My Script Treatment For a New Sitcom Called Halvsies (Alternate Title: Two Guys, a Girl and a Gangbang)
(The following script is based on the true life story of a Texas woman who gave birth to twin boys fathered by two different men – a 0.001 chance occurrence, though scientists note that probability rises when banging lots of dudes. Names have been changed because the real ones are stupid.)
Scene: Kitchen. 10 years later. Breakfast time. The boys – Sam and Jamal – come bounding down the stairs. Mom is making pancakes.
Mom: Slow down boys! How many times have a told you not to run in the house? You’re going to break something.
Sam: Like my arm?
Mom: Like my vase.
Mom: Now come and eat some breakfast. I made your favorite.
Jamal: Pancakes aren’t my favorite. French toast is my favorite.
Mom: (Sprinkles cinnamon on his pancakes.) “There. French toast.”
Sam: Mom, if Jamal and I are twins, how come pancakes aren’t both our favorites?
Mom: Well Sam, it’s complicated. You see, ten years ago Mommy was going through some tough times. Mommy didn’t think Mommy was very pretty, so she looked for validati-
(Just then, Sam’s father comes through the back door. He is a mail carrier.)
Sam’s Dad: Morning everyone! Morning son – s.
Sam: Hey dad, Mom was just explaining why Jamal and I don’t both like pancakes even though we’re twins.
Sam’s Dad: (Aside to Mom.) Jeez, the kids look like an Oreo cookie and they’re wondering about pancakes?”
Mom: Anyway, I was telling them how Mommy had some self-esteem problems, and the alcohol didn’t help matters . . .
(Jamal’s father comes rushing through the door. He is on parole for attempted murder.)
Sam’s Dad: Well look who it is! I didn’t know you’d be joining us for breakfast.
Mom: I didn’t know you were ever awake for breakfast.
Jamal’s Dad: Yo yo, what’s up family? (Looks at Jamal’s plate.) Hey, French toast! My favorite!
Mom: (Slapping away Jamal’s Dad’s hand.) That’s not for you! The isn’t a prison mess hall.
Jamal’s Dad: Oh shoot, that reminds me! I gotta run. Meeting with my P.O. He got me a job at something called Pottery Barn. I told him I don’t know nothing about animals, but he said it’s all good.
Sam’s Dad: I should be going, too. Busy day at the office. That whiskey won’t drink itself!
Mom: Now what was I saying to you boys? Oh, right. My pill addiction. So one night-
Jamal: It’s okay, Mom. I think Sam and I get the picture.
Mom: You do?
Sam: Yeah. Jamal and I like different breakfasts because everyone’s different, regardless of whether they have a twin brother. Right?
Mom: (Smiling.) You bet, honey.
Jamal: What do you say, Sam? Trade some pancakes for some French toast?
Sam: You bet. We’ll go halvsies.