Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A List of Things Even George Clooney Wouldn’t Look Cool Doing

Sometimes when Brooke and I are out drunk somewhere, we make lists. We like to think that, like crossword puzzles, it’s good exercise for the brain, ensuring that as we grow old together we won’t become demented, and therefore unlikable.

This is a list from many months ago that Brooke found last night while going through the notes on her iPhone. It goes back many years to an argument my friend Scott once made that it is impossible for a man to look cool while counting out exact change to pay for something. From the deep reach into your pocket to the way you sift the coins around in your palm with one finger before finally handing the cashier 17 cents pressed daintily between your thumb and forefinger. It’s a physical impossibility to look cool doing it.

And it got us to thinking: Who’s the coolest man we know (George Clooney, of course), and what else can’t he do without looking stupid?

• Sit in the back seat of a friend’s car.
• Eat a muffin.
• Hiccup.
• Q-tip ears.
• Bowflex.
Apply chapstick.
• Try to put sunblock on his own back.
• Scoop ice cream.
• Hold a purse.
• Wait in line.
• Trip.
• Walk barefoot through airport security.
• Button fly jeans.
• Eat hot soup.
• Fill out a large Chinese take-out order form.
• Herpes.*
• Order tea.
• Drink a frozen umbrella drink.
• Get change from a cabby.
• Jump over a puddle.

* I’m not sure which one of us said this one, but I’m fairly positive it was Brooke.


Blogger Tom said...

I disagree with the following items:
• Q-tip ears.
• Scoop ice cream.
• Hold a purse.
• Wait in line.
• Order tea.
• Drink a frozen umbrella drink.
• Jump over a puddle.

I'm going point-by-point: Intolerable Cruelty proved George can look cool while grooming. Scooping ice cream is all about forearms...are you saying George Clooney has uncool forearms? George Clooney is so cool I bet he could look cool holding a purse while waiting in line. Nonchalant-like.

Obviously ordering tea or consuming frozen beverages is about atmosphere. In the proper setting either of these things is cool, and if you want them to be uncool I suggest you specify where, exactly he'd be sucking down that daquiri.

Finally, this is cool.

April 7, 2009 at 2:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Victoria said...

I think he could look cool waiting in line. Imagine the following:

- dapper, well-tailored suit
- perfectly folded newspaper
- hand in trouser pocket
- weight on one foot

is it possible for an imaginary george clooney to look sexy while standing in line? because that is what is happening in my head right now.

April 7, 2009 at 2:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Tom said...

That's exactly the image I had for waiting in line. Replace the paper with a purse (something like a patent leather portfolio) and bam. Cool holding a purse.

Is your dapper well-tailored suit light-gray?

April 7, 2009 at 3:10:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Baking With Plath said...

"Drink through a straw" should be added to this list

April 7, 2009 at 3:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dare say that buying tampons and/or hemorrhoid cream could be added to the list.

April 7, 2009 at 5:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

Brooke makes the following clarification: "Sure, you can look cool if you're standing in a short line at the bank, holding a newspaper, ready to rob the place. But what about waiting for half an hour at the DMV on your lunch break? Not so easy."

(Apparently sticking up banks is very cool.)

April 7, 2009 at 5:36:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely agree with "apply chapstick". Why is it that men always look so goofy when they do this? Women have no issues with it, but men seem to get this weird look of determination in their eyes. And they drag it out for way too long.

I also agree with "walk barefoot through airport security", because seriously everyone looks like a chode doing this.

April 7, 2009 at 5:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

I don't typically go around declaring my love for strangers, but I think I love you. Both. It's been building for a while; the fact that you make lists like this solidifies it.

Also, writing in cursive backwards ... that's good for warding off dementia too.

April 7, 2009 at 9:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take off George Clooney's shirt in all of those scenarios and I guarantee he could pull off cool.

Or at the very least people would be so distracted by his rippling abs that no one would notice how uncool he looks.

April 7, 2009 at 10:04:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Listen, I've seen a reflection of myself scooping ice cream and I almost wanted to jump me.

April 8, 2009 at 9:17:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Molly said...

i'd like to add "running while wearing a backpack" to the list.

April 8, 2009 at 10:28:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Running while wearing a backpack is a really good one. Nice, Molly.

April 8, 2009 at 11:54:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Milk And Honey said...

Men applying chapstick: "but men seem to get this weird look of determination in their eyes."

You do that, Dan! "Determination" is the perfect word. Or sort of like the sun is in your eyes.

April 9, 2009 at 2:54:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Valkyrie said...

How about this:

*Sip from a floral-patterned china teacup with one's pinkie finger fully extended, holding the saucer carefully beneath with the other hand.

Bonus points if that pinkie finger is also fully extended.

April 10, 2009 at 12:53:00 AM EDT  
Blogger LiLu said...

I dunno. I just pictured Clooney doing every one of those things and each time, my loins still wanted to pounce.

I put a condom on him for herpes, though.

April 10, 2009 at 10:13:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous syd said...

i disagree with the puddle jumping one. have you ever seen singin' in the rain?! majorly old school cool and totes adorbs.

btw...its funny that brooke called you fat for speaking during gossip girl.

April 18, 2009 at 1:20:00 PM EDT  

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