Friday, June 26, 2009

Breaking News: America Nearly Engulfed By Wave of Nostalgia After Michael Jackson Dies

Is it safe to come out yet? Is everything still here? Did someone put the pandas on the ark? Please tell me someone PUT THE PANDAS ON THE ARK!

For a while there I was worried because I saw the movie Deep Impact so I know that when The Big Nostalgia Comet hit, my only chance for survival would be to run to the top of a very large hill. And then I remembered I was in Florida (the topographical equivalent of an English muffin) and was like shit.

So I ripped open my Do Not Open in Case of Doomsday kit, took out the shaker, made a few martinis, and watched an episode of Party Down. Then I woke up this morning and logged onto Facebook, the new national emergency broadcast system, expecting chaos.

But good news, America: We made it! Of course there were still people like:

(Side note: Did that guy just call Michael Jackson his god? I’d hate to get stuck in traffic on that bandwagon.)

But by and large people seem to be back to normal – updating the cosmos about their plans for the weekend, the progress their toddlers are making at growing up, and the annoying neighbors vacuuming upstairs. And I’m not going to pretend to be some sort of cultural bellwether (I watch Dawson’s Creek repeats), but isn’t this how it should be? I mean, it’s all well and good if you prefer to remember the King of Pop version of Michael Jackson and be a bit sad that the guy who once owned MTV is no longer around, but let’s not fill the ether with e-R.I.P.s (they crashed Twitter, for tweet’s sake!) and pretend that the Yikesael Jackson version never existed. Does the Neverland Ranch and Bed Sharing Resort ring a bell? Hanging your baby over a balcony? THIS?

All I’m suggesting is that maybe we should look where we’re moonwalking. And take solace in the fact that even if someone forgot the pandas, we’ve still got the elephants painted like pandas. It’s gonna be okay.

It’s black. It’s white. It’s tough for you.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Fiona said...

too soon? still, thanks for saying (ranting?) what I've been thinking.

June 26, 2009 at 12:41:00 PM EDT  
Blogger unMuse said...

I feel sorry for Farrah Fawcett. Her death due to her battle with cancer got all kinds of upstaged by the noseless wonder.

June 26, 2009 at 1:47:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous juniperjune said...

i like how some of the elephanta are helpfully labeled "panda" in that last shot.

June 26, 2009 at 2:03:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Ann said...

My office window looks out at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. They are flying the flags at half-staff. I mean, COME ON. He was a pop star, icon even, but he was a POP STAR.

June 26, 2009 at 3:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger miss. chief said...

those elephants are all ready for halloween. and awesome.

June 26, 2009 at 5:29:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it bizarre and random that people are lining the streets crying over a celebrity death. People die - it's life. Do I feel bad for his children because they are fatherless - yes - but hell maybe now they'll have a chance at a NORMAL life and not have to wear masks everytime they step outside. It also amazes me that people are once again referring to him as The King of Pop - and singing his praises, when the past couple of years he's been harrassed and hung out to dry do to his bizarre behavior. We've all had him on the back burner for years. I don't understand the glorification of him now... little too late don't ya think? Your post is what I'm sure many of us think but were too afraid to say.

June 26, 2009 at 6:41:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Sandy said...

One of the saddest things about that guy you quoted was his misplaced apostrophe in "video's [sic]." Maybe his new Lord can be the Lord of punctuation.

June 27, 2009 at 12:43:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that's not one of the saddest things about his statement.

June 27, 2009 at 2:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Melissa said...

Your blog's hilarious, just thought I'd share!

June 27, 2009 at 10:48:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen. The guy was a FREAK!

June 28, 2009 at 8:32:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Sandy said...

It was hyperbole, anonymous commenter. But I do take apostrophes very seriously.

June 28, 2009 at 6:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Under-Employed Girl said...

Ahhh, as usual the voice of reason

June 29, 2009 at 8:51:00 PM EDT  

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