Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Worst Bargain of 2008: Natalie Dylan’s Virginity

In a recession economy like this, it’s important to search for value buys. Money is stretched thin, job security is tenuous, and while in flush times you grew accustomed to certain extravagances, suddenly you find yourself sacrificing the $30 grass fed rib eye for the $5 cat fed butt loin. (Butt loin?)

Still, this doesn’t mean that you have to live like a pauper, nor does it mean you must give up the subtle joys of that fifth scotch. It does mean, however, that you must choose your purchases wisely. Which is why I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would buy what Natalie Dylan is selling.

What is it she’s selling, you ask? Well you probably already read the title, so you know it’s her vagina. Yes, Natalie Dylan is going on record as saying that her delicate flower is literally up for grabs to the highest bidder.

While she is looking for a purchase price in the range of (pause for dramatic effect) ONE MILLION DOLLARS, the latest news I’ve heard (which might not be the most current since I don’t subscribe to Whore Weekly) is that no suitor has sealed the deal.

And stop me if this sounds crazy, but someone not paying $1 million for a girl’s virginity sounds about right. First of all, there’s a reason they call it “taking” someone’s virginity. Not only because sex is the greatest free thing around (up there with “a crisp Autumn day” and NPR radio), but because there’s a name for girls who charge money for sex and it begins with a “pro” and ends with a “duct of a broken home.”

Second, I’m no economics major but last I heard the way a market economy works is that someone invents a product that everyone loves and wants and then customers pay money for it. WHO WANTS A VIRGINITY? If I wanted a totally unsexy, emotionally over-wrought five minutes of second-guessing my life’s decisions amidst conflicting pleas of “stop, go, no, yes,” I would have sex with a schizophrenic non-virgin because at least she’d know what she was doing.

Third, really?

Further complicating the issue is that other than her uncomfortable squirming, yelps of pain, and post-coital cry session, there’s no real way to determine if she is, in fact, a virgin. According to an article I read in Ottowa’s Metro News:

“The most popular idea that an intact hymen is proof of her virginity is completely false, says Hanne Blank, American historian and author of Virgin: The Untouched History.

Hymens run the gamut, says Blank, from thick and resilient to thin and fragile, making them easy to break in a myriad of ways and therefore lousy indicators of whether a young woman has had intercourse yet. In fact, medical research isn’t really sure why women even have a hymen.”

Hymens running the gamut may be the most disturbing image of my life, made all the more scary that medical research DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM, but the fact remains that if you’re in the market for one, be prepared to pay up. Also, I’ve got a bridge to sell you. And it’s a real slut.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you! I've been saying for years that a hymen is not a valid marker of virginity. It can be broken doing gymastics, riding your bike, inserting a tampon, not to mention masturbating, etc. It can also remain intact even after you've had sex.

Other myths:
-first time has to hurt because the "hymen gets broken" - er, no, the hymen is a piece of skin. It hurts because little Jimmy hasn't mastered the fine art of foreplay.

I feel bad for the girl - not only does everyone now know that she's a virgin, she didn't even get any takers.

December 30, 2008 at 10:48:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

You must be a hit at parties.

December 30, 2008 at 11:10:00 AM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

I guess Daddy is okay with this because he wants to recoup some of the money he wasted paying for the implants, especially when the overall package still lacks so much (dare I say the biggest deficit being personality? Trust me, I can tell).

BTW -- I'm resolving to be kind in the New Year; you're so messing up my pre-resolution vibe.

December 30, 2008 at 11:59:00 AM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

Also, what's with the poster of the half-naked chick doing a toilet stand in the background?

December 30, 2008 at 12:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meg said...

Implants? As in...she paid for those? They look uneven to me. Seems like she'd make more in a medmal lawsuit that she would auctioning her "flower."

December 30, 2008 at 1:23:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome post. I'm still in shock that you read an OTTAWA newspaper.

You should bring Brooke and puppy and come visit sometimes. But not now, its too cold. Come in May. ;)


December 30, 2008 at 3:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

definitely not a hit at parties, but I might be a hit on my soap box?

December 30, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM EST  

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