Monday, March 2, 2009

The Bachelor Season Finale Live Blog

7:55 p.m. Dan: I should preface this whole post by saying that Brooke and I haven’t had a drink in three days. As an experiment, we decided to go on the wagon for a week. You know, to see if we feel stronger, healthier, more cognizant, less sexually adventurous, blah, blah, blah. So far all it has done is made us cranky. When we were making dinner, I asked Brooke what else she wanted on her salad and she said, “Vodka.”

8:00 p.m. Dan: Here we go with the requisite “45 minute recap of things you’ve already watched plus a 45 minute preview of things you will see soon.” For the record, my choice is Melissa. Brooke is for Gillian. She refuses to accept her dismissal.

8:01 p.m. Brooke: “Join us as Jason plans for the most important moment of his life." Apparently, picking a girlfriend on TV tops the birth of his son.

8:02 p.m. Brooke: They brought Ty to New Zealand. WTF? That's a long plane ride for me, and I'm a grown up – on qualuudes.
Dan: I’m putting it out there – Jason loves his son too much.

8:04 p.m. Dan: Why does everyone run into each other’s arms on this show? I like to picture an assistant producer standing off camera like, “Okay, get ready to run in 3, 2, 1 – go! Run to him!”

8:06 p.m. Dan: “Can we see who gets it in the hole first?” ZING?
Brooke: “Look at me! I'm good with kids! I talk in a happy voice! This is what I'm like all the time!" Melissa gives women a bad name. I will break her.

8:08 p.m. Brooke: Oh shit. A lamb. Now I'm really moved. Seriously, no sarcasm. I love lamb.
Dan: I’ll give Melissa this – she’s good with on-the-spot jokes.

8:12 p.m. Our friend Allison via IM: Are they having lamb for dinner?

8:14 p.m. Brooke: Ugh, again making a big deal about Jason never having met Melissa's family. Whatever. If I had kept Dan away from my family, we'd be married by now. Point: Melissa.
Dan: In what world is it more weird that a girl’s parents don’t want to go on television to vet the future husband she met on a reality TV show?

8:17 p.m. Dan: Whoa! Melissa gets the first DeAnna comparison, though oddly no one has yet pointed out that she’s DeAnna Light.

8:20 p.m. Brooke: One day, Jason will look like his dad. You heard it here first.

8:21 p.m. Dan: Melissa rocked that family visit. But it if were me, I would have sealed it with a handjob. Over the pants is fine. It’s the thought that counts.

8:28 p.m. Brooke: The best Molly ever looked was the morning after the sleepover when she wasn't covered in gobs of eye makeup.

8:29 Dan: Uh oh. It looks like Ty went autistic at the sight of Molly. Then he clearly tried to throw the frisbee in her face.

Brooke: Not weird for a kid at all. Here's another woman holding Daddy's hand. Totally unfair to go second.

8:31 p.m. Brooke: They make it as though having kids is all running on the beach and playing gold instead of changing diapers and listening to them cry.

Dan: And then growing up to hate you even though you worked so hard on a reality TV show to find them a mom.

8:37 Dan: Where is Ty during these family meetings? Off set with the interns? He’s going to start thinking Daddy’s getting him a new mom, plus a few aunts and uncles, and one grandpa who looks at him kind of funny.

8:39 Dan: Wait, Molly. NO ONE would be surprised that you met your husband by beating out 20 other women on a television show? Like, in your high school yearbook people wrote, “Good luck falling in love once reality TV takes really takes off!”

8:40 p.m. Brooke: Molly says to Dad and bro, "I already had my wild party time. Wild." Dad and bro: picturing her naked.

8:42 p.m. Dan: Jason’s sister is a poor woman’s Ari Gold’s wife.

8:43 p.m. Brooke: A career?! One of these girls mentions their career?! Give the girl a freakin' medal.

8:45 p.m. Brooke: HOLY SHIT. Is this happening? Did the mom just say Molly's career was a deterrent. What year is this?
Dan: 1950 – that’s the twist ending!

8:47 p.m. Dan: I think Molly puts out more than Melissa.

8:48: OMG. They just show Jason and Melissa in bed together naked! What year is this?

Dan: I stand corrected.

8:51 p.m. Brooke: It's the Bachelor: The Messy Ponytail Edition. Girls, try another hair style.

8:52 p.m. Brooke: What you don't know during Melissa's call with her mom – no one's on the other end.

8:53 p.m. Dan: Brooke always says that she doesn’t want to have girl babies. I think this show is why.

8:57 p.m. Dan: I’m convinced Melissa used to be fat.
Our friend Allison via IM: Melissa didn't used to be fat, but Molly will be.

8:59 p.m. Dan: “Melissa, I’ve never felt this way (under breath) since yesterday with Molly.”

9:00 p.m. Brooke: They weren't naked in the coming attractions. Melissa was just wearing a tube top. Much more embarrassing.
Dan: Though Molly seems ready to give “110%” of herself to him. That apparently means sex with oil.

9:04 p.m. Dan: Those rainy season travel discounts really backfired.

9:06 p.m. Dan: So. Many. Crotch shots.

9:08 p.m. Dan: Brooke has taken a break for snacks. Meanwhile, Molly is like the perfect amount of whore. She’s a tough competitor.

9:09 p.m. Brooke: Vomit. Did she really make him a fairy tale book. I am embarrassed for her. Is she going to sign his yearbook, too?

(equally embarrassed for her)

9:16 p.m. Dan: They need to make a show out of Jason and the winner watching the finale together where he repeatedly says, “I’m in love with two women.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he was rubbing genitals with both of them right up to the proposal.

9:18 p.m. Dan: Jason to Melissa, “What are you doing in New Zealand?” Like it’s a huge coincidence?

9:20 p.m. Dan: DeAnna still has the signature head bob while talking. The extra 15 pounds are new, though.
Brooke: Who dressed DeAnna? Ann Taylor.
Dan: How long before DeAnna does an STD med commercial. Two months?

9:21 p.m. Brooke: Wow. An honest moment. Jason looks really stunned that Deanna wants to be with him. I didn't see this coming. I wonder how much the producers paid her.

9:24 p.m. Brooke: Armpit hair commercial! Armpit hair commercial! I feel like I'm the only one seeing this.

9:28 p.m. Brooke: Thank goodness they are showing the montages of Melissa and Molly. I had forgot all about them.

9.30 p.m. Dan: “What ring represents them?” Fantastic. Buying a ring that works for both girls is just solid game planning.

9:31 p.m. Dan: “Molly is like oxygen.” Oxygen is tough to beat.

9:33 p.m. Brooke: Just a thought, if you're not sure which woman you want to propose to, perhaps you're not ready to get married.

9:34 p.m. Dan: Rumor has it that all the good shit goes down after 10:00 p.m. on “After the Rose.” Rumor also has it that I am losing masculinity by the second!

9:35 p.m. Brooke: Why are they both dressed for prom?
Dan: And Melissa suddenly looks Latina.

9:38 p.m. Dan: My official bet is in – it’s Melissa. Brooke refuses to make a bet because “they’re trying to trick us!” Brooke hates being tricked.

9:40 p.m. Brooke: It's happening! It's happening!
Our friend Allison via IM: Whose limo will arrive first!?!?!?!? Who is in that car!??! . . . Molly!!!
Dan: It’s never the first one!

9:42 p.m. Brooke: I take it back. I want Molly! Molly. (I always root for the underdog.)
Dan: She’s got “those eyes,” which are apparently stronger than real eyes.

9:43 p.m. Brooke: He's such a weakling. Man up, Jason.
Dan: Listen Molly, you oiled him up. You did all you could. Bow out gracefully.

9:45 p.m. Dan: That is a really long, awkward walk to the car. I would have been like, “It’s right over there. (Pointing.) The black one.”

9:47 p.m. Brooke: Seriously, wuss boy, crying! You're on TV.
9:47:30 p.m. Brooke: Oh, he's actually making crying sounds too. Pathetic.

9:48 p.m. Dan: OK, Molly’s claims that Jason is going to learn the hard way that he made a mistake are borderline threats. Hmm, I do like a girl with spunk . . .

9:50 p.m. Brooke: Something dramatic better happen. This is not "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever."

9:57 p.m. Dan: Chris Harrison, nice poker face on the walk over to Jason.

9:59 p.m. Dan: This is exactly how I want my proposal to go. Exactly. Right down to the part where I offer her a rose at the end, just to remind her that this whole thing was a game.

10:03 p.m. Brooke: "All of America just watched Jason propose?" I hope some people are watching C-SPAN.
Dan: Just a nice, intimate affair. No one in the audience; 20 million viewers at home.

10:04 p.m. Brooke: He's going to cry again!

10:05 p.m. Dan: Wait, is he going to break up with Melissa on national television? Like on Jerry Springer?


10:06 p.m. Dan: This is almost too sad to live blog. Almost.

10.08 p.m. Brooke: I have a thing for Chris Harrison.

10:09 p.m. Dan: Shit, fan. Fan, shit.

10:15 p.m. Brooke: In front of Chris?! He's going to do it with Chris sitting right there?
Dan: Chris is nothing if not professional.

10:16 p.m. Dan: All they’re doing is setting up Melissa to be the ultimate Bachelorette. And she’s gonna hand out bang cards left and right. And they’re gonna have Jason’s picture on them. And he’ll be being humped by a mule.

10:19 p.m. Brooke: She just called him a bastard under her breath. Finally, some fight out of Melissa. This chick is growing on me.

10:20 p.m. Dan: Chris Harrison: “Emotions are running hot. Let’s take a break for a word from our sponsors.”

10:22 p.m. Dan: The set is like the most awkward place for a break-up ever. And I once broke up with a girl in Taco Bell.

10:24 p.m. Dan: Rumor has it that this was a set up. (No kidding.) Jason wanted Molly from day one, but producers made him pick Melissa and then break up with her. She was just a pawn in their ratings game. Somebody get Obama on the phone, because that’s some shady shit.

10:25 p.m. Brooke: I can't believe he just did that to her. It was actually cruel. He could have at least called her the day before, given her a heads up.

10:28 p.m. Dan: To Melissa’s credit, she handled that really well. I’ve dated girls who would have set me on fire with one of those candles if I pulled a stunt like that.

10:29 p.m. Dan: Hug him, Chris. You know you want to.

10:35 p.m. Brooke: Finally! She's wearing her hair down. She must seen how junky that side ponytail looked.
Dan: Yeah nice headband, home wrecker.

10:40 p.m. Brooke: I think she already knows. She's saying EXACTLY what you would say if you knew. "He's an incredible guy." "I hope every day he’ll change his mind." And, keeping it classy: "Melissa is an amazing girl."

10:43 p.m. Dan: They really dropped the ball on this one. Who is actually happy for Jason and Molly that they ended up together? It’s like being happy for Keyser Soze.
Brooke: It's not about people being happy for them. It's about ratings.
Dan: It’s about love, damnit, and they’re toying with it. (I’ve gone full gay.)

10:46 p.m. Dan: Ugh, Molly and Jason are reuniting now. I hope she tells him she gave him HIV.

10:47 p.m. Brooke: I mean, wouldn't she ask why there was no audience? She totally knows.

10:51 p.m. Dan: This is going to make it really complicated when people at cocktail parties ask “How’d you meet?”

10:58 p.m. Brooke: Ugh. They kiss. C'mon.
Dan: Melissa’s butt spot on the couch is still warm!
Brooke: Ugh. Tongue.

11:00 p.m. Dan: But I will hand it to them. It was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.


Blogger Rock It said...

ok live blogging makes this show 100% better...especially Brooke's comments.

March 2, 2009 at 8:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Susan said...

wait, I'm not watching and you stopped posting... WHAT IS GOING ON???

March 2, 2009 at 9:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger LaurenGarbooty said...

You two are so hilarious- thank you for the great laughs!

March 2, 2009 at 11:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of you is fucking gay.

March 3, 2009 at 5:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger sid said...

i have never watched the bachelor but now I really want to. your combined comments were hilarious.

March 3, 2009 at 7:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jadeny said...

The armpit commercial is absolutely one of my all time favorite commercials.

March 3, 2009 at 10:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger jessica mae said...

will you two adopt me please?

March 3, 2009 at 12:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

I found that a little tough to follow because I hate reality tv and have no idea who any of the people are - other than Dan and Brooke. PS. LOL - "Vodka".

Could you clarify a few things?
Why were they in New Zealand?
I read something about the show when the it started because some local girl was going to be on and she has a kid too. The article implied that she was a shoe in.

Don't all of these couples break up within 6 months anyway?

March 3, 2009 at 1:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger Liz said...

What I want to know is what on Earth is left to discuss on "After the Rose: Hour 2."

March 3, 2009 at 2:31:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some blog broke this whole thing was a set up from the start. Basically when they ran the promo for the season the girl he picked was wearing an aqua blue dress with a gold pinky ring (Melissa). Although While watching the final episode she's not wearing the dress - which begs the question was the ending re-taped?? Odd......... I liked Jason, but I do feel this whole season was a shame.

March 3, 2009 at 5:29:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a shame and a sham

March 3, 2009 at 5:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger Prosy said...

ok- I've never watched an episode of the Bachelor. But your play by play has almost converted me. Or more likely, I would just like to read your synopsis of every show.
I DID used to watch Joe Millionare when it was the first season and they had that goofy construction worker? Shows like these are only entertaining if you have people with you to hear your mocking comments

March 3, 2009 at 6:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Prosy said...

I'm not sure why a question mark was necessary in my last comment, but I'm going to chalk it up to artistic license.

March 3, 2009 at 6:28:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

come back for Hour 2. Come back

March 3, 2009 at 9:44:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was a sad, sad, attempt at regaining some masculinity by throwing out a usual suspects reference. if i ever see another of those sandwiched between a discussion of the bachelor, i probably will actually shoot myself. also, i'm happy for soze. if you're that brilliant of a criminal mastermind, you deserve to get away with it. long live the keiser, and of course kobayashi

March 4, 2009 at 1:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I left a comment on your last blog saying that I respected this Bachelor more than previous ones.

I take that all back.

He HAD to have gotten a pay day to break up with that poor girl on television. Totally uncalled for.

American civilization is going down, just like Ancient Rome. If a show comes out with men fighting lions in gladitorial combat, I'm honkering down in my bunker.

March 4, 2009 at 12:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Faith said...

My husband (who was forced to watch the whole thing on the couch with me, of course...there aren't two other t.v.'s and a shitton of books in the house, or anything) said the same thing about the After the Final Rose crap being like watching an episode of Jerry Springer. I was all, "Ooh yeah! She should totally throw a chair at him!" That woulda been awesome.

I loved how she told him not to text her or email her or anything after that, and then the news just came out today about the emails she sent to him after that taping. Way to stick to it, Melissa!

March 4, 2009 at 1:52:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i dont watch the bachelor (unless i'm on the treadmill --> i dont have a tv..) but i read your commentary this morning because for some stupid reason i read everything you write on here.. anyway this google artice caught my attention:
and while i didn't read the article, i read some comments, one of which (the first one!) was brooke's:

CommentsAdd Your Comments
brooke Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 08:12 PM EST

YES!!!! I think she needs to get out there and find her TRUE LOVE.

is this your Brooke, Dan?


March 4, 2009 at 8:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger Taryn said...

live blogging is awesome. you guys are great!

March 6, 2009 at 12:33:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Picking up Women said...

The article implied that she was a shoe in.

April 5, 2011 at 10:47:00 AM EDT  

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