Wednesday, November 26, 2008

“Happy Turkey Day” Is So Ironic Because None Of The Turkeys Are Happy

This year will mark the first time that I am not in New York (or any of its surrounding states) for Thanksgiving. I thought about flying home for the feast, but at the end of the day you’re traveling 1,500 miles for poultry. And since the advent of the telephone and e-mail, there’s no need to sit around a dinner table to show your family you love them when it’s just as easy to send a Thanksgiving e-card.

But being in Miami feels weird. Truthfully, all holidays (except for Labor Day) feel weird in Miami. Maybe it’s the weather, or the region’s distinct lack of historical significance, but there’s just something about the idea of Christopher Columbus, Native Americans, and turkeys all hanging out on a beach that doesn’t seem right. Also not right is my historical interpretation of the origins of Thanksgiving, but that’s not the point.

Regardless, Brooke and I (and Brooke’s brother who flew down to avoid family with us) will be cooking our own Thanksgiving dinner, the prospect of which is both empowering and terrifying. This is the Super Bowl of dinners. I’ve overcooked plenty of hamburgers while shot gunning beers after a long day’s work, but messing up Thanksgiving dinner is on par with poking your father’s eye out with a tree branch on Christmas Eve. (Trust me, I’ve done it.) What’s more, it’s an insult to food – a commodity that has been so good to me over the years that for me to turn around now and slap it in its dry, overcooked face would be inexcusable.

So everyone, wish me luck. In return when it comes time for me to be thankful about something, I will think of how appreciative I am that my blog’s awesomeness has tricked a bunch of complete strangers into wishing me luck over roasting a bird.

Happy stuffing! (If you know what I mean.)

(I didn’t mean that sexually.)

(Scratch that, take it sexually – turkey sex for all!)

(Not sex with turkeys, though. Gosh, this got weird fast.)

36 Comments:

Blogger the gazelle said...

thanksgiving without a little stuffing is no fun at ALL! good luck with that.

November 26, 2008 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Liz said...

My boyfriend and I also had grand plans to cook our own Thanksgiving dinner...but then we realized we would be buying $100 worth of food, $89 of which we wouldn't even consume (there's something about leftovers that gives me the willies). But best of luck with your endeavors. P.S. We all know that not much Post-Thanksgiving sex goes on--women hate getting it on when they've already got a food baby in their stomach.

November 26, 2008 at 1:52:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I'll bite..hehe...

Hope your turkey comes out of the oven perfectly moist. Try putting a tinfoil tent over the breast for the first few hours to hold the juicy goodness in. Then take the tent off and smear the skin with butter so it will brown really nicely. Works for me usually, unless I get too far into the wine before I remember how it all works! But then, I don't really care about the dry turkey, because all I care about is getting SOMETHING into my stomach so I don't feel really bad the next day.
Hmmm, maybe it's not a good idea to take my advice. I've been wrong before.

Ciao, Lillie

November 26, 2008 at 1:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

All the more reason to be thankful because a woman can't get pregnant when she's already carrying a food baby. It's science.

November 26, 2008 at 2:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger E Chuod said...

Well, give me a leg then. And a thigh, aaaaaaaaaaaaand a breast.

Wing and a prayer. That's it.

November 26, 2008 at 2:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Phatchik said...

That first picture reminded me - there has been a serious lack of posts including / pertaining to / centered on PUPPY!

November 26, 2008 at 2:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger nyc said...

"flying 1500 miles for poultry"
word

have a lovely miami thanksgiving...and honestly, a turkey isnt as difficult as it appears (baste, baste, baste!)
I have faith in you, brooke and puppy :)

November 26, 2008 at 2:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger wflooter480 said...

Good luck roasting dead bird! Ooph, you tricked me...

It's my first year making the Thanksgiving dinner too. ACK!

November 26, 2008 at 2:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

Doesn't everyone know of someone who left the package of innards in the bird? Just don't do that. Carefully read the instructions. Make sure it's thawed. You'll be fine.

Your illustration was the Thanksgivingist I've ever seen.
Enjoy!

ps. Don't give Puppy too much turkey. I don't get it, but apparently it can be toxic to dogs and he's so teeny.

November 26, 2008 at 3:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nyc is right. Baste that bird over and over. Every 30 minutes. Use a good "organic, free range, etc," if you can. They start off a better quality bird. Gives you a wider margin to F%*# up.

November 26, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Uncle Ebenezer said...

Good luck with stuffing that turkey.

...sexually, I mean.

November 27, 2008 at 12:02:00 AM EST  
Blogger Greg said...

Hey, just passing through. Didn't just find this website from a "turkey sex" search from Google. Even if I had, I'm not disappointed. But like I said. Totally didn't.

Thanks for the Little Jackie track. And for keeping the dream alive.

GREG

November 27, 2008 at 9:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

have a sarah palin thanksgiving!

November 28, 2008 at 5:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger LiLu said...

Just do what I did the first time I had to host a Thanksgiving dinner:

WRAP THE ENTIRE TURKEY IN BACON. Cook for 4 hours.

Trust me, you can't go wrong. Because bacon makes everything so, so right.

November 30, 2008 at 2:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger sid said...

Yeah turkey sex did get me thinking that you're a weirdo! Good luck with the dinner

December 1, 2008 at 8:23:00 AM EST  
Blogger goooooood girl said...

your blog is feel good......

December 3, 2008 at 2:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

I can't take it anymore. I bought Little Jackie, and I freakin' love it. But what the hell rhymes with fine low poo fun doe? I must know. Please.

December 3, 2008 at 11:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger whoissecretdubai said...

Hello,

A humble request...

Do you, by any chance, happen to know who Secret Dubai (the blogger: secretdubai.blogspot.com) is?

http://whoissecretdubai.blogspot.com/

December 4, 2008 at 8:42:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jossie Posie said...

I never realized how strange holidays were in Miami until I started to travel and noticed what it really feels like around Thanksgiving and Christmas time elsewhere.

You do get used to it though and then you wonder how you ever survived winter without a super awesome tan.

December 4, 2008 at 5:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nicole said...

Sarah - fine low poo fun doe = 90210
That's right, our Dan is a 15 year old girl.

December 9, 2008 at 11:52:00 PM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

Did you have some sort of Thanksgiving disaster?!

December 11, 2008 at 1:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

Thank you Nicole!! I can sleep again (right after I tivo 90210).

December 11, 2008 at 4:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy turkey day?

Isn't it almost jesus day?

Where are you?

December 13, 2008 at 10:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Queen Vic said...

It must be close to American Christmas, now isn't it?? Dying for a holiday season update if you've got one!

-Canadian Queen

December 14, 2008 at 11:25:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope everything is going alright..

December 14, 2008 at 4:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Katie said...

Did the oven explode? Are you trapped beneath an obese tourist? Hope things are okay!

December 14, 2008 at 9:01:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what the h? update already.

December 16, 2008 at 2:46:00 AM EST  
Anonymous all of us said...

we miss you

December 17, 2008 at 6:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Law Girl said...

Please come back soon.

December 17, 2008 at 10:46:00 PM EST  
OpenID Shaka said...

Your fans are screaming wildly for your return. Our need to live through you is being stifled. what could possibly be going on in the real world that is more important than what is going on in cyberspace. I can't go cold turkey on this. (mind the pun)
Unless someone has died. (sorry if someone has died)
Being in India makes me a little insensitive about this.

December 18, 2008 at 2:38:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give us a christmas blog posting prezzie please! I keep looking back and feel as sad as a kid who dropped their ice cream on cement, on a hot summer day, because you haven't posted something new!

December 18, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Phatchik said...

Are you there Dan? It's me, Phatchik!

December 19, 2008 at 10:51:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe it's his SAD thing going on. He lives in Florida though...

December 19, 2008 at 4:36:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He is still accepting friends on Facebook so he is alive. Then again it could be puppy filling in for him.

December 19, 2008 at 4:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

he's also still blogging at Esquire.com, so he has to be alive.
Probably just busy. 'tis the season!

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/santa-clause-joke-videos-121908

December 20, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM EST  

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