Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I’m Too Smart to Think of That: Gratuity Beads

This is a new segment on my blog where I highlight someone else’s money making idea and instead of pondering the age old question (Why didn’t I think of that?), I spew unwarranted jealousy and bitterness.

Are awesome things happening to you every day, but instead of giving thanks you just take it for granted? Well guess what: You’re going to die.

According to a recent nonscientific study done by someone who wants you to buy their product, being ungrateful can lessen your quality of life by up to 25 percent.

Think about that. Let’s say you’re awesome. You let the dogs out every day, metaphorically speaking. Your quality of life is 100 percent. But then your real dog, the one you don’t actually have to let out because it’s smart enough to use the doggie door, dies after you accidentally close its head in your car door. Your quality of life goes own 10 percent.

And it turns out your local barista witnessed the whole thing, and in her police report she claims you “intentionally shut the door on the dog’s face.” While the police are filing their report, a local news crew happens by and begins filming a segment which makes it onto the 7:00 news. Suddenly your front lawn is overflowing with PETA supporters carrying signs like DOGS HAVE HEADS, TOO. Your quality of life plummets another 15 percent.”gratuity

The next morning you are called into your boss’s office and fired for all the bad publicity you’ve brought upon the company. That’s minus 30 percent quality of life. Obviously your girlfriend leaves you too, because you have no job, there are PETA protestors living on your lawn, and it was actually her dog you whose head you closed in the car door. There goes another 20 percent.

Add it all up, and your quality of life is down a whopping 75 percent.

So there you are, clinging to a 25 percent quality of life. The only problem is, you’ve never been a appreciative person. You’ve never given thanks. If only you had purchased Gratuity Beads 101. For only $23.99 ($28.43 plus tax and shipping), you could have received a string of 101 glass beads which you could us to count all 100 of your daily blessings (plus “the extra 101st bead to be thankful for the beads themselves”), thus preserving the final 25 percent of your quality of life. But instead, because you never bought the beads, you are a worthless husk of human.

BUT WAIT. It’s not too late. You can still begin to recoup your losses if only you can work past your smug, ungrateful self-centeredness and simply purchase Gratuity Beads 101. In just seven easy steps and one easy payment of $28.43 (velvet carrying pouch included!), Gratuity Beads 101 will unlock the secrets of how to think it’s really great that your turkey sandwich was very delicious and that iced tea is so refreshing on a warm spring day. It won’t be easy, but at this price can you afford not to be thankful you don’t have cancer?

BONUS: They also make for a stylish necklace.

11 Comments:

Blogger Scott said...

1) I'm grateful that that guy has a fat wife.

May 13, 2009 at 2:26:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

Why, oh WHY do anal beads spring to mind? For that I am not grateful...

May 13, 2009 at 3:36:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the first thing I thought too ... anal beads. How can you not?

May 13, 2009 at 4:21:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous heidikins said...

That reminds me of hooker shoes, the tacky, sparkly, clear ones. Only this is a hooker rosary.

AwesomeSauce.

xox

May 13, 2009 at 4:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Phatchik said...

I love how they start off by giving detailed instructions: "plam side up, blah, blah, blah" and by, like, number 4 they're all, "there is no right or wrong way to use the beads."

May 13, 2009 at 5:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger miss. chief said...

WOW i need to increase my quality of life with those beads NOW
$30 is a steal of a deal

May 13, 2009 at 5:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger señor macho solo said...

I'm thankful that it only took 72 of the 101 to give me an ass-gasm.

May 13, 2009 at 5:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jillian said...

I don't like that for a minute I thought you had accidently shut Puppy's head in the car door and were trying to back into breaking the news the news to Puppy lovers.

May 13, 2009 at 10:03:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although to be fair to the people at the bead factory, they do mention at step 7 that results may vary from person to person. So you may end up only improving your quality of life by 5 or 6 per cent.

May 14, 2009 at 12:45:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

I love that they added instructions on how to use the beads. Obviously anyone who is willing to fork over cash for these beads require instructions on how to use them.

May 14, 2009 at 2:01:00 AM EDT  
Blogger ~E said...

agreeing with Heidi...That reminds me of hooker shoes, the tacky, sparkly, clear ones. Only this is a hooker rosary

I'd like to meet the people who buy this stuff and then promptly kick them in the shins.

May 14, 2009 at 3:46:00 AM EDT  

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