Friday, September 5, 2008

Why Is This Man Smiling With A Dick In His Ass?

If you’re not one of the millions of men worldwide who are concerned about the size of their penis, you may not have heard the news. Steve Warshak, founder of the company responsible for the increasingly popular male enhancement pill Enzyte, was finally sentenced after his February conviction on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. And the judge didn’t go soft, laying down a stiff sentence: A $93,000 fine, forfeiture of $500 million in revenue, and 25 years in prison. Now that’s hard to swallow:

"This is a case about greed," Judge Spiegel said as he reviewed the case. "Steven Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers."

Former company VP James Teegarden Jr. testified:

If customers complained, he said, employees were instructed to "make it as difficult as possible" for them to get their money back. In some cases, Teegarden said, Warshak required customers to produce a notarized statement from a doctor certifying Enzyte did not work.

"He said it was extremely unlikely someone would get anything notarized* saying they had a small penis," Teegarden said.

Wait, does this mean we won’t get any more of the awesome commercials? I am in absolute awe at how much sexual wordplay and non-vocal innuendo they manage to work into this minute-long ad. Let’s count:

I’ve got fifteen. FIFTEEEN! The only thing missing was a middle-aged secretary deep throating a candy cane. I guess they were saving that for this year’s holiday spot. Alas, now it might never be, with company head Waskel having a mere 30 days to report to a federal penitentiary.

Talk about getting it in the end.

* Notary: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I need this medical statement notarized.”
Notary: “Alright, let’s have a look.”
(Reads it over.)
Notary: “OK, now do you certify that previous to using Enzyte you had a small penis?”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that using Enzyte did not enlarge, broaden, or extend your penis, or make it, in any way, more sturdy or robust?”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that your penis currently remains undersized despite repeated use of Enzyte.”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that your name is Daniel Murphy.”
Customer: (crying) “I do.”


Blogger scott said...

Hilarious, as always. Actually, more than always.

Hello, Dan.

September 5, 2008 at 2:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Hector said...

I'm kind of torn. Yeah, it's great that a slimy dirtbag is going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for a long time. I'm staunchly in favor of slimy dirtbags going to prison for whatever reason happens to be handy. But I have a hard time generating sympathy for people who are actually stupid enough to believe a pill will make their dicks bigger. Seriously, a pill that increases the size of one of your body's organs? That's not self-refuting to anyone with a middle school education? Color me perplexed.

How about a pill to make my bladder bigger? Now that I'd buy. No more hitting the head dozens of times while binge drinking. And how about a bigger liver while you're at it. And such and such.

September 5, 2008 at 4:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger LivitLuvit said...

Hopefully his fellow inmates use lube, not Enzyte.

September 5, 2008 at 5:02:00 PM EDT  
OpenID notthelifeiordered said...

ha! Yeah sucks for him huh? Didn't he realize if it didn't work on him, it wouldn't work on anyone else?

September 5, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who knew you couldn't trust a guy with a smile like that.

Hector - believe it or not there's actually a condition known as micropenis where men are extremely small (I'll let you google it), like so small I doubt they'd be able to do anything with it. I would imagine that it curtails sexual activity... significantly and probably causes serious depression, since sex is such a basic part of human life.

Given their state of mind, it's not a surprise that they'd want to believe, or at least want to try it out - just in case. Giving someone like that false hope is just plain cruel.

September 5, 2008 at 11:02:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS someone obviously didn't inform these men that a big car compensates adequately for a small ween.

September 5, 2008 at 11:05:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous anna said...

I have been seeing these commercials more than ever lately, so I guess he's trying to make one last ditch effort to unload his product before he heads off to the pen. The line that really gets me is "this CHUBBY Santa...". Okay, can you please not give us the mental image of Santa with an erection?

September 6, 2008 at 9:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Marinka said...


September 6, 2008 at 9:12:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Phatchik said...

Dan, just tell the ladies that you had your penis reduced because it was simply TOO large and the Dr. went a bit overboard. When they ask why on earth you would do something like that, remind them that men wonder the same when women get breast reduction.

"Carrying that heavy rod was torturous on my back! And don't even get me started on trying to find briefs that fit and didn't leave marks!"

September 6, 2008 at 11:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

Man, I'm just jealous that I hadn't thought of this scam first.

September 8, 2008 at 2:30:00 AM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:47:00 AM EST  

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