Wednesday, June 3, 2009

My Script Treatment For a New Sitcom Called Halvsies (Alternate Title: Two Guys, a Girl and a Gangbang)

(The following script is based on the true life story of a Texas woman who gave birth to twin boys fathered by two different men – a 0.001 chance occurrence, though scientists note that probability rises when banging lots of dudes. Names have been changed because the real ones are stupid.)

Scene: Kitchen. 10 years later. Breakfast time. The boys – Sam and Jamal – come bounding down the stairs. Mom is making pancakes.

Mom: Slow down boys! How many times have a told you not to run in the house? You’re going to break something.

Sam: Like my arm?

Mom: Like my vase.

(Laughs.)

Mom: Now come and eat some breakfast. I made your favorite.

Jamal: Pancakes aren’t my favorite. French toast is my favorite.

Mom: (Sprinkles cinnamon on his pancakes.) “There. French toast.”

(Laughs.)

Sam: Mom, if Jamal and I are twins, how come pancakes aren’t both our favorites?

Mom: Well Sam, it’s complicated. You see, ten years ago Mommy was going through some tough times. Mommy didn’t think Mommy was very pretty, so she looked for validati-

(Just then, Sam’s father comes through the back door. He is a mail carrier.)

Sam’s Dad: Morning everyone! Morning son – s.

Sam: Hey dad, Mom was just explaining why Jamal and I don’t both like pancakes even though we’re twins.

Sam’s Dad: (Aside to Mom.) Jeez, the kids look like an Oreo cookie and they’re wondering about pancakes?”

(Laughs.)

Mom: Anyway, I was telling them how Mommy had some self-esteem problems, and the alcohol didn’t help matters . . .

(Jamal’s father comes rushing through the door. He is on parole for attempted murder.)

Sam’s Dad: Well look who it is! I didn’t know you’d be joining us for breakfast.

Mom: I didn’t know you were ever awake for breakfast.

(Laughs.)

Jamal’s Dad: Yo yo, what’s up family? (Looks at Jamal’s plate.) Hey, French toast! My favorite!

(Laughs.)

Mom: (Slapping away Jamal’s Dad’s hand.) That’s not for you! The isn’t a prison mess hall.

(Laughs.)

Jamal’s Dad: Oh shoot, that reminds me! I gotta run. Meeting with my P.O. He got me a job at something called Pottery Barn. I told him I don’t know nothing about animals, but he said it’s all good.

(Laughs.)

Sam’s Dad: I should be going, too. Busy day at the office. That whiskey won’t drink itself!

(Laughs.)

Mom: Now what was I saying to you boys? Oh, right. My pill addiction. So one night-

Jamal: It’s okay, Mom. I think Sam and I get the picture.

Mom: You do?

Sam: Yeah. Jamal and I like different breakfasts because everyone’s different, regardless of whether they have a twin brother. Right?

Mom: (Smiling.) You bet, honey.

Jamal: What do you say, Sam? Trade some pancakes for some French toast?

Sam: You bet. We’ll go halvsies.

(Applause.)

20 Comments:

Anonymous sarah g said...

the baby in that picture scares me. I'm guessing that he is sam.

June 3, 2009 at 3:15:00 PM EDT  
OpenID notsojenny said...

the sad part is this is better than 87% of the sitcom's greenlit today

June 3, 2009 at 3:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger red said...

Seriously. Why does the white baby have photoshopped hair? And did it have to be red?!

June 3, 2009 at 3:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger rvega said...

Awesomeness.

June 3, 2009 at 3:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jen said...

That was particularly offensive. If you had left race and its accompanying stereotypes out of it, you might have had something here.

June 3, 2009 at 8:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Prosy said...

I particularly enjoyed how the author of the article mentioned that many sets of twins don't look alike. Like Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenager

June 3, 2009 at 9:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger molls said...

I love that the father is a mailman....subtle.

June 3, 2009 at 11:39:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous headbang8 said...

That was perfect. You got very detail, from the no-knock entrances, to the unfunny running gags like the French toast joke, to the creepy moral lesson at the end.

Larry David once described why his sitcoms (Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm) are different. "No hugging. No learning," he said. I think you forgot the hugging.

June 4, 2009 at 1:06:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

I laughed but I have to admit that I was a little offended that Jamal's father just so happened to be an ex-convict.

June 4, 2009 at 2:15:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, racial sterotyping! What fun!

June 4, 2009 at 8:59:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Phatchik said...

Sorry - the anon comment was from me. I haven't had my coffee yet.

Still, you're story is racist.

June 4, 2009 at 9:01:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

Maybe you're racist for assuming he's black.

June 4, 2009 at 10:02:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good point. While the story does imply one kid is black and one white (oreo cookie), it never says that sam is white and jamal is black. what we have here is a case of racist readers (RR). and i do actually have a white friend who's name is jamal

June 4, 2009 at 12:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

I love you Dan. You racist sonofabitch. :rolleyes:

Stereotypes don't originate out of thin air. Relax a little bit.

You should forward this to Sarah Silverman. Looks right up her alley.

(I said up her alley.)

June 4, 2009 at 1:17:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Stereotypes don't originate out of thin air. Relax a little bit."

We could talk for days about the real reasons for stereotypes. It wouldn't be a very relaxing discussion.

What I don't think came out of thin air was the choice of names.

Sam and Jamal.

Just sayin'.

June 5, 2009 at 12:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

Could you film it in front of the same live studio audience they had to record "Charles in Charge"?

June 5, 2009 at 5:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger LiLu said...

*wipes one solitary tear away*

You're single-handedly going to bring back the American sitcom, Dan.

I hereby volunteer to be in the studio audience.

June 7, 2009 at 7:49:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Chris said...

Will Madonna make a guest appearance at some point? Because I'd like to have my Tivo ready.

June 8, 2009 at 3:44:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous JD said...

Wow that was so racist and chock full of stereotypes. Jamal is clearly the black kid and those trying to say otherwise are complete idiots. I used to like you. What happened? Did some black guy hit on Brooke and totally make you feel sexually threatened? Unreal

June 13, 2009 at 12:39:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. I'm amazed at how many morons don't have a sense of humor and can't recognize satire unless you smack them in the mouth with it. There really is no hope for this fucking planet.

June 19, 2009 at 9:32:00 PM EDT  

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