Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Bachelorette: “Live Blogging!” Sort of.

Hi, it’s Brooke. I’m “live blogging” the Bachelorette. On my own time. See, Dan and I went out and I had a lot of sake. And now I’m writing! So technically it’s not live – cause we’re starting it at 10:30 p.m. But it’s live for me, ya know? Anyhow, the recap is rolling now. Dan is eating Pepperidge Farm cookies, and I am going to write it as I see it.

They’re still recapping, so let me say this: I hate Wes. I hate him. And it’s not because I think he has a girlfriend. I hate Wes cause he’s a giant douchebag. GIANT. “Look at me, I’m distant, but sensitive. I can play songs that suck and think I’m deep. But if you shaved my goatee, I wouldn’t even have a chin. I have no chin! And I’m a loser.” Wes, just so you know, years from now when your music fails and people see you at a bar, drinking Coors Light and humming “They say love don’t come easy,” they’re going to point and laugh and say, “Hey look, the chinless D-bag from the Bachelorette.”

They’re still recapping. I don’t get this. Do they think I forgot who Reid was since last week? It’s only been a week. OK, Dan has permitted me to fast forward. Now, we’re fifteen minutes in. Jillian is walking around to Spanish music. Where did those guitars come from?


They run and hug each other. Now they’re walking around. I’ve got to be honest, I’m a little bored and thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. There’s no way to dip a cookie in milk while writing. Kiptyn says a proposal is far off and instantly loses the heart of every girl watching. Look, Giant Forehead, if we wanted to dick around with a guy and date for three years, we wouldn’t sign up for reality TV!

Now they’re doing the Pasa Doble, I think. Oh oh , it’s Flamenco. I fell asleep. They’re clapping and walking. Jillian is wearing a leotard. She has small boobies. More clapping. You shouldn't look this stupid in front of your partner for at least three months.

OOOH, a Harry Potter trailer!!!

Jillian talks via voiceover about her biological clock. Now they’re getting on a moped. Kiptyn says “she’s fun and spontaneous,” as though Jillian arranged the moped and not the production assistant. Finally, as Dan would say, Bang card time!!!

Wow! Jillian says no to the bang card (i.e. spending the night together). I am shocked. WHAT?! How is she supposed to know who she wants to marry if she doesn’t see their junk? Is she going to say no to the whole junk parade? I’ve lost all interest.


She’s with Reid and they’re in a bakery/supermarket. This is my idea of hell. Why would you go grocery shopping on your third date? Save the chores for the slow decline of marriage. The butcher hates them. “Giggly” in English translates to “idiot” in Spanish. I like the flower in her hair. I wonder if it’s a headband or a clip.

Watching Jillian ask Reid how he feels is painful. Reid gives wishy-washy answers – “I’m attracted to you.” “I think you’re funny.” You’re a good person.” Here’s something I’ve learned: If you have to ask a guy how he feels, you are NEVER going to get the answer you want.

And, bang card time! The verdict: No. What?! Honestly, I’m so done with this right now. If this show was real she wouldn’t be trying to look virtuous and virginal for the viewing public. What she would be doing was spending the night with these boys so she could TALK to them without the cameras. And maybe see how it felt to sleep next to each other. And wake up and have to brush your teeth. Does he snore? I mean, you want to get engaged in three weeks and you’ve never slept – just slept – next to each other. What. Ever.


They’re on a horse drawn carriage ride. Let me tell you about the time I went on a horse-drawn carriage ride. My college boyfriend Lee came from the farmlands of California to visit me in Manhattan. To show him Central Park, we went on a carriage ride. You know something – horses smell like shit. Literally, cause they shit as they walk. And the whole time you’re thinking, “This should be romantic.” But it’s not. Do you think when Keira Knightley rides around the countryside in a Jane Austen novel she thinks it’s romantic? No, it’s bumpy and dirty and unpleasant. Back to the show:

Jillian is worried that she hasn’t met Ed’s family. This would have been my M.O. if I was on the show (a future plan of mine). I would fake an illness during the family portion so my family couldn’t blow my chances. Or maybe I would rent a family. A well-adjusted Christian family. One of those families that read you Dickens when you’re little, and don’t allow you sugar cereal, and enforce an early curfew.

Oh, they’re having a real conversation: Ed asked if she would move to Chicago. She said yes. Ed says he can see them spending the rest of their lives together. Dan calls this “an emotional cum shot.” Bang card time!! Jillian agrees to spend the night with Ed under the pretense that they need to catch up because he missed a couple episodes. Ed’s a frontrunner.


I. Just. Can’t. Everything he says is dumb. The first part of their date is awkward, I think. I went to the bathroom. Now it’s dinner time and, oh look!, another Western shirt. I bet he voted for Bush in ’04. She keeps calling him a bad boy. He’s not a bad boy. He’s a little wuss who feels big in his tiny town. He can’t move to Vancouver because he’d have to deal with his insignificance. Also, he said “We should clear the table” twice, instead of “clear the air.” Malapropisms irk me. She’s now crying(!!) and he just said, “I have to look out for numero uno.” Oh, Jillian, if you had any self-respect, you would say, “I’m too good for you. Get out.” Bang card time!! He says, “I think we should.” Really? She doesn’t. Thank god.

Rose Ceremony

While waiting for Jillian to arrive at the ceremony, Wes says, regarding who’s going home: “It’s me. I’ll be back home having lots of sex.” Classy, Wes.

Ed’s first. (He’s gonna win.) Next: Reid. Last: Kiptyn. No surprise. Leaving in the car, Wes says things like: “I made it down to the final four with a girlfriend.” “My acting days are over.” “Those boys couldn’t get a nibble back in Texas.” Hmm. Is a nibble a woman? Or that cow he screws?

Next Week

More of the same – both from the show (“Share your feelings, Kiptyn.”) and from us (“We may live blog! From New York! With a guest star! But probably not!”)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i would love to go to one of Wes' band's gigs just to throw glass bottles at him
Ed is totally gonna win... unless he's the impotent guy they've been teasing us with all season, except they haven't shown that clip lately, have they?

July 7, 2009 at 10:25:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your recaps are the BEST-- you are right on the money about Wes. He dressed in a shirt that looked like a used handkerchief with that smug look...I'm thinking his stint (oops, typed 'stink' and should have left it) on the show will not do him any favors while trying to seal record deals...who wants to deal with a lyin' cheater? -- although they are good fodder for country song writers...

July 7, 2009 at 10:57:00 AM EDT  
Blogger katiecoo said...

heehee....so funny! I totally agree on Ed..he's the one she SHOULD pick. The only one who truly has shown interest in her vs. the "let's see how the dating goes" brigade. Oh and you might have been cookie dunking or catnapping but Reid put that flower in her hair...it was a real flower! ;)

July 7, 2009 at 11:00:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only started watching this show when deanna was on and I see there is always a "bad boy" thrown in to make us yell at our tv and not fall asleep during most of the one on one dates.

Too bad she had three roses to give out because Kiptyn should have been right behind Loser Wes last night. The guy has amazing abs but other than that he has the personality of a house fly and hes homely.

Ed is adorable and left for the right reasons and came back for an even better reason. He seems to really be into her and he is cute and makes lots of money so where's the challenge there? Reid is hot as hell (glasses, no glasses who cares) and even if he cant articulate how he feels I think the body language is there of a guy who is falling in love.

Whats with all the crying at the final rose ceremony? Who cant get it up? When will Deanna show up and give Jillian advice (oh, that doesnt happen every time? sorry)...thats why I keep watching.

thanks for the brilliant recaps brooke!

July 7, 2009 at 11:24:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"She has small boobies" made me giggle. I'm not entirely sure why.

July 7, 2009 at 11:36:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always look forward to your Bachelorette recaps, they're hilarious! I agree, Jillian should pick Ed. I can't get over Kiptyn's forehead or Valley Girl accent, and she and Reid's time is always full of awkward silence.

After being a d-bag on national TV, does Wes really think all the ladies will run out to buy his album?!

July 7, 2009 at 11:38:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Joe White said...

I hate malapropisms too. I think you meant "frontrunner," not "forerunner."

Unless, of course, you meant that he and Jillian conceived a child on bang-card night, making him the forerunner of generations of fun-loving and spontaneous Canadimerican hybrids, which is a delicious possibility.

July 7, 2009 at 11:51:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops, I suck. I changed it. But I'm still going to punish myself with three mandatory laps at the pool.

July 7, 2009 at 12:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Adam P said...

Wes on being in beautiful Spain:
"My album was actually # 1 in Chimiganga, Mexico. So I have a real love for the Spanish people."

A) Where the fuck is Chimganga, Mexico?
B) Did you know that there is a difference between Hispanic people and Spanish people? ...... You dickhead.

Also, that was the "most shocking" exit interview in Bachelorette history (for real).

July 7, 2009 at 12:32:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Adam P said...

and i'm also a slight dickhead because it's "Mexican" and Spanish", not Hispanic and Spanish.

Whatever...eff you Wes

July 7, 2009 at 12:37:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wes may be a db (though i wouldn't know cuz i don't watch the show) and def sounds like one, but let's leave austin out of it shall we?

also, hispanic and spanish are in fact 2 diff things so, adam p, you are not a dickhead :-)

July 7, 2009 at 10:05:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How come Brooke is the only one writing now?

July 8, 2009 at 12:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Beth said...

You are a better woman than I. I fell asleep during Kiptyn and stayed asleep.

And, btw, it's not a giant forehead...it's a "fivehead!"

July 8, 2009 at 3:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Meow said...

i don't even watch this show; i don't need to because i'd probably be disappointed. i'm sure it's not as interesting as your synopses.

July 16, 2009 at 12:33:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Joelle said...

This is by far the best bachelorette recap I have found on-line. As much as I know reality tv rots my mind, I can't stop watching.

P.S Did you know that Deanna is a co-host on some wedding planning show? Seriously? She's such a tv whore.

July 25, 2009 at 1:23:00 PM EDT  

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