(Editor’s note: A wise man once said that branding is everything. He also had no family, no friends, no one to love or hold him, and twice he bought expensive exotic birds to keep as pets, but both times they died of starvation because he was too busy branding things to feed them. So maybe it’s not everything, but I think it counts for something – hence the ridiculous post title. Basically, I want to make “
So, in case you haven’t heard,
And it’s not just the motorists, although most of the time they drive as though they are blind, and if only they could break 120mph, some miracle of science would allow them to see again. It’s nature, too. The other morning, while I was groggily taking Puppy for his morning walk, a huge frond fell from a palm tree and landed about ten feet from my head. I know what you’re thinking: Dan was afraid of getting hit by a leaf! Oh, maybe it would mess up his hair, or some dirt might brush off onto his nice polo shirt! Guess again. We’re talking about a branch as long as me (body height, not penis) falling from a distance of at least 100 feet (Note: I’m bad with distances). Judging by the loud thump this thing made when it hit the ground, I would guess that the amount of damage this frond could have inflicted ranges anywhere from “a lot” to “dead.”
Then, while walking Puppy the other day, I notice that he has ran ahead and is playing with (OK, kind of humping) a large round object in the sidewalk. It turns out to be a coconut. Am I the only one who didn’t think that coconuts were real? I mean, of course they’re real, but I thought they hailed strictly from deserted islands where non-white people shimmied up the trees using only their indigenous instincts and chopped them down with homemade machetes; not that they grew on residential Florida streets an then came crashing to the ground like a Three Stooges skit. And (once again using my acute judging skills) judging by the way Puppy was putting a fair amount of his weight right on that sucker and it was just rolling around like nothing at all, I would guess that if one of those fell out of a tree and hit you on the head, the amount of damage it could inflict ranges anywhere from “get a metal plate in your skull” to “dead.”
So not only do you have to be careful when you’re driving, but you have to be careful when you’re walking, too. And sometimes, even when you’re just standing, like I was the other night on the roof of the newly opened Gansevoort hotel. Everyone was drinking in beds (a practice that I thought was peculiar to me on rainy Sunday afternoons, but is apparently all the rage here), when suddenly there was a huge explosion. Being so accustomed to
Everyone was pleasantly surprised (who doesn’t love fireworks?) right up until they noticed where the fireworks were coming from – the beach. And not like way out near the water, but like right across the dune, 50 feet away from a residential apartment building (again, not so good with distances). The point being that if I had lived in that building and perhaps I had been in
Then, just because firing fireworks at a building isn’t quite dangerous enough, they decided maybe it would be better to shoot the fireworks off the building.
(I should also note that earlier in the night the fire department was called to manage the immense crowd of people trying to get in to the party. So just in case there was an emergency, all the local firemen would be manning the velvet ropes out front. I know that sounds like I’m ridiculing them because of the lack of safety involved, but really it was quite a funny sight – hence I have no problem with it.)
This was about the point where I started to get scared, wondering if maybe they were also planning on shooting fireworks from the roof we were on, you know for a real thrill. No such luck. Things got boring after that, and I’m pretty sure I only saw like one stabbing the entire night. If only there were some decent bagels involved.