Feeling pigeonholed by everyone’s expectations to merely receive news from around the globe, in 2008 CNN decided to branch out.
Their editors got together and said, “What else do people like besides the news?” The answer, of course, is drugs. And t-shirts. People love drugs and t-shirts. And being the stodgy company that they are, CNN decided to go with the shirts.
But wait! “How about,” the associate editor with a penchant for bragging of his proclivity for wordplay says, “- how about we put the headlines on the t-shirts. I mean, American Apparel doesn’t have any words on their shirts and they sell like hot cakes!”
And thus CNN Shirts was born. At first, CNN decided which particularly witty headlines went on the shirts, such as “Man refuses prostate exam; dies of embarrassment, cancer” or “Asian women seek white, groveling men.” But apparently the public demanded more control over their apparel’s slogans. CNN obliged by putting a little t-shirt icon next to several of their stories. Suddenly, you’re in the fashion driver’s seat: You choose the headline; you choose the color – YOU JUST MADE A T-SHIRT MY FRIEND.
File this under “Ideas that sounded good at the time,” because what the hell are you going to do with a t-shirt that says “Grieving mom gives sight to stranger”? Is that really a conversation starter? “Oh, I see you’re wearing a t-shirt about a women who presumably donated her dead child’s eyes to science. Tell me more.” In fact, I have decided to make it my mission for 2009 to bring an end to CNN Shirts. I don’t know how I’ll do it, trying to convince millions of people not to buy an preposterously lame product with what little money they have left in their savings, but dammit I’m up to the challenge.
* Get it? Statement?