Brooke and I often talk about if/when we will move back to
Then I go and do something stupid like take a weekend trip to
Luckily I am a trained New Yorker. So when
At face value, this is one of the largest inconveniences the city can throw at you. Unless you live there and have ample time to decipher the often incomprehensible Changes of Service notifications, you’re bound to be blindsided. Like when I took the train in from visiting my parents on
Actually, rerouted subways are
At face value, the only thing worse than trying to find an apartment in New York is every subsequent month when you look around your tiny, crumbling third-floor walk-up (built circa 1920) and then write out a check for $1,800 in rent. I once had a guy come to fix the heat at one of my past apartments and after studying the radiator for five minutes he stood up and said, “Wow, they don’t make ‘em like this anymore!” I smiled because I thought it was a compliment implying that everything constructed in yesteryears is more well-built. Then we kind of just looked at each other and he was like, “No, really. They don’t make these anymore. I don’t know how to fix it.”
Actually, old apartments are charming and imbue residents with a sense of historical significance – a place in time, if you will. So when I woke up on Saturday morning and went out to get Brooke and I coffee, and came back balancing the two cups on top of each other and proceeded to get into such an epic struggle with the lock on the front door of the apartment building (if I had to give instructions on how to use it, I would say, “put the key in, then pull the handle so far towards you that it looks like it is about to come flying off, then gently turn,”) that the top coffee spilled all over my shirt, kind of burning me, well all I could think was, “I bet the same thing happened to someone in 1948!”
Cramped living quarters
At face value, living in an apartment the size of an Applebee’s bathroom is soul crushing. You convince yourself that you have all the space you really need, and then you take your bed out of the closet, blow it up, and go to sleep.
Actually, this is
Dead bird on fire escape
At face value, a dead bird flattened out on a window screen resting on your fire escape is disgusting, not to mention mind boggling. How does something like that even happen? The best I can come up with is that the bird flew at a great speed into the screen, plastering itself into it with such cartoon force that the person living in the adjacent apartment could not remove the bird from the screen. So they just took it out and left it on the fire escape. But unless the bird was hopped up on something, I don’t see it achieving the necessary velocity to literally flatten itself.
Actually, a dead bird on the fire escape is just disgusting.
Shoddy apartment construction
At face value, shoddy construction just completes the trifecta of awfulness when it comes to old, cramped apartments. Although you have to hand it to builders – they tried. Like with the double hanging windows common on most walk-up apartment buildings, where you can literally fold in both portions of the window in order to clean the other side. Ingenious! Except when it’s broken. Then when you simply try to open the window, it shoots up and out towards you like a coiled spring and comes off its hinge so that the window, in some metaphysical conundrum, nearly falls out the window.
* Except for where to live. Because some questions have no easy answers.