Thursday, July 2, 2009

1001 Things I Hate: No. 2

After a man in an elevator told me to smile, I decided to start a series on Dan’s blog called 1001 Things I Hate. 1001 things? Well, yeah. I hate 1000 and 1 things, and I have a list.

Talking on the Phone

Seriously, don’t call me. The last time I enjoyed talking on the phone was with my 6th grade boyfriend, Andrew Goodman, a quality kisser and excellent conversationalist. Dan and I, despite our witty in-person and written repartee, are freakishly awkward on the phone with each other.

Dan: “Hey. What’s up?”
Brooke: “Nothing.” (Pause.) “Have you se–”
Dan: “Where are you?”
Brooke: “I’m at th–”
Dan: “Wait, did you say something?”
Brooke: “What?”

In the good old days, you could masturbate in your car without being interrupted. But since the advent of cell phones you can never really be “not here right now.” You are always here. So this has, in effect, turned the phone from a convenience to a giant homing device. We’re left to grope for excuses (“no reception,” “it was on silent,” “forgot the phone in my car”). Lies!* We’re all sitting somewhere with our phone next to us so that when Michael Jackson dies we get the CNN alert. You know what, I did hear the phone ring. I’m freaking attached to it. I just decided not to answer. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love my phone. I incessantly check my email, peruse Facebook, and refresh my stock quotes. I just don’t want to talk to you.

The calls I dread most are of the “let’s catch up” variety. Look, I get it. You live in New York and I’m in Miami. Or we’re more than Facebook friends, but not so close that you know what I did last weekend. You feel obligated to call and catch up. But the thing is, I’m not twenty. I haven’t made plans to travel abroad, discovered a new career path, or had a drug-fueled one-night stand that I want to mull over in detail (“and then he put his penis in my armpit…”). Nor do I moonlight as a vigilante crime fighter (vigilantes have the best stories). I have the same job, live in the same place, and am still with Dan. Nothing interesting has happened this year. And our thirty minute attempt at sharing has just highlighted the monotony of my bourgeois existence. I have no news. Oh wait! Did I tell you I went for ice coffee this morning instead of drinking my usual drip coffee? It was crazy! I waited on line for fifteen minutes and then the barista gave me decaf by accident. Hahaha! Listen, if there was something to tell you (“I have a rare disease!”), I’d call. Otherwise, assume everything is the same. And no, I’m not engaged, but thanks for asking. Again.

A close runner up: people who call to make plans. Friend, this is why texting was invented. We don’t have to talk about what time we’re meeting for dinner tonight. You write, “8pm?” and I write back, “Sure.” Plans made. Instead, you want to have a conversation about it with all the boring pleasantries. “Hey. What are you doing?” Well, until you called and I felt obligated to pick up because we just IMed and you know that I’m sitting at my desk, I was writing something. I think it was something profound, maybe the best sentence ever written. There was a nuanced flow, an ironic turn of phrase, insight into the human condition, and a subtle reference to The Bachelorette. But then my phone rang and it was lost. All so we can have a five minute conversation about what time to meet for dinner. 8pm. Let’s meet at 8pm. Ugh.

Thing I love: bagels.

* Really though, I don’t get reception in my apartment.


Blogger Ayda said...

i so. agree. with every word.

i hate the phone. people think i'm rude. what i hate more than the phone is when people leave me voice mail. i dont even listen to it. i just call the v mail everytime it's full, hit "7" like for five minutes until they're all erased and then i'm done.

July 2, 2009 at 7:37:00 PM EDT  
Blogger hoteltuesday said...

I completely agree!! I hate talking on the phone. I love texting, but seriously, talking on the phone is a waste of time. And I constantly have to make up excuses for why I don't answer.

July 2, 2009 at 9:07:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Karla Akins said...

I thought I was the only one who hated talking on the phone so much. Now. I am not alone. sniff

July 2, 2009 at 9:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger auntiekim said...

Until this post I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way. I'd just assumed I was anti-social. Thanks Brooke!!

(p.s. are you and Dan engaged yet??)


July 2, 2009 at 11:06:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog has completely jumped the shark and is unreadable. Please move back to NY and leave us SoBe locals alone. If you refuse to move at least show us some Brooke Cleavage...

July 3, 2009 at 12:07:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous headbang8 said...

People who need people. Spare me.

Needling like Auntie Kim's is easier to ignore in print. Obviously, that wasn't a question. That was a meddle.

Right, Kim?

July 3, 2009 at 12:15:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Law Girl said...

brooke, i couldn't agree with you more. screening my phone calls has become a necessary part of my life. i'm also a firm believer in the theory that a missed call alone doesn't deserve a callback. if you don't leave a voicemail telling me why you're calling, then you are definitely NOT getting a call back.

although i must admit, sometimes i do what "ayda" does and delete the voicemails without even listening. why do i even have a phone in the first place?

July 3, 2009 at 10:26:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The text message is my friend. People will call me, I will not answer. I will listen to their voicemail and then respond to them with a text message. When they call me again...I still will not answer. By the way, when ARE you guys getting engaged? Dan, what is your problem! No time like the present.

July 3, 2009 at 12:08:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Camels & Chocolate said...

I cannot tell you how much I agree with this. People who leave voicemails are a close second to people who just call to chat. I always think it's going to be bad news. Why not save me the trouble and text me what you want?

July 3, 2009 at 12:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Antelope said...

The only time I like talking on the phone is when my husband calls me at work and I pretend he's saying inappropriate things and I giggle and respond "No, we'll need MUCH more Jello... and call your friend Rob... ok, ok, talk later!"

July 3, 2009 at 12:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger auntiekim said...

Sorry...It's been a *very* long week and I honestly can't tell if you think my post was serious headbang. It was a joke. I was asked the same question constantly in my previous relationship so I know how annoying it is. It was meant as a joke. I was not meddling.

July 3, 2009 at 1:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Art said...

The last time I enjoyed talking on the phone was with my 6th grade boyfriend, Andrew Goodman, a quality kisser and excellent conversationalist.

Could we get a heads up that we have a guest columnist? I don't read this thing all the time and this opening sentence had me thinking we were learning something new about our usual host.

July 3, 2009 at 8:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Allison Hatfield said...

i also hate talking on the phone. then again, i hate texting. i would rather you send an email saying 8 pm. which i will have to read on my computer because i don't have email on my phone. Why do i even have a phone?

July 3, 2009 at 10:41:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think all blogs written by men would be much improved if they found themselves a Brooke.

Or two.

July 4, 2009 at 9:51:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Bethie said...

I'm really not sure which query is worse: "Smile! Why so glum?" or "So what's new?"

Sometimes I make stuff up when faced with either one, if I can come up with something controversial enough to discourage the Asker from future inquiry.

July 5, 2009 at 10:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jeff said...

why do people still leave voicemails at all? ok sure, if it actually some important information, go ahead and leave it after the beep, but if all you're going to say is "call me back", well dammit that's what called ID is for.

July 6, 2009 at 7:54:00 AM EDT  
Blogger headbang8 said...

Sorry to have needled you, Auntie Kim. Let's kiss and make up.

Dan and Brooke love you. Puppy loves you. I love you. Your public loves you. There's so much love in the room, we can scarcely fit furniture!

Love, HB8

July 6, 2009 at 10:37:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Chris said...

Between No. 1 and No. 2 I am right with you, Brooke. If Dan doesn't marry you, then I will. (I'm gay, but I think we can work something out)

I hate when coworkers send me an email - and then follow it up with an annoying phone call to see if I "understood" the email.

July 6, 2009 at 11:29:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Amber said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like my phone conversations with my significant other are awkward. I always wonder about those people who have several phone conversations per day with their better half because we have NOTHING to say to each other when a phone is involved. Also, I was with my bf for 4 yrs before we got engaged and was ready to punch people (my mom) in the throat when they asked if I was engaged yet. Don't you think I'd TELL you?

July 6, 2009 at 1:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Katie said...

Further proof that I have long suspected you are the coolest.

All you need are letters, emails, and in-person things. I threw my last phone under a speeding cab.

July 6, 2009 at 10:47:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Lexi said...

I have a Blackberry and use everything on it EXCEPT the actual phone part. Because talking on the phone is like saying "I want you to think I'm better than you because I actually dialed your number instead of hitting the text button."

July 7, 2009 at 7:32:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

Good post. The phone is for one thing: to make plans to actually present yourself at a time and place in person.

If you are Russel Crowe, it is also to throw at hotel staff. So he has two uses for the phone.

July 13, 2009 at 7:49:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Christine Staley said...

I couldn't agree more! I used to feel guilty that I don't like to talk on the phone and should call to "catch up on" but never have anything to say! sadly, I am not a vigilante either...

now if only my mother would learn to text message, I think I'd never have to use the phone again!

July 13, 2009 at 11:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Red said...

"And our thirty minute attempt at sharing has just highlighted the monotony of my bourgeois existence."

I am so stealing that.

July 17, 2009 at 2:07:00 PM EDT  
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November 6, 2018 at 11:02:00 PM EST  

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