Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Jesus Christ Venereal Disease*

If you haven’t heard about this movie yet, prepare to be spin-kicked in the face by glee.

Writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri (who has worked on a handful of other projects you’ve never heard of) just shattered the Pop Cultural Awareness Scale with J.C.V.D. – the fake story of the real Jean-Claude Van Damme . . . starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. (I’ll give you a second to clean up your brains off the floor.)

Mechri basically created a fictional story about Van Dam based on factual details of his life (fading career, money problems, legal issues) then went out and pitched it to Jean-Claude Van Damme who, in a not-unanticipated twist, needed the money. And while this meta reach around may seem like one big gimmick, just wait until you see the trailer.

Here is a list of three things I have been more excited about in my whole life than the release of this movie:

1. When I first got Nintendo.
2. The second time I had sex.
3. I can’t even think of a third.

I’m not ashamed to say that I love Jean-Claude Van Damme. When I was young, I would go through the weekly TV listings in the Sunday paper and plan which school days I would pretend to be sick in conjunction with what days Bloodsport would be playing on Cinemax. Some of my happiest memories are of me practicing karate moves in my pajamas and hurrying back under the covers on the couch when I heard my mom coming in the room to give me more medicine. I even saw Timecop. Twice.

And now I feel vindicated, like my arbitrary devotion to Jean-Claude Van Damme has been justified – all of it leading up to this moment when I will sit down to watch J.C.V.D. and not one single bit of irony will be wasted on me.

Oh, and it’s release date? November 7th. MY BIRTHDAY. Or as it will come to be known to future generations, The Most Ass-Kicking Birthday Ever.

* Me: “We have to see J.C.V.D.”
Brooke: Jesus Christ Venereal Disease?”


Me: “No, the new Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.”
Brooke: “Oh. Well Jesus Christ Venereal Disease would make a good movie, too.”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! i found myself clapping and squealing with glee at the end of the trailer. There wasn't a six year old girl on earth who loved Bloodsport more than me. I can't wait!!

October 14, 2008 at 3:17:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Jesus Christ Venereal Disease"

Will you stop dawdling and put a ring on her finger already?

-Not the mother

October 14, 2008 at 6:53:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

Okay I'm not a VD fan but gosh that trailer looks good. Also I agree with anon, Brooke's hilarious. Marry her quickly.

October 15, 2008 at 1:12:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I concur with my fellow comment posters - marry her already!! WTF are waiting for?!

October 15, 2008 at 12:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jim Gerl said...


I just voted for your excellent blog for the Bloggers Choice Awards.

Could you please return the favor at:



October 15, 2008 at 1:55:00 PM EDT  
Blogger David said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

October 15, 2008 at 4:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger David said...

I was trying so hard to be cool, but I have to admit that I am excited to see this movie.

BUT, am I the only one that liked Blood Sport 2 more than the original?

ps. While pretending to be JCVD, did you also do the splits with a chair under each foot suspending you [in the splits] in the air?! He did that in every movie...

October 15, 2008 at 4:23:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy sweet crap. Where do they grow Brookes? And do they have any more like her?

October 16, 2008 at 10:26:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm ready.

JCVD rules.

He'd karate kick his mother in the face for a gram of coke.

October 16, 2008 at 8:00:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Towely said...

I'm not big on his other movies but man do I love me some Bloodsport. I ALWAYS watch the whole thing when I catch it on TV

October 17, 2008 at 3:37:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Soap said...

I'm not even a dude and I'd marry Brooke.

Wait, that's legal now, isn't it?

Can I have Brooke's number?

October 17, 2008 at 9:37:00 AM EDT  
Blogger lacochran's evil twin said...

Jesus Christ Venereal Disease would make a kick ass movie!

October 17, 2008 at 10:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the frog princess said...

I was watching Bloodsport the first time I got felt up... romantic, no?

October 23, 2008 at 12:53:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, Brooke wasn't that far off. There IS a movie out there called "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" and having seen it I can rightfully speculate that there may have been some venereal disease on the set. Needless to say the movie is very hard to find and is absolutely awful and great at the same time. Look it up.


November 23, 2008 at 1:00:00 AM EST  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:22:00 PM EDT  

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