Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Centrum Wants Me To Die Young

If there’s two things I love in this world, it’s a good woman and a good sale. If there’s two more, it’s a stiff drink and a steak sandwich. And if there’s two more after that, I’ll take a Mad Men marathon and 12-hour Ambien-induced night of sleep. But, to go back to my original point, quote me a deep discount on a quality Russian bride and I’m a happy man.

When it comes to sales, my love doesn’t even stem so much from the fact that I’m saving money; it’s that I’m getting something for less money than other people paid for it. Without even trying, I’ve outwitted someone else who was gullible enough to spend 30% more for their sheets than I did. One time, I even spent $49.99 on a bath mat for no other reason than that it was marked down from $150. To this day, I dream of the moment when I will have company over and as they exit the bathroom they’ll say, “Hey, I have the same bath mat at home,” and I’ll leap from my chair and yell, “$49.99!”

So when I was in CVS the other day buying vitamins, I was naturally psyched to see that Centrum was on sale. Now, I don’t have an allegiance to any brand of vitamin. It’s not like I think One-a-Day’s iron is any more potent than Centrum’s. Except that the only Centrum variety that was on sale was Centrum Silver – the multi-vitamin specially formulated for people 50 and over.

Initially, I balk. I’m a strapping young man, so there’s no reason for me to be taking whatever kind of osteoporosis-fighting minerals they’re putting in Centrum Silver. On a whim, though, I look at the label. And it turns out that Centrum Silver has the same ingredients as regular Centrum, just more of it.

I’m still studying the two labels in shock at my new discovery when an elderly woman approaches me holding two bottles of fish oil. She holds them up to my face and says, “Can you tell me the difference between these two bottles? One is $8 cheaper than the other one!”

“For starters,” I answer, “The more expensive bottle has 180 pills in it. The cheaper one only has 100. Plus the more expensive one seems to prevent fish burps, if that is important to you.”

She looked me in the eye like, “Did you just say fish burp to me?” and walked back over to the shelf more confused than thankful. And it was then that I decided to buy the Centrum Silver. It all made sense: Centrum Silver was part of a conspiracy designed by the multi-vitamin industry to keep everyone just healthy enough to need their product when they’re young, but not so healthy that they don’t need it when they’re old. And if Centrum wants me to wait until I’m forty-nine years, three-hundred and sixty four days old to start getting healthy, well fuck them.

I bought the bottle, smiling not only about the economic deal I got but the deal I got on cheating death. When I got home, I put the bag on the counter.

Brooke: (taking bottle of Centrum Silver out of CVS bag) “Is there a reason you bought the vitamins for old people?”

Me: “It was on sale. Plus, I compared it with the regular stuff and get this: The only difference is that it has more vitamins and more antioxidants. I love vitamins and antioxidants!” (popping open the top) “Do you want one now?”

Brooke: “No thanks, I’ll hold off . . . until I’m 50.”

A good deal and a good woman, and I’m a happy man.


Blogger Not The Rockefellers said...

Way to get all Nader on the vitamin industry!!!

That's showin' em ya little whippersnapper! ( raises cane in the way that jubilant old people in movies and cartoons do. I have never actually seen this done in real life. )

Peace - Rene

November 19, 2008 at 4:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger jiggins said...

I have the same issue with buying things on sale - i somehow find a way to justify the sale - even if it is that hope for a moment of exclaiming how much I paid for it when company is over! Women are particularly impressed by this... not that that is a goal .. but it never hurts. As for vitamins, i stick to taking digestive enzymes to get more out of the food I eat, and I eat as healthy as possible for 6 days.. then get a bit whacky on the 7th day of my choice... then back to the gym the next day. It's a cycle. ; / (

also: look up Krill Oil - If that matters to you :)

November 19, 2008 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger the frog princess said...

While I love a good sale as much as the next person, and for much the same reasons that you outlined above, if I found myself hanging around with someone who would actually spend $150 on a bathmat, I'd be less concerned with flaunting my bargain-hunting skills and more concerned about the downturn in my taste in friends...

November 20, 2008 at 12:27:00 AM EST  
Blogger sid said...

You body only needs a certain amount of vitamins. If you have too much it'll just wash out in your urine.

November 21, 2008 at 4:29:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps there's a market for vitamin infused urine!

November 21, 2008 at 5:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous, there sort of is a market for urine, only not for the vitamins and not from humans, for some reason women have been ingesting horse piss for years because they have been led to believe that it will relieve their post-menopause symptoms. I guess it does, if you don't mind the cancer or the strokes that come along with it. Ok, getting off my soap box....

November 23, 2008 at 8:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Crankyputz said...

Your the most clever Blogger ever.

Besides it's always good to get a head start...

November 25, 2008 at 12:55:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Centrum Silver does not have Iron it. Also it has less Vitamin A than a Multi Vitamin. You son are not getting this. You thought you were getting more Vitamin at a Sale price. You young man are a real dumb ass. You trying to be so clever but your a real putz. Keep on Truckin Dumb Ass

January 14, 2013 at 10:20:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Franky Babbay said...

Frickin funny as hell. I just went thru the same procedure. All though to be honest ive thought about this before and generally my mind is get the older stuff just because I think I can prevent it while im young. Plus i need the osteo crap

December 28, 2014 at 7:00:00 PM EST  

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