with a woman glancing over my shoulder at my computer. And yes, she is now letting me have the entire arm rest all to myself.

** UPDATE: She just randomly shouted out, “So this is how the other half lives!” What other half? The plane people? Who live on commercial jets? Shoot me now.

10 Comments:

OpenID notthelifeiordered said...

hahaha oh man,I don't mean to laugh, i know your pain. I did that last weekend, spent 2 hours sitting on a plane because there was traffic in NY. Really? TRAFFIC?! You must be flying into JFK. It sucks major ass.

Say hi to the woman sitting next to you for me! Maybe you should tell her the more she talks the more delayed this plane is going to be. have fun in nyc...

September 26, 2008 at 7:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

I think maybe she's a terrorist - and should be removed from the plane. You should tell the flight attendant that she's shifty.

September 26, 2008 at 7:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger boo said...

oh, slap her!

September 26, 2008 at 7:41:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Katie said...

I feel your pain, sadly. I fly 1 or 2x a month, and I cannot remember, in like, FIVE YEARS, the last time a flight left and arrived on time. WTF is going on? Aren't there people who run airports for a living?

September 27, 2008 at 7:49:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous trigger said...

I learned this lesson long ago - never fly American Airlines...only bad things come from that!

September 27, 2008 at 11:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Phatchik said...

I have a serious fear of flying and it isn't because I think we're going to crash. Quite the opposite actually. I fear I'm going to be forced to sit sandwiched between morons in a metal tube of recycled air for countless hours while the pilot "circles" due to weather.

September 27, 2008 at 12:49:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Janet said...

Loud women on phones are the worst. Who's betting she'll migrate to Times Square once the plane finally lands to mingle with her kind and piss off everyone within a fifteen-foot radius of her constantly surprised and glossed pecker?

September 27, 2008 at 3:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

OMG Tourettes woman sounds like a certain someone I have to put up with everyday at work!
Shut up! I do not need a commentary of your every thought!

September 28, 2008 at 11:14:00 AM EDT  
Blogger LivitLuvit said...

There's a reason they're called "airplane bottles"... just sayin.

September 29, 2008 at 11:08:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've flown to Costa Rica four times in the past year on American Airlines(good surf, cheap flights, relatively safe for drunk american girls) and every single time I have been delayed on the San Jose-Miami leg because of mechanical failure. They fly the Airbus A300, the most decrepit plane ever, on that route. All four times I have spent my $15 "AA meal allowance" on those tasty chocolate covered coffee beans in the airport. Good stuff.

October 1, 2008 at 12:11:00 AM EDT  

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