Sometimes when Brooke and I are out drunk somewhere, we make lists. We like to think that, like crossword puzzles, it’s good exercise for the brain, ensuring that as we grow old together we won’t become demented, and therefore unlikable.
This is a list from many months ago that Brooke found last night while going through the notes on her iPhone. It goes back many years to an argument my friend Scott once made that it is impossible for a man to look cool while counting out exact change to pay for something. From the deep reach into your pocket to the way you sift the coins around in your palm with one finger before finally handing the cashier 17 cents pressed daintily between your thumb and forefinger. It’s a physical impossibility to look cool doing it.
And it got us to thinking: Who’s the coolest man we know (George Clooney, of course), and what else can’t he do without looking stupid?
• Sit in the back seat of a friend’s car.
• Eat a muffin.
• Q-tip ears.
• Apply chapstick.
• Try to put sunblock on his own back.
• Scoop ice cream.
• Hold a purse.
• Wait in line.
• Walk barefoot through airport security.
• Button fly jeans.
• Eat hot soup.
• Fill out a large Chinese take-out order form.
• Order tea.
• Drink a frozen umbrella drink.
• Get change from a cabby.
• Jump over a puddle.
* I’m not sure which one of us said this one, but I’m fairly positive it was Brooke.