Tuesday, June 2, 2009

You’ve Really Done It This Time, Dryer Monster

Somehow, despite thousands of years of logistical evolution, we’ve still managed to create and actively maintain the mythology of the dryer monster. There’s no Job Eating monster if you get fired or Impregnating Monster if you knock up a girl, but lose a sock in the process of doing laundry and guess what: NOT YOUR FAULT. Common knowledge, asshole, the dryer monster ate it. How man has come to accept responsibility for global warming but still can’t own up to the fact that somewhere between the dryer and the laundry basket you lost a sock is beyond me. In fact, I’m going to write a novel. It’s going to be called “One of a Kind: Apologies of a Sock Loser” and it’s going to be about a man who takes on the immense burden of all the lost socks in the world and dies.

The sequel (title TBA) will be about this.

Yesterday I did a load of laundry and washed my pair of workout gloves.

Wait for it . . .


Yes, stereotypically speaking there are certain, how shall we say, douchebag qualities specific to the man who wears workout gloves. And I resisted for a long time because I grew up before metrosexuality even existed and, along with the ability to grow a mustache if necessary and inspire confidence while driving in bad weather, having calluses on your hands was a sign of manliness. In college, before I realized that most girls were 60% easier than you thought they were, I would purposefully rub their fingers over my calluses, hoping to evoke images of me tilling soil and wiping sweat from my brow with my shirt, which I have just removed because the heat – it is too much. Since I never collected any empirical data, though, it’s impossible to say if this move ever proved successful, which it probably didn’t.

Then one day I saw my dad use hand moisturizer. Fucking rocked my world. My dad, who once cut off the tip of his thumb with a table saw and drove himself to the hospital and the tip grew back (nail and all) because my dad’s body intuitively knew that it needed that thumb tip to properly swing a hammer, was using hand moisturizer. It was exactly like when Jack found out about his father’s drinking problem on Lost but SO MUCH MORE INTENSE.

I never asked him about it, but everything I needed to learn from what I witnessed can be summed up thusly: Life’s too short to have rough hands.

So yeah, I wear workout gloves at the gym, and sometimes people look at me and I know they’re thinking awful, insidious things, but damnit they’re comfortable, and I feel like if I had to punch someone while wearing them my punch would be twice as effective, not to mention five times more dramatic.

But oh, the dryer monster. Like a serial rapist on Law and Order: SVU, it is escalating. Where once a sock amuse-bouche was enough, now it needs a workout glove main course, too. For the life of me I cannot explain it. Not why the dryer monster would want a workout glove, because for all I know they are delicious by the standards of fictitious monsters’ appetites, but how in the world I lost it. My dryer is in my apartment – the glove is disappearing from inside the apartment! Could it be that the dryer monster is real? That it’s not just a creation by man to shirk the mundane responsibilities of everyday life, like how you don’t have to wash a toothbrush because it “cleans itself”? Or could it be that the dryer monster is real, and it’s inside all of us?


Anonymous Dave said...

You know The Dryer Monster. You live with The Dryer Monster.The Dryer Monster is getting back at you for making him face away while you go to the bathroom.

June 2, 2009 at 3:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jeff said...

i once found a sock hanging out of the dryer exhaust tube. i felt like it was the fiber that the dryer monster couldn't digest and was just passing through

June 2, 2009 at 3:42:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Naru said...

I just want to say that I hate Hulu. They don't let anyone outside of the US watch their videos which means I miss out.

June 3, 2009 at 4:37:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

My dad once spilt hot tar on his hand. Wouldn't go to the doctor. Just put mercurochrome on his hands. Yet the guy is more than willing to lather himself with my Bodyshop coconut body butter. That more than anything deserves my respect.

June 3, 2009 at 6:24:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

Toothbrushes DO NOT clean themselves!!!

June 3, 2009 at 8:11:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your other workout glove was in the hamper. I just threw in a load of colors. It's in the wash now.

- Nancy Drew

June 3, 2009 at 10:17:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Ben Sherman said...

What are your girlfriend's thoughts on the workout gloves? Don't go accusing just quite yet, but I had a beautiful(ly soft) baby blue "Ocean in Motion - Myrtle Beach, 1983" t-shirt that my mom hated because I always wore it when I went out to eat at fancy places (read: Red Lobster) with her.

One day it disappeared during a load of wash and we were quick to blame the Dryer Monster. I was sure it would turn up but nine years passed and nothing. Finally, my mother admitted that SHE was the dryer monster and disposed of the beloved/bemoned t-shirt. This was much more devastating then when I found out she was Santa Claus.

Good luck - I know your pain.

June 4, 2009 at 10:20:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dana said...

hah! Workout gloves.

If Nancy Drew wasn't really Brooke, I'd like to draw your attention to the more likely culprit. That would be the Washer Monster. Because when things go missing in the laundry, it's generally that they've slipped over the tub. Our washing machine wouldn't drain properly last year, and we assumed the worst, but it was just a washcloth stuck in the drain. Apparently a very common problem. Think of all the socks and towels and workout gloves (heh) that end up floating in our rivers... and all this time we've been blaming the wrong fictional monster.

June 4, 2009 at 1:09:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous James said...

I would have to agree with the washer monster theory. When I was in college I would use the dorm laundry facilities and would frequently end up with panties in my dryed laundry. I'm a guy that likes boxers. I thought it was a joke for a couple of months even going so far as to blame my roommates for putting them in my wash. Turns out that little things like G-strings and maybe workout gloves get caught up in the top of the washer during the spin cycle and basically get jammed up there until the next wash when water washes them back down. Just a thought.

June 4, 2009 at 7:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Chris said...

Maybe the Dryer Monster lost a workout glove when he did his laundry, so he needed to steal one from you to make up for it. Now you must steal a workout glove from someone else to continue the cycle.

June 8, 2009 at 3:49:00 PM EDT  

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