Monday, October 20, 2008

Finally, A Reason To Learn Math!

I went to Catholic school my entire life. The nuns at my grade school were tough but fair – the way I imagine you have to be when you’re married to someone like God. And while they loved when you asked questions, they hated when you questioned anything. For example, my fifth grade math teacher would patiently answer any question I had about the difference between a fraction and a decimal, but the one time I ask why I need to know the difference between a fraction an a decimal she would get all up in my grill with her coffee breath saying things about being an intelligent child of God and tapping into the talent that God gave me, which always confused me because at the time I thought the talent God gave me was the ability to fight crime with my devastating karate moves.

If only Sister Dorothy had told me that one day being able to do simple math would get me laid, maybe I would have listened.

To wit (and much to the chagrin of late-night sexual predators and stupid people), Google has released a new Gmail feature called Mail Goggled. Users can program the optional add-on to activate itself during the hours when they are most likely drunk, e.g. Friday thru Sunday, 10 p.m. to 4 a.m., or if you’re like me Sunday thru Friday, 11 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.

When activated, a series of simple math problems pop up on the screen when you hit the “send” button. E-mailers must solve the equations in a limited amount of time in order to send their correspondence – the goal being to prevent drunk, drugged, or just plain dumb people from sending ill-advised late night emails quitting their job, telling off their ex, or responding to that kinky girl on Craigslist who “wants it in the back seat”, and by back seat she means her ass.

In theory, I totally agree with this. Many, many, many times I could have used such a censor when I stumbled into my apartment and thought that the best thing to do while eating my pizza would be to catch up on my correspondence, and if a series of math problems had popped up on my screen I probably would have thrown the computer out the window for fear that it had come alive and was attempting to communicate with me in a language I didn’t understand.

On the other hand, though, the mistakes you make when you drunkenly check your email are all part of the natural process of maturation. Who can say what kind of man I would be today if I had never drank that twelve-pack and broken up with that Russian gymnast in college via email while she was spending the summer in Spain? I may still be with her! And I may be a gymnast, too! And we may tour the world in the circus performing to sold out crowds as a husband and wife team who juggle each other on the backs of elephants parading around center ring. Which is terribly dangerous. My point is, sometimes you need to get drunk and send rash, unthoughtout emails full of incorrect and/or imaginary words, if for no other reason than you may get laid, and if you do it will probably be one of the scarier sexual encounters you’ve ever had, which, in the long run, will help shape you as a responsible adult.

Just like Catholic school.

12 Comments:

Blogger nyc said...

When I saw the picture I laughed out loud. Saw this google add on feature a week or so ago I wanted to post something about it myself, but you do a much better job. I think its hilarious. Google=genious

October 20, 2008 at 7:00:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

I couldn't even answer those questions if I was stone cold sober. Guess I'll never get laid again. Damn math, always plotting against me.

October 20, 2008 at 10:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

Speaking of karate moves, last night I saw a 60ish year old man walking down Fremont Street in Las Vegas, periodically busting out karate moves and yelling "Hee Yah!" without breaking stride. It was most impressive.

October 21, 2008 at 1:07:00 AM EDT  
Blogger jiggins said...

I swear to you I saw the same guy on Fremont Street ... I was at the Golden Nugget around 530am-ish.. heh. Anyway.. I dig this blog man. very intelligent and fun to read. Sea ya .. check out mine. www.lostboyblue.com = continuum

October 21, 2008 at 9:13:00 AM EDT  
OpenID peterdewolf said...

THAT'S what she means when she says "backseat?"

October 21, 2008 at 10:15:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

5 x 2? Is that really the best they can do? I have a feeling that anyone who doesn't know what 5 x 2 is may also have a problem with the whole 'click click type type' thing required for hot email action.

October 21, 2008 at 12:23:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Raz said...

I'm doing a Further Maths A-Level. I think I need more complex problems. Maybe integration, or the square root of a complex number?

Still, I always wonder whether this would just stop some people sending emails on Fridays no matter what - drunk or sober.

And what happens when I got on a random rampage on a Wednesday night?

October 21, 2008 at 1:30:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This may sound completely off subject, I'm assuming so since I haven't read the post yet. But something's come up.
I had a dream last night. I climbed aboard a Chicago bus that you were also riding Dan. You struck up a conversation with me because you noticed that I was reading your book. The dream time warped and we ended up in numerous situations, including one where I was moving into a space that you had previously worked in, and another situation where you really dug the cartoon version of me. (angelina jolie -esque with stawberry blonde hair.)
Anyway, what I'm getting at is, when are you going to publish a book?
Don't worry, there was mention of Brooke and you're in good company, I've spent several nights recently hanging out with Barak.

October 21, 2008 at 2:52:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Lang said...

Heard about this on NPR. Awesome.

October 21, 2008 at 5:42:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought this was a great idea for about four seconds until I realized that my drunken ass would just turn the MailGoggle setting. I'm never too drunk to handle the internet, which is why I need a service like that in the first place.

Besides, the weeks after a hefty drunken email session is always exciting, kind of like easter, when you get responses or stumble upon facebook posts to discover what forgotten nuggets you sent out during your spree.

October 21, 2008 at 10:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry, my drunken ass would turn the mail settings OFF.

October 21, 2008 at 10:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

You dated a Russian gymnast?

October 23, 2008 at 6:12:00 AM EDT  

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