Hi, it’s Brooke again. Not by choice this time. See, I have lots of ideas (“Let’s move to
OK, so they’re going on a train. This results in several
advertisements accolades about how awesome trains are, specifically the Rocky Mountain Express. Several people excitedly say they’ve never been on a train before. I think this is something embarrassing that hicks should keep to themselves.
DATE #1: Robby (bartender, 25)
Robby is given the first date card. He says, “Trains are the perfect place to fall in love.” Really? I always thought of them as the perfect place to get wrapped up in a mysterious caper. Whatever. Camera flashes to Jillian decorating her train car like a harem. My initial impressions of Robby: This guys is lame. Boo. Robby is a 25-year-old bartender or as my mom would call him, marriage material. (My mom was sarcastic.) I mean, part of me feels bad for Robby. Last week it was all glacier-jumping ice planes and zip lining. And he gets a ride in a train. What a loser. Anyhow, he says things like:
“I’m young, I’m 25, I’m in-between jobs right now, I haven’t had a relationship in a couple of years…”
“I wish I had a bigger vocabulary.”
“There are so many ideas going through my head, it’s stupid.”
So yeah, Robby is stupid. So Jillian ditches him and the genius producers (seriously guys, I respect this decision) leave Robby in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. The rest of the guys watch him fade away as the train chugs along. Pathetic. But it does give me an idea for a new show: The Bachelor: Survivor Edition. After you’re thrown off you have to fight for your life to make it back to civilization.
DATE #2: Group Date
Anyhow, next is the group date and they play in the snow (again) and drink by a fireplace (again). Jillian gets some private time with the following gentlemen.
Jake is like a fighter pilot from ‘50s-era conformist propaganda. Tall, blond, square jaw line, latent homosexual tendencies. He keeps talking about how nice guys finish last. And girls don’t want the nice guys. Sure, we women prefer to be tossed around when we misbehave, but could it be that you have the personality of a rag? You’re weak and needy. Also you use words like “golly” and “neat.” Man up, Jake. I really think he would benefit from a night of blow and hookers. Jake’s last words: “I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t.” Loser.
Next up is Kiptyn’s forehead. I like Kiptyn, but he needs some Botox. I find his wrinkly forehead distracting. Anyhow, they have great chemistry. He touches her butt a little, which I support. He’s a shoo-in for a bang card.
Foot Fetish Guy Tanner:
The producers are really editing geniuses. Following a discussion about what everyone wears to sleep, Tanner has a voiceover: “I want her to know about my family. I’ve got to step it up.” On screen, he pulls down his pants and shows his tightie whities and his enormous(!!) package. Which oddly enough is just what Dan did when he wanted me to meet his family. Kidding, Dan wears boxer briefs. Anyhow, cut to Tanner giving Jillian a foot massage. He boasts to camera: “She knows I have a foot fetish and she knows I was blessed.” He’s feeling pretty cocky. Ha. They do a close-up of her feet. They actually are really pretty. This guy sucks. Next.
Team Jesse! He’s sincere. And real pretty. I like him. Also, he’s a winemaker! And as Friend Amy texted, “The fact that he is a winemaker makes him WAY hotter than he actually is.” (Friend Amy loves to drink.)
Michael is a 25-year-old break dance instructor. He’s goofy and sweet and young. He’s just so naïve. I’d fuck him to teach him a lesson. I think Jillian might, too.
I refuse to discuss Wes in any capacity. I hate you, Wes. You are on my Blacklist™.
DATE #3: Reid (30, realtor)
Man, Reid is so nebbishy (look it up, Goyim). He repeatedly calls himself neurotic. And while they don’t say he’s Jewish, when Jillian says “it feels like Christmas morning,” he responds, “I know what Christmas morning is like. You wake up and there are no presents.” And c’mon, there’s no way they’d have a Muslim on the show, or GOD forbid, an atheist. Anyhow, the next scene was cut and paste from Along Came Polly. Jillian eats fondue and Reid admits he’s a hypochondriac and is uncomfortable with the raw meat. Just like Ben Stiller! Jillian: “I want to meet his family and see how we would relate to each other.” I really hope they discuss their religious differences. The Bachelorette: now with more reality.
And the winners are: Kiptyn’s Forehead, Winemaker Jesse, Virgin Michael, Jew-y Reid, D-Bag Wes.
Awkward family moments and erectile dysfunction! Dan and I will (possibly) live blog it.