Monday, June 22, 2009

1001 Things I Hate: No. 1

Let’s be honest, Dan doesn’t always write as much as we’d all like him to. And despite my constant love and support (“Make me laugh, Monkey Boy!”), sometimes his creativity is tapped. But it’s not because he doesn’t love this blog. I mean, sometimes you love something, but it’s there every day, so you don’t appreciate it. You stop bringing it flowers. And it’s not the blog’s fault. Like, whatever if the blog doesn’t get dressed up anymore. Who cares if the blog has worn the same pajamas for three days and hasn’t washed its hair? It’s still the same blog. And more importantly, beneath those skanky pajamas are awesome tits. So don’t neglect the blog, Dan.

Anyhow, to supplement Dan’s posts, I’m starting my own column. It’s called 1001 Things I Hate and it’s about stuff I hate.* 1001 things? Well, yeah. I hate 1000 and 1 things and I have a list. (Totally separate from my Blacklist™, which is people I hate.) And now, #1:

Men Who Tell Me To Smile

Don’t do this. Don’t tell women to smile. No woman has ever said to another woman, “Smile!” But yet, countless times, I’ve been told by a man, “Smile!” or worse, “What’s the matter, Sweetie? Smile!” What gives you the right? I’m not a puppy. I know it might make you uncomfortable, Dude on the Elevator. You walked on, saw a chick, made a paltry attempt at flirting, and I didn’t respond. This is so disconcerting. Listen, I’m sorry to disrupt your projected feminine ideals, your stifled two-dimensional characterization. But why do you assume my lack of smile means something is wrong? Do you walk around all day smiling like a fulfilled Playmate? Maybe I’m thinking about war, or scotch, or sex. Maybe I’m thinking about work. Maybe I work. I know this is all too much. And I should just smile. But I won’t because I hate you, Dude on the Elevator. You are on my Blacklist™.

Thing I Love: The smell of coconut.

* Conversation when I sent this post to Dan:

Dan: “Um . . . ok, I’m just not sure I get it.”
Brooke: “What do you mean?”
Dan: “Well, it’s just that . . . I’m not so sure I get the joke.”
Brooke: “There’s no joke.”
Dan: . . .
Brooke: “It’s called 1001 Things I Hate. Not 1001 Things That Humorously Irritate Me.
Dan: “Aren’t you worried it sounds a little, er, angry?”
Brooke: “I am angry.”
Dan: “Oh.”


Blogger [mother] said...

Oh my goodness, Brooke! You have made me laugh out loud on what has so far been a shitty day.

I love you.

June 22, 2009 at 3:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

I love it and can't wait to read all the other things you hate.

June 22, 2009 at 3:38:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous London said...

Put a ring on this girl's finger already. She's cute, funny and your mom loves her. What are you waiting for?

June 22, 2009 at 3:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger red said...

Men who tell me to smile make me want to punch them in the throat. Well done.

June 22, 2009 at 4:18:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Jillian said...

UGH good way to start. I hate when guys follow up with "things can't be that bad". How the effe would you know? Maybe things are that bad or maybe things aren't so good i'm going to walk around with a shit eating grin on my face.

Things I love, walking around with a shit eating grin on my face because I thought of something stupid I did.

June 22, 2009 at 4:36:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Some Girl said...

Dude, I HATE that.

I move that all women start immediately punching men in the throat when they tell a female to "smile." Then, when they're staggering around and gasping for air, you can smile politely and thank them for the suggestion!

I'm angry, too.:)

June 22, 2009 at 4:54:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan: “Aren’t you worried it sounds a little, er, angry?”
Brooke: “I am angry.”
Dan: “Oh....Well, maybe if you smiled, you'd feel better?!!"

(gurgling sound as fist connects with, well, throat...)

Canadian Queen

June 22, 2009 at 5:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Law Girl said...

Brooke, I could not agree more. This is a fabulous idea. I cannot wait for the next 1000 things.

June 22, 2009 at 6:01:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Scottsdale Girl said...

Wait do ALL blogs have great tits? Or just Dan's? Because I totally can't have my blog twatswatting* me - it just won't do.

*like cockblocking

June 22, 2009 at 6:36:00 PM EDT  
Blogger ellabella said...

ugggh. i completely agree with you, except that at my job, my female coworkers are always telling me to smile. what's more, i work at a GROCERY STORE so it's not like i'm angling for tips or anything.

"honey you have such a pretty smile, why don't you use it?" is only topped by, "honey you have such a pretty smile, why don't you use it...because you're scaring people away from your register right now."

June 22, 2009 at 7:46:00 PM EDT  
Blogger miss. chief said...

grr i hate that so much! awesome post!!

June 22, 2009 at 9:26:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous MIPinz said...

I understand why war makes you not smile. I understand why sex with Dan makes you not smile. But Scotch? Really? Scotch warrants smiles. Scotch manufactures smiles. So let's be responsible with our hate, mmmmkay?

June 22, 2009 at 10:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Brooke said...

I take my Scotch very seriously.

June 22, 2009 at 10:19:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, my name is (witheld to protect, well, me) and I tell women to smile. OK, not really. Too big a coward to make a move, but I sometimes think it. This explains why women seem to be thinking of punching me in the throat. Please keep educating me.

June 22, 2009 at 10:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger May-B said...

Awesome. And so totally true. Good to see you writing, Brooke. You do rock.

June 22, 2009 at 11:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

Ugh I absolutely frigging hate it when men tell me to smile. Hello fucktard I'm not wasting face elasticity on a guy who doesn't actually say something funny.

June 23, 2009 at 3:04:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous headbang8 said...


Are you sure you're not just Dan in drag? That comment about the skanky pajamas and awesome tits sounds an awful lot like a guy.

Not that it matters or anything.

June 23, 2009 at 5:06:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Ursula Steinberg said...

Brooke, you're funny. Keep writing.

June 23, 2009 at 6:05:00 AM EDT  
Blogger burke said...

So, will the other 1000 things each lead to another name on your Blacklist™? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

You're one funny chick, Brooke. Even when you're angry.

June 23, 2009 at 11:28:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I realized that my father-in-law was a ginormous cockass the morning that he told me to "Smile! It can't be THAT bad!" on the day he knew I was going to pick up my father's ashes at the mortuary.

Yeah, he's that big a sack of douche.

June 23, 2009 at 12:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I used to be a Miller Lite girl and people would tell me to smile all the time. I in return would tell them to go fuck themselves. I was great at my job.

June 23, 2009 at 1:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if the "Smile" guy smelled like coconut? What would happen then?

June 23, 2009 at 1:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

That was awesome, and I truly think it deserves the number 1 slot on the list. Based on the comments from women, it's pretty obvious that it's pervasive. Knock it the fuck off fellas! And rock on Brooke!

June 23, 2009 at 1:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

Brooke, word. I hate being told to smile too. I think it makes men feel better about themselves if they see you look at them and then smile. Because then they can think you think they're hot. And then they imagine you screwing them in the elevator. Which makes them smile. So if we don't smile, they don't get their fantasy.

June 23, 2009 at 2:49:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous megan said...

I hate this too! And its not funny..its serious. I seriously hate it when people tell me to smile. Am I supposed to go around forcing a smile on my face all day? My face doesn't naturally make a smiley face. My face would hurt at the end of day and I would look like an idiot all day long. I could go on and on about this.

June 24, 2009 at 11:15:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys actually do that?

Seems kind of weird.

Does "Pout a little and mess up your hair" also enrage women?

June 24, 2009 at 2:26:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Brooke said...

Actually, no, Peter. That'd be hot.

June 24, 2009 at 3:32:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Allison Hatfield said...

I agree with Julie. The appropriate response is "Fuck You." "Go Fuck Yourself" would also be appropriate. Either said with a smile, of course. Maybe I should have been a Miller Lite girl.

June 28, 2009 at 5:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Katie said...

This pisses me off, big time, and it's ALWAYS guys that say it. WTF? I am super duper glad you're writing here - it made me smile. TA DA.

July 6, 2009 at 10:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

THANK YOU! It is very annoying.

July 13, 2009 at 5:28:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous maudkristina said...


July 29, 2009 at 9:50:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Charlotte said...

Now, whenever a guy does tell me to smile (happened twice yesterday!) I think of this. And try to refrain from growling at them.

August 17, 2009 at 10:31:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Selwyn Nogood said...

You've hit the nail right on my wife's head. Is that the right way of putting it?

Her other hated variation on the theme is..

"Cheer up love, it might not happen."

To which the appropriate response is, "With you, I hope to god it never does."

30 seconds later. Half way down the street. With no-one round to hear.

November 10, 2009 at 11:10:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Kathryn said...

YES! Another thing that would be on my list? Men who are worried that I sound too 'angry' when I express how I feel. My brother calls me every time I so much as mention sexism on my blog... not because he cares what I have to say, but because it apparently annoys him that I sound 'angry.'

February 8, 2010 at 1:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jennifer Jackson said...

once a guy tried to pick me up on the subway using that "life can't be that bad. why don't you smile?" line. ugh. i wanted to kick him and run. but we were going through harlem and i was too afraid to get out of the subway.

April 30, 2010 at 1:52:00 PM EDT  

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