Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Bachelorette Recap: Vol. 3

On a whim last week, Brooke threw it out there that maybe we would live blog this week’s episode. Spoiler Alert: We did not live blog this week’s episode. Brooke really wanted to, but I told her that there were four episodes left in the season and “Once you go live blog, you can never go back.” She said I said that like it’s a well-known saying. Whatever. Live blogging is a special event, likely saved for the last two, maybe three episodes. We’ll see.

LAST WEEK

Jake (or as I call him “Val Kilmer doing his best Val Kilmer”) is voted off along with Tanner, who even in rejection can’t stop talking about Jillian’s feet. Anyone else think they’re not that great? Anyone? What do I know – I like tits.

DATE #1: Reid, Philadelphia, PA.

This week is “home dates” and Jillian is excited to see all the guys in their “real settings” as opposed to on an old-timey train in Canada, where everyone knows you just can’t be yourself. Her first destination is Philly where Reid is waiting for her with open arms and two scalding hot cups of coffee. Unfortunately, Jillian is still bound by the “Run and Jump Into Everyone’s Arms” clause in her contract, creating a tense moment early on.

Luckily, after that everything between her and Reid gets back to boring. Reid seems nervous ALL THE TIME. Brooke takes one look at his parents and says, “Oy.” Sure enough, mom wants babies and she wants them now going so far as to call Jillian “adorable” which everyone knows is mom speak for “good enough.” Then the rest of Reid’s family bursts through the front door to throw him a surprise 30th birthday party. Only in a Jewish (or Italian) family would the taping of a reality TV show segment be a good opportunity to get everyone together for a birthday party.

At the end of the night Reid is so turned on by all the mediocrity that he molests Jillian on the front porch. Philadelphia is so romantic.

DATE #2: Michael, Valencia, CA.

Michael is surprisingly upbeat for being a guy who has no chance of winning. He sneaks into the house on camera to surprise his parents, who are surprisingly good at faking being surprised. Good job, Michael’s parents! Maybe if the Fatchelor series doesn’t work out, they can star in a reality show about finding love even though you’re married.

When Jillian comes through the door, Michael gets so excited it seems like he may pee on her. Michael’s mom immediately whisks Jillian away to help in the kitchen, and everyone gets the impression that they’re just two moms hanging out in the kitchen. Yikes. Michael and his identical twin brother then try to fool Jillian by changing outfits like it’s 1930 (the last time people really fell for this trick), but Detective Jillian immediately sniffs out the plot. Michael LOVES this about her. He loves everything about her. Michael’s dad tells him that he’s surprised Jillian “isn’t a whore” (paraphrasing) and that Michael “shouldn’t hold back”. My dad’s advice would have been, “Now explain to me what’s happening here again?”

At dinner, Michael’s family plays their family dinnertime game called “Question for the Table,” also known as “conversation.” MORE SURPRISES when Michael’s sister comes back from Australia (really?) just to meet Jillian. The two girls hug and Michael loves that they’re getting along. Then the whole family caps the night the way they always do, by swing dancing in the living room. Michael loves that Jillian dances.

DATE #3: Kiptyn, San Diego, CA.

Jillian and Kiptyn’s forehead meet up on the beach and you can just tell that all Jillian wants to do is rub her face all over his six pack. Through the shirt, she doesn’t care. Jillian says, “This is where you live? It’s so beautiful,” and Kiptyn’s forehead is like, “Does she think I live on this beach?” Then they kiss. Kiptyn kisses like a duck.

They roll up to the house and HEY OH! Kiptyn’s family is loaded. Suddenly, Kiptyn’s job of “business developer” makes sense. He’s developing daddy’s money – into rock hard abs.

Like some sort of richy rich Indiana Jones challenge, Kiptyn’s parents have set up a food and wine paring taste test in the back yard. Jillian must guess which lasagna is the homemade one and which wine is the expensive one. Brooke calls the test a “pressure cooker.” (Zing!) Kiptyn’s forehead is like “I’M SO CONCERNED!” But then Jillian guesses right and everyone is relieved that they won’t have to throw her off the cliff. The mom picks up the cheap wine and dumps it on the ground saying, “Only my grandma drinks that.” Fuck you, grandma.

Back inside, everyone sits down to eat the rest of the homemade lasagna. Kiptyn’s sister is waving around her 25-karat ring while Mom asks Jillian what she would change about herself to make Kiptyn happier. Jillian answers that she “wouldn’t work so hard for her happiness.” Mom’s like, “Oh, that’s awful,” and takes a painting down off the wall so Jillian can sell it and buy herself some happiness.

After dinner, Kiptyn fulfills his shirtless quota by taking Jillian in the hot tub out back. Mom stands at the window watching them. Even the producers think that’s weird, and they focus in on her standing there for a long period of time. Kiptyn should use some of his mom’s Botox.

DATE #4: Jesse, Carmel, CA.

Jesse is just sitting around on his tractor waiting for Jillian. Brooke is like, “Break me off a piece of that!” She loves Jesse because he makes wine and seems a bit distant. Jillian has some concerns though. They take a tractor ride to a picnic in the vineyard (because, you know) and Jillian’s like “Are you ready for this to be real?” and Jesse’s like “What?” I think Jesse is too normal to be on this show.

Jump to dinner. Jesse’s family is a typical “We run a vineyard in California” family, whatever that means, but you know what I mean. Everything is going great until Jesse’s older brother Jacob opens up his facial haired mouth. A few key phrases are:

To Jillian

“You guys are expensive. You know, women. In general.”
“Have you been naked with Jesse yet?”
“Jesse’s an emotional ice cube.”

To Jesse

“Do you love this chick?”
“Does she want babies?”
“She’s a little cutie.”

Back inside, everyone (mom) is drunk and there’s another impromptu dance session in the living room. It’s like subliminal advertising for Dancing with the Stars. Before Jillian leaves, Jesse takes one more stab at opening up by telling Jillian how love is like a fine wine. (And he should know because he makes wine!) Who’s the emotional ice cube now, asshole?

DATE #5: Wes, Austin, TX.

MORES SURPRISES! This season is like a surprise orgasm. Instead of taking Jillian directly to meet his family, Wes first puts on a concert for Jillian. She cracks open a beer and Wes proceeds to play his song, which sounds like a crappy country song.

UH OH ALERT

Cut to Jake, rolling his wheelie suitcase through the airport with an air of defiance. He’s on his way to Austin to tell Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend. “My goal is to protect her,” he says. He’s like a superhero. Truthman! Or Meddling Man!

Back in Austin, Wes sings another shitty song. Jillian seems impressed/stupid. Someone needs to remind her that usually when someone writes a country song for your it’s because you broke their heart or they hate you.

Meanwhile, Jake fake calls Tanner for some fake advice. Should he tell Jillian? And which high-waisted jeans should he wear for . . .

TRUTHFEST 2009

Everyone meets up in the hotel’s corporate lounge. Jillian is surprised totally unsurprised to see Jake. Man, Jakes smiles so much! He’s trying to break the bad news to Jillian that there’s “something she needs to know about Wes.” He’s procrastinating so much that his grins look like gas pains, and Jillian asks, “Is Wes here for the wrong reasons?”

(Long dramatic pause.)

Finally she’s like, “Or is it something more?” Objection! Leading the actor.

Jake spits it out. “Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is Laurel.” Jillian puts on her best “Laurel is a slut” face while ominous piano music plays in the background. So that’s what “wrong reasons” means! Then Jake’s like, “If you need me, just call. With the bat signal,” and jumps out the window. Jillian doesn’t know what to do because the producers haven’t told her what to do yet. You’ll get your lines tomorrow, Jilly.

Jillian decides that her, Jake, and Wes need to sit down and talk this out like three responsible adults on a reality dating TV show. This is going to be so good! She starts by sitting down with Wes and asking him if there’s anything he needs to tell her. Good start. Lure him in. He says no, and Jillian seems kind of flustered. Ugh, Jillian is awful at dramatic confrontations. I guess they don’t get Paul Haggis movies in Canada. Finally, she comes clean and Wes is all, “Dude, me and Laurel are just friends now. And I can’t go backwards.” (Huh?)

Jake, who has seen tons of Paul Haggis movies, breaks down the door and is like, “I’ll handle this.” Jake doesn’t handle anything, and Wes uses his wily ability to calmly refute Jake’s accusations. Drats! Foiled again! Brooke calls the whole thing “a porn without the sex.”

Finally Jake leaves and cries. On his way home he stops to help deliver a litter of puppies, but the mom dog is like, “Nah, I got it.” No one wants Jakes’s help. Meanwhile Jillian apologizes to Wes and adds “standing up for herself” to “evaluating people, fighting, scene making, and clue deciphering” on the list of things she is awful at. They meet Wes’s family who are like “Wes is awesome!” and Jillian is reassured.

SPECIAL ED

Back at the hotel, Jillian’s like “Phew, I just can’t handle any more fake surprises.” Too bad, because there’s MORE SURPRISES. Ed has come back to tell Jillian that he has “reprioritized” (1. computers 2. true love 1. true love 2. computers) and wants another shot. Of course she invites him back because she hasn’t stopped talking about him since he left, except for those two episodes where she didn’t mention him at all. They hug it out because the passion is just too much.

ROSE CEREMONY

Everyone hates Ed. Now two guys are going home instead of one, and those two are Michael and Jesse, but no one’s really worried because this show is like Lost – no one’s ever really dead! (Except for Stephanie’s husband; he was really dead.)

Somewhere Michael’s sister is really pissed about coming back from Australia early.

NEXT WEEK

Everyone comes back to gang murder Wes!

7 Comments:

Blogger Kelly said...

I watched the episode just to enjoy the recap.

(I need more hobbies.)

June 30, 2009 at 2:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger julie said...

this is better than watching the show.

June 30, 2009 at 6:20:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous jessica fantastica said...

Yeah I don't watch the show and have no inclination to, but these recaps are awesome! Fuck you Grandma indeed.

July 1, 2009 at 1:13:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Fiona said...

totally off topic, but did you just miss the perfect opportunity to call the "mom dog" a bitch?

July 1, 2009 at 3:43:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this show - it is completely ridiculous. AND I love your recap but I dont sense you were yelling at the tv like I was the entire two hours. This girl is a complete idiot and if she picks Wes, she deserves what she gets...but at least we learn that people will do anything to be on television.

July 1, 2009 at 4:05:00 PM EDT  
Blogger katiecoo said...

omg so freaking hilarious...wish I'd found your blog through the entire show. Better late than never. Bravo...better than the actual crazy program!

July 5, 2009 at 5:08:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous S.Logan said...

I missed the show last week, and was going to watch it online. Instead, I read your recap, which was much more entertaining. Plus, you saved me 1 hour and 51 minutes of my life. For that, I'll be forever grateful. Or at least forever for the next hour and 50 minutes.

July 8, 2009 at 2:32:00 AM EDT  

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