Friday, March 6, 2009

Melissa Rycroft Isn’t On Facebook*

Don’t ask me why I Facebooked Melissa Rycroft from The Bachelor (unless you want to hear some half-baked excuse about how she owes me $20 from an underground Texas Hold ‘Em game, and not the real reason which is that I need her to know that MY HEART IS WITH HER), but I had a spare second in between my morning yoga and my lunchtime Van Damme motivational movie clip time, so I did. And low and behold, there she was:

Of course I added her as a friend, because I’ve watched her so much on TV why wouldn’t we be friends? I know she had a breast reduction for Christ’s sake. That’s the kind of shit you only share with close friends (and America).

So I sent her a friend request with the note:

Sorry about Jason. NOT. Dude’s a loser. I would have signed up for The Bachelorette if it was you. I mean, Gillian’s cool, but “again” doesn’t rhyme with “rain” you know?

Clearly she was digging my vibe, because she friended me ASAP. But when I started looking over her profile, it seemed suspicious. First, there’s this note in the sidebar:

That’s SO not Melissa! Then there’s her photos section:

That it? Just those three pictures? No candids from the show? No funny high school photos? No Ty?

What sealed it though was the e-mail attached to the account: I’m sure Melissa likes processed cheese snacks just as much as the next Texas cheerleader (she’s crazy like that!), but enough to make it her e-mail address? I just don’t buy it.

Luckily, though, lots of people do. And they went out of their way to show their support to Melissa by posting on her wall. These are a few of the best messages, if by best you mean crazy.

You can just tell that Jorge is an animal in the sack.

Yes, God and ABC network put you through this voluntary participation reality show to make you stronger. It’s like the time He made me sleep with those two Russians so I would learn that love has no boundaries.

Classic neg right there. Someone’s been watching The Pick Up Artist.

”. . . an insignificant flea who’s gone like a bad dream” is the douchebag.

Q: What’s the one thing you don’t want to bring up when talking to a girl for the first time?
Second A: Setting her on fire.


”The?” That’s the correction you want to make to that sentence?

”but not real family. Like family you can doink. Like those fake aunts who are really just friends of your parents.”

”Who the hello” is an instant classic. I can’t wait for someone to piss me off so I can scream in their face, “Who the hello do you think you are!”

I believe Michael Scott said it best . . .

Yes. That’s exactly the right plan. Don’t fall in love and marry someone else. Wait fourteen years until Ty is legal, and then seduce him, get him to propose to you (preferably on a reality TV show), and exact your final revenge on Jason.

* I promise this will be my last mention of The Bachelor. Unless I spot one of them in person and then I’ll write 1,500 words on how seeing them makes me a better person. Or until the new season starts. Basically, The Bachelor will be the end of this blog.


Anonymous Meg said...

Weird coincidence -- Ty is also her new (adult) boyfriend's name.

March 6, 2009 at 3:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

That's perfect. The real Ty will never see it coming!

March 6, 2009 at 4:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Camels & Chocolate said...

Hahaha, I actually had a weird dream about Jason proposing to ME last night (even though I've thought he was a total douchebag from the DAHHHna days and I don't find him the least bit attractive). Just a sign I've been watching far too much Bachelor crack (and reading blog recaps, interviews, seeing them on Kimmel and Ellen, etc.) this week.

Dear Dan, Can you teach me how to get my life back? Thx, Kristin

March 6, 2009 at 5:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you like this kind of garbage, you should watch the train wreck that is Rock Of Love.

March 6, 2009 at 5:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger fort knocks said...

Did you know the letters in "Pamela Garner" can be rearranged to spell "Large Man Rape?" Coincidence? I think not.

March 6, 2009 at 5:21:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totally stealing "Who the Hello". It will be my new catch phrase.

March 6, 2009 at 8:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Gabby said...

Aw, I'm bummed. Friending the fake Melissa was going to be my activity for when I came home from the bar later tonight!


March 7, 2009 at 1:07:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Fiona said...

And here I was, thinking I was special because you facebooked me...

Also, that was hilarious.

March 7, 2009 at 9:49:00 AM EST  
Blogger Eric said...

Although you only wrote about 40 words, this is one of your finest posts ever. I am impressed by the efficiency.

March 8, 2009 at 5:59:00 PM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Dan, you could write about chocolate-covered dog shit and people would still love it.

Especially if it was Puppy's chocolate-covered dog shit...

...and you posted pictures.

March 9, 2009 at 11:27:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Kelly said...

BOOM, roasted

March 9, 2009 at 11:39:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Adam P said...

Bravo Humphries... Bravo.

March 9, 2009 at 4:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Erik said...

that blows that she accepted your friendship. i tried adding her twice and she rejected me both times. I even tried to goad her with statements like "Erik is not a freak" and "Erik thinks Jason is a dick." It didn't work.
Good thing she's fake.

March 9, 2009 at 8:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger kate said...

Thoughts on Melissa as the new cast member of Dancing With The Stars?

March 9, 2009 at 9:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Under-Employed Girl said...

Does this mean you will or won't be live blogging Dancing with the Stars?

March 16, 2009 at 4:49:00 PM EDT  

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