Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Holy Shit, It’s Election Day

I won’t lie; I’ve been a little obsessive about this whole presidential election thing. I know it may surprise many of you who view me solely as a devil-may-care ne’er-do-well. In fact, I don’t even know the meaning of those two words. That’s how much I usually don’t care.

But this is different. Like Rambo III, Jaws 2, and any plot involving Steven Segal, This time it’s personal. For eight years I’ve watched as this country that I think is pretty alright has been summarily shat on by the rest of the developed world, except certain places in Asia where internet access is limited. But even then all they want are our blue jeans and Coca-cola, two things that were invented long before the year 2000 – relics of this country’s great ancient past. And I, for one, am ashamed.

So here we are: Election day. I woke up early with a slight nausea – equal parts excitement and nervousness. I’ve already read every election-related story, anonymously commented on every anti-Sarah Palin message board, and replied-all with a terse though profanity-laden email to the McCain campaign newsletter I found in my inbox, even though I’m pretty sure it’s sent out by one of those automatic message services.

And now what? I can’t even look forward to casting my ballot today because both Brooke and I voted already last week, and from what I understand you can’t vote twice, nor can you don a fake mustache and use your fake ID from college to try to vote as someone different, nor can you convince some very narrow-minded election officials that you suffer from multiple personality disorder and that Marge, Becky, and Clint feel disenfranchised by the narrow definition of “a person.”

All that’s left to do is wait for the polls to start closing, sit down with the good scotch and hope for the best. In the meantime, I plan on distracting myself by writing a few short posts today – all about something other than the election. And maybe a few about the election. Because goddamnit this is history being made. And you know what they say: You can ignore history, but eventually she will come back and tell you that you should probably be checked for STDs anyway.

3 Comments:

OpenID peterdewolf said...

I know Becky.

She's a bit of a whoooooore.

November 4, 2008 at 10:35:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Simon said...

I was under the impression that election days (and second and third votes) were the sole reason fake moustaches existed.

November 4, 2008 at 11:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger Phatchik said...

Oh Dan! I didn't think it was possible for me to like you any more than I already did. You have, once again, proven me wrong.

November 4, 2008 at 11:32:00 AM EST  

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