Friday, September 5, 2008

Why Is This Man Smiling With A Dick In His Ass?

If you’re not one of the millions of men worldwide who are concerned about the size of their penis, you may not have heard the news. Steve Warshak, founder of the company responsible for the increasingly popular male enhancement pill Enzyte, was finally sentenced after his February conviction on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. And the judge didn’t go soft, laying down a stiff sentence: A $93,000 fine, forfeiture of $500 million in revenue, and 25 years in prison. Now that’s hard to swallow:

"This is a case about greed," Judge Spiegel said as he reviewed the case. "Steven Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers."

Former company VP James Teegarden Jr. testified:

If customers complained, he said, employees were instructed to "make it as difficult as possible" for them to get their money back. In some cases, Teegarden said, Warshak required customers to produce a notarized statement from a doctor certifying Enzyte did not work.

"He said it was extremely unlikely someone would get anything notarized* saying they had a small penis," Teegarden said.

Wait, does this mean we won’t get any more of the awesome commercials? I am in absolute awe at how much sexual wordplay and non-vocal innuendo they manage to work into this minute-long ad. Let’s count:

I’ve got fifteen. FIFTEEEN! The only thing missing was a middle-aged secretary deep throating a candy cane. I guess they were saving that for this year’s holiday spot. Alas, now it might never be, with company head Waskel having a mere 30 days to report to a federal penitentiary.

Talk about getting it in the end.

_____________________________________
* Notary: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I need this medical statement notarized.”
Notary: “Alright, let’s have a look.”
(Reads it over.)
Notary: “OK, now do you certify that previous to using Enzyte you had a small penis?”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that using Enzyte did not enlarge, broaden, or extend your penis, or make it, in any way, more sturdy or robust?”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that your penis currently remains undersized despite repeated use of Enzyte.”
Customer: “I do.”
Notary: “And that your name is Daniel Murphy.”
Customer: (crying) “I do.”

11 Comments:

Blogger scott said...

Hilarious, as always. Actually, more than always.

Hello, Dan.

September 5, 2008 at 2:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Hector said...

I'm kind of torn. Yeah, it's great that a slimy dirtbag is going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for a long time. I'm staunchly in favor of slimy dirtbags going to prison for whatever reason happens to be handy. But I have a hard time generating sympathy for people who are actually stupid enough to believe a pill will make their dicks bigger. Seriously, a pill that increases the size of one of your body's organs? That's not self-refuting to anyone with a middle school education? Color me perplexed.

How about a pill to make my bladder bigger? Now that I'd buy. No more hitting the head dozens of times while binge drinking. And how about a bigger liver while you're at it. And such and such.

September 5, 2008 at 4:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger LivitLuvit said...

Hopefully his fellow inmates use lube, not Enzyte.

September 5, 2008 at 5:02:00 PM EDT  
OpenID notthelifeiordered said...

ha! Yeah sucks for him huh? Didn't he realize if it didn't work on him, it wouldn't work on anyone else?

September 5, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who knew you couldn't trust a guy with a smile like that.

Hector - believe it or not there's actually a condition known as micropenis where men are extremely small (I'll let you google it), like so small I doubt they'd be able to do anything with it. I would imagine that it curtails sexual activity... significantly and probably causes serious depression, since sex is such a basic part of human life.

Given their state of mind, it's not a surprise that they'd want to believe, or at least want to try it out - just in case. Giving someone like that false hope is just plain cruel.

September 5, 2008 at 11:02:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS someone obviously didn't inform these men that a big car compensates adequately for a small ween.

September 5, 2008 at 11:05:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous anna said...

I have been seeing these commercials more than ever lately, so I guess he's trying to make one last ditch effort to unload his product before he heads off to the pen. The line that really gets me is "this CHUBBY Santa...". Okay, can you please not give us the mental image of Santa with an erection?

September 6, 2008 at 9:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Marinka said...

Hysterical!

September 6, 2008 at 9:12:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Phatchik said...

Dan, just tell the ladies that you had your penis reduced because it was simply TOO large and the Dr. went a bit overboard. When they ask why on earth you would do something like that, remind them that men wonder the same when women get breast reduction.

"Carrying that heavy rod was torturous on my back! And don't even get me started on trying to find briefs that fit and didn't leave marks!"

September 6, 2008 at 11:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

Man, I'm just jealous that I hadn't thought of this scam first.

September 8, 2008 at 2:30:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,按摩棒,跳蛋,充氣娃娃,情境坊歡愉用品,情趣用品,情人節禮物,情惑用品性易購,A片,視訊聊天室,視訊,視訊聊天,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,聊天室,UT聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,免費視訊聊天室

免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,免費AV,色情網站,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人影片,成人網站,A片,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,情色網,日本A片,免費A片下載,性愛

A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX

情趣用品,A片,免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,色情網站,免費AV,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人網站,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,成人影片,情色網


情趣用品,A片,免費A片,日本A片,A片下載,線上A片,成人電影,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,微風成人區,成人文章,成人影城,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,臺灣情色網,色情,情色電影,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,麗的色遊戲,情色論壇,色情網站,一葉情貼圖片區,做愛,性愛,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,美女交友,做愛影片

av,情趣用品,a片,成人電影,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,aio,av女優,AV,免費A片,日本a片,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,聊天室,美女交友,成人光碟

情趣用品.A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,色情遊戲,色情網站,聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,免費A片,日本a片,a片下載,線上a片,av女優,av,成人電影,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,成人網站,自拍,尋夢園聊天室

December 11, 2008 at 2:47:00 AM EST  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home