Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Bachelorette Recap (Vol. 2)

Hi, it’s Brooke again. Not by choice this time. See, I have lots of ideas (“Let’s move to Thailand and teach English!” “Let’s write a novel”), but I’m not so big on the follow through (“Let’s take naps instead. I really love naps.”) So when I proposed blogging about The Bachelorette, I just thought it was one of those things Dan would ignore like my post-midnight feeling sharing or my refusal to properly screw tops back on. But no, last Tuesday, he actually posted a Bachelorette recap, and then promised that I would write this week’s. So here goes.

SETTING

OK, so they’re going on a train. This results in several advertisements accolades about how awesome trains are, specifically the Rocky Mountain Express. Several people excitedly say they’ve never been on a train before. I think this is something embarrassing that hicks should keep to themselves.

DATE #1: Robby (bartender, 25)

Robby is given the first date card. He says, “Trains are the perfect place to fall in love.” Really? I always thought of them as the perfect place to get wrapped up in a mysterious caper. Whatever. Camera flashes to Jillian decorating her train car like a harem. My initial impressions of Robby: This guys is lame. Boo. Robby is a 25-year-old bartender or as my mom would call him, marriage material. (My mom was sarcastic.) I mean, part of me feels bad for Robby. Last week it was all glacier-jumping ice planes and zip lining. And he gets a ride in a train. What a loser. Anyhow, he says things like:

“I’m young, I’m 25, I’m in-between jobs right now, I haven’t had a relationship in a couple of years…”

“I wish I had a bigger vocabulary.”

“There are so many ideas going through my head, it’s stupid.”

So yeah, Robby is stupid. So Jillian ditches him and the genius producers (seriously guys, I respect this decision) leave Robby in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. The rest of the guys watch him fade away as the train chugs along. Pathetic. But it does give me an idea for a new show: The Bachelor: Survivor Edition. After you’re thrown off you have to fight for your life to make it back to civilization.

DATE #2: Group Date

Anyhow, next is the group date and they play in the snow (again) and drink by a fireplace (again). Jillian gets some private time with the following gentlemen.

Captain America Jake:

Jake is like a fighter pilot from ‘50s-era conformist propaganda. Tall, blond, square jaw line, latent homosexual tendencies. He keeps talking about how nice guys finish last. And girls don’t want the nice guys. Sure, we women prefer to be tossed around when we misbehave, but could it be that you have the personality of a rag? You’re weak and needy. Also you use words like “golly” and “neat.” Man up, Jake. I really think he would benefit from a night of blow and hookers. Jake’s last words: “I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t.” Loser.

Kiptyn’s Forehead:

Next up is Kiptyn’s forehead. I like Kiptyn, but he needs some Botox. I find his wrinkly forehead distracting. Anyhow, they have great chemistry. He touches her butt a little, which I support. He’s a shoo-in for a bang card.

Foot Fetish Guy Tanner:

The producers are really editing geniuses. Following a discussion about what everyone wears to sleep, Tanner has a voiceover: “I want her to know about my family. I’ve got to step it up.” On screen, he pulls down his pants and shows his tightie whities and his enormous(!!) package. Which oddly enough is just what Dan did when he wanted me to meet his family. Kidding, Dan wears boxer briefs. Anyhow, cut to Tanner giving Jillian a foot massage. He boasts to camera: “She knows I have a foot fetish and she knows I was blessed.” He’s feeling pretty cocky. Ha. They do a close-up of her feet. They actually are really pretty. This guy sucks. Next.

Jesse:

Team Jesse! He’s sincere. And real pretty. I like him. Also, he’s a winemaker! And as Friend Amy texted, “The fact that he is a winemaker makes him WAY hotter than he actually is.” (Friend Amy loves to drink.)

Virgin Michael:

Michael is a 25-year-old break dance instructor. He’s goofy and sweet and young. He’s just so naïve. I’d fuck him to teach him a lesson. I think Jillian might, too.

Wes:

I refuse to discuss Wes in any capacity. I hate you, Wes. You are on my Blacklist™.

DATE #3: Reid (30, realtor)

Man, Reid is so nebbishy (look it up, Goyim). He repeatedly calls himself neurotic. And while they don’t say he’s Jewish, when Jillian says “it feels like Christmas morning,” he responds, “I know what Christmas morning is like. You wake up and there are no presents.” And c’mon, there’s no way they’d have a Muslim on the show, or GOD forbid, an atheist. Anyhow, the next scene was cut and paste from Along Came Polly. Jillian eats fondue and Reid admits he’s a hypochondriac and is uncomfortable with the raw meat. Just like Ben Stiller! Jillian: “I want to meet his family and see how we would relate to each other.” I really hope they discuss their religious differences. The Bachelorette: now with more reality.

Rose Ceremony

And the winners are: Kiptyn’s Forehead, Winemaker Jesse, Virgin Michael, Jew-y Reid, D-Bag Wes.

Next Week

Awkward family moments and erectile dysfunction! Dan and I will (possibly) live blog it.

15 Comments:

Blogger mance01 said...

I love the Bachelorette/Survivor Hybrid idea. I'd totally watch it because hopefully several of them wouldn't make it back to civilization. :)

June 23, 2009 at 3:14:00 PM EDT  
Blogger PMJG said...

Yes, but is Jesse's wine any good? I support the idea that producing alcoholic beverages makes a person hotter, but not if the booze tastes like ferret musk and nursing home bedsheets fermented in a light antifungal brine.

I am also hoping that Wes making it so far into the series is only so that his CRUSHING HUMILIATION at the end is all the more crushing and/or humiliating.

June 23, 2009 at 4:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Amy said...

can't. stop. laughing.

June 23, 2009 at 5:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Canadian Tourism said...

Wondering if Romance in Tofino is next on the agenda...

June 23, 2009 at 7:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going to be wishing for the live blog all week. I would actually consider getting Twitter if you were both on there "tweeting," as it were, about The Bachelorette.

June 23, 2009 at 8:43:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loving your "spots" Canadian Tourism!!! Nothing like romancing in your parka on the stormy Tofino shore...or maybe that's because our family vacays there were always in OCTOBER!! Thanks mom and dad!!

I love that they abandoned that guy--threw him off the train!! I also love that I feel like I watched the show--thanks for the live blogging!

Canadian Queen

June 23, 2009 at 11:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Adam said...

"Man up, Jake. I really think he would benefit from a night of blow and hookers." - brilliant
What talent wrote that rose ceremony theme music? wft?

June 23, 2009 at 11:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

I love naps too. It's the reason I'm still not done with my MSc. It's the reason I haven't started that book.

June 24, 2009 at 7:43:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who do you think suffers from erectile disfunction? Possibly Reid? Everyone knows good jewish boys from PA cant perform.

This show is what reality tv should be about. Its fun, funny, there are a few hot guys and a few who arent so hot (hey kyptyn Im talking to you) and the prerequisite douche or two.

Love the recap - cant wait for next weeks!

June 24, 2009 at 9:05:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

Great entry again Brooke.

Kiptyn? What kind of douchebag name is that?

June 24, 2009 at 12:34:00 PM EDT  
OpenID peterdewolf said...

I considered watching this season because the chica is Canadian and cute. (Which, frankly, is about all I need in a woman.)

But the thought of the collection of tools I knew they'd cast to hit on her...

June 24, 2009 at 2:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous anon said...

neb·bish (nbsh)
n.
A person regarded as weak-willed or timid.

June 24, 2009 at 3:36:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Marnie Elizabeth said...

I don't watch this show, but it pleases me there is someone out there evolving it into a product both entertaining and fit for general consumption. Thanks for making TV good Dan.

June 25, 2009 at 12:04:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Under-Employed Girl said...

Just checked for live blogging so disappointed it's not happening but luv the Bachelorette/Survivor idea.

June 29, 2009 at 9:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Women preferred to be tossed around when they "misbehave"? Wow!

There are many weird things about Jake but I would not count "respect for women" as one of them.

July 1, 2009 at 10:53:00 AM EDT  

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