A couple of things before getting to part two:
• I forgot one instance of being pulled over, probably because I blocked it from my memory due to all the emotional trauma. (The subconscious is clever like that.)
It was the summer of 2002 and I drove up to
After that, he took me into the front seat of his patrol car and closed the doors. I sat there for a few minutes staring straight ahead while he wrote something down in a pad.
Officer: “So you’re from
Officer: “What are you doing in
Me: “Meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time.”
Officer: (long, low whistle) “They’re not going to like this story, are they.”
Officer: “I remember the first time I met me wife’s parents. They hated me. All her daddy wanted to do was drink beer and watch sports, but I was a hunter. I liked the wilderness. So I married her anyway.”
Me: (internally) If he gives me a five-minute head start, I think I can lose him in the woods. The girl will slow me down; I’ll have to leave her behind, which is a shame because things were going so well.
Officer: “Are you going to speed in
Officer: “Okay. Go on now.”
He didn’t even give me a ticket, and to this day my ex still believes that I performed a sex act on him in that car. All in all, it was an experience almost as traumatic as . . .
• . . . getting my
Woman: “May I help you?”
Guy: (plops briefcase down on counter) “John C. Smith! I have an appointment!”
Woman: “What can I d-”
Guy: “I’m a movie producer from
Woman: “Are you renewing a license?”
Guy: “No, I live on
Woman: “So you need a new license?
Here it’s important to note that
The douchery went on for a solid fifteen minutes as he made a big scene out of not having all the documents he needed to obtain a license, though this didn’t stop him from pulling cards out of his wallet saying, “Can I use my bank card from Fisher Island? Or my American Express? Or my access card to the club at
Your fucking access card to the club?! What are you backing it up with, your membership certificate from The Cabbage Patch Kid adoption agency?
Needless to say, I hated this guy. I hated him so much that I came home and immediately tried to find him online. I searched through all the movies currently being filmed in Miami. There’s only three: Immigration Tango, The Bait, and D4.
Immigration Tango doesn’t even have an IMDb page and The Bait is produced by a guy named Dariusz Zawiślak – clearly not out d-bag. Then there’s D4, which I can’t find out much about except that it doesn’t stand for The Mighty Ducks 4 (sadly). If anyone has an IMDb Pro account, let me know so I can stalk this guy further. Everyone needs a mission in life, and now that Obama seems to have
In the meantime, the woman helping him at the DMV got started with a burn of her own.
Guy: “Fine, I’ll make another appointment and come back next Wednesday.”
Woman: “I’ll remember you.”