Monday, July 27, 2009

The Bachelorette Season Finale Live Blog

7:57 Brooke: I'm early. Also, Dan got Final Jeopardy.

7:59 Dan: Final high school Jeopardy. And none of the other kids got it. It’s the telegraph, assholes.

8:00 Brooke: WHAT?! (The screen was glitching. Brooke is on edge.)

8:01 Brooke: I'd like to start off by saying I'm completely uninterested in the outcome of this. Also, I'd bet Puppy that Ed wins and Kiptyn is the next bachelor.

8:02 Dan: EPIC RECAP. Behind Door #1 it’s a guy with rock hard abs, an endless array of ill-fitting suits, and a forehead with more character than a Paul Haggis script. Behind Door #2 a guy with erectile dysfunction who loves IT Consulting. It’s every girl’s dream!

8:05 Dan: Jillian and Ed are dancing around the E.D. issue so expertly that it should be nominated for an Emmy in outstanding choreography.

8:06 Brooke: What is he bringing Jillian’s parents? Is that, a rug?

8:09 Dan: Jillian’s mom is grilling Ed. His face is like, “This is harder than an IT consulting interview!”

8:10 Brooke: Ooh, starting off with "Do you want kids?" When Dan met my mom, she told him she didn't think I was the mother type.

8:12 Brooke: Who's dressing these people? It's like they're all in matching Island Casual attire. Awful.

8:13 Brooke: Jillan's cousin - like a hot Jillian.

8:14 Dan: Jillian is happy that things didn’t get awkward or weird. This voice dub is played over a clip of the entire family dancing the hula in coconut bras.

8:17 Brooke: Yellow again! Somebody get me the wardrobe consultant!

Dan: Jillian is happy that she “got to that place that she needed to” with Kiptyn. Can we please stop talking about soft penises? Please?

8:18 Dan: Jillian to Kiptyn: “My family is a lot like yours”? Does she have a second family? Like one that owns the first family?

8:20 Brooke: The fact that she thinks he's so hot confuses me. Has she seen those ears? It's liberating to objectify men.

8:21 Brooke: Mom asks "How important is communication?” What's he gonna say, It's not important? Way to lob softballs, Mom.

8:22 Dan: Yikes. Dad asks “Are you in love with Jill?” and Kiptyn responds, “I’m getting there.” It’s not like he asked, “Are you almost done remodeling the kitchen?” Just say yes.

8:25 Dan: Bandslam – High School Musical with instruments. Where can I invest?

8:29 Dan: Mom says both guys are “here for the right reasons.” Someone’s learned the lingo.

8:31 Dan: At this point, I think I’d rather listen to the family discuss Obama’s health care plan.

Brooke: You know what's a good show, So You Think You Can Dance.

8:33 Dan: The cousin says that sex is “a big thing, a very big thing.” Why don’t they just punch Ed in the kidney and get it over with?

8:37 Brooke: No. Ed's wearing a tank top. Again. It's not ok, people. NOT OK.

8:38 Dan: While in a helicopter flying over volcanoes, Ed makes a joke about one of them erupting. Now you’re just asking for it, Ed.

Dan: Holy crap, Ed gets off on exploding volcanoes?

8:41 Brooke: Eeps. He's attacking her face with his tongue. And she was pulling back. If I was a body language expert in US Weekly, I'd say "Fail!"

8:42 Dan: All Ed ever talks about is how hot Jillian is. Personally, I think she’s an enigma. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Every so often the light catches her face a certain way and you can just tell that her face is expiring in about three years.

8:43 Dan: These two have done more kissing in water than dolphins. Horny ones.

8:44 Brooke: Ed, "I'm ready to take this to the next level." Translation: "I will show you my love with my cock."

8:45 Brooke: It's pretty pitiful. He's like the representative for every guy that couldn't get it up and asked for a second chance. That's how you know it's not reality. Cause in real life, those guys are branded impotent for life. And then you tell your friends.

8:45 (As Jillian and Ed shut the lights out in their room, the producers cut to a clip of a volcano exploding.)

Brooke: Unbelievable.
Dan: Believe it.

8:48 Dan: The producers upped Kiptyn’s meds backstage, because now all he can talk about it how he wants to marry Jillian.

8:49 Dan: Jillian, “I need to know Kiptyn is in this for the long run.” (Cut to scene of speed boat taking off.)

8:50 Brooke: Uh oh. She just said "I love Kiptyn." What I said before about betting Puppy, I was just kidding. You can't hold me to that. You have no proof!

8:51 Dan: Does anyone else feel like Kiptyn is a bit rough with Jillian? Like Lenny?

8:52 Dan: Kiptyn and Jillian are out paddling on a long board. Even on Kiptyn’s date, Ed can’t escape his E.D.ness.

8:52 Brooke: Friend Amy texts in: "Are we sure Ed's not gay?" Friend Amy, though about ten minutes behind, makes a solid point.

Dan: That would explain his attitude of “I love everything about you except your scary vagina in the dark” towards Jillian.

8:56 Dan: The fact that Amy Adams is in a movie about blogging makes me hopeful for the day when Zac Efron will play me in [redacted]: Better than Brian DePalma’s Movie.

8:58 Dan: Kool-Aid promises “more smiles per gallon.” Hypoglycemia will do that to a person.

9:00 Brooke: “Hehehe. ‘Kiptyn’s always been the dumper!’”

9:01 Dan: Jillian has officially made her decision. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that it was The Hardest Decision She Has Ever Had To Make™. Meanwhile, Kiptyn and Ed choose their rings, which is the easiest decision ever because the network has already bought them (like in all good love stories).

9:04 Dan: Jillian is crying. Already. I just realized now that I stopped liking her at least four episodes ago.

9:05 Brooke: A white wedding dress? For the proposal? Ridiculous.

9:06 Brooke: OK, they're about to walk into the rose ceremony and we have an hour to go. They're going to have to stir up a lot of drama to make this work.

Dan: My guess is that it has something to do with a man whose name rhymes with “weed.”

9:09 Brooke: Friend Amy on delay: "Ew, they both picked the grossest rings." So true. That heart-shaped diamond was hids.

9:13 Brooke: How awesome would it be if she picked Chris Harrison!?!

9:14 Dan: Walking up to Jillian, Kiptyn says, “The impossible is possible.” (Sad trombone sound.)

9:14 Brooke: The producers must have arranged this with Kiptyn. Telling him to say he was going to propose, so he's a more sympathetic Bachelor. Bet on!

9:15 Dan: Jillian to Kiptyn: “I’ve fallen in love with someone else.” Kiptyn: “Hmm. This hurts.” (Bear hug.)

9:17 Dan: On the Limo Confessional Cam Kiptyn says he wishes he had more time to tell Jillian how he fe-

9:18 Dan: On to more important things – why would a girl want vibrating mascara? If there’s one body part where I want to keep all vibrating objects away from it’s my eye. No?

9:25 Dan: Jillian is really good at pulling off the smug look of “I’m so happy everything’s settled and there aren’t any surprises coming.” Even while the ominous music plays!

9:26 Dan: Reid comes out of a minivan and tells Chris that he made a huge mistake by getting kicked off. Then he goes out and hugs Jillian – but so passionately! And then he proceeds to say nothing. That’s so Reidy!

9:27 Brooke: Whoa. He's going to propose. And he had to pull strings to come back? Like say yes when the producers offered him 50k?

9:27 Brooke: They're both sweating profusely. How romantic.

9:28 Dan: Jillian, “Letting you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do, except when I let go of Kiptyn ten minutes ago.”

9:29 Dan: The producers are so pissed they couldn’t score the rights to “Don’t Stop Believing” for this scene.

9:30 Dan: Reid’s reason why he never had anything to say: “It’s indescribable because it’s meant to be.” You can’t argue with logic, Jillian!

9:31 Brooke: (Reid gets down on one knee and proposes.) Text from friend Amy, who has caught up: “Ahhhhhhhhh.”

9:32 Dan: Jillian, “I can’t make a decision like this!” She doesn’t even have her flowcharts.

9:33 Brooke: No! What?! It must be hard to say no to a proposal. We women are groomed to want to be proposed to. To want to put that ring on. When she saw it, she even looked confused. "Me want ring. Grrr!"

9:37 Dan: Friend Amy: "I hope she picks him. Good Jew."

Brooke: Friend Amy is Jewish, so that's not offensive.

9:39 Dan: ABC’s Fall line-up includes shows about cougars, witches, and gravity. What is this, 1960?

9:40 Brooke: Poor Reid. They're just making him stand out there in the sun, sweating.

9:41 Dan: Chris Harrison should have his own show called “Chris Harrison’s Emotional Advice.” And on the premier episode he should box Dr. Phil.

9:43 Dan: Reid: “How are you?” Jillian: “Emotional.” I think he was being rhetorical.

9:44 Dan: The way Jillian talks about this decision sounds just like how I sound when I talk about choosing what to have for dinner. That says something bad about one of us.

9:45 Brooke: Nice, Jillian. Now Reid will never open up again.

9:47 Brooke: I give Jillian and Ed a 50-50 shot. 50 percent they make it through the first round of publicity. 50 percent they don't.

9:48 Dan: Think of it this way, Reid. How many guys can say that the last two times they were dumped they were whisked away in a limousine? Not many!

9:49 Brooke: Anonymous commenter 4, I'll give you that the dress is pale pink. But still, a sweetheart neckline with a full skirt? It screams bridal.

Dan: Yes but what do you wear to the most pathetic moment of your life? Where is this month’s Martha Stewart Living when I need it!

9:53 Dan: DATING IN THE DARK! DATING IN THE DARK! Please tell me you saw that!

9:55 Dan: Ed calls Jillian kind, beautiful, funny. This is what Reid was never good at – adjectives.

9:57 Dan: Ed’s down on one knee and you can see it in Jillian’s eye: GREEN CARD!

9:58 Brooke: Oh god, that ring. Honestly, if after all that, he gave me that ring, I might cry. It's a heart-shaped diamond, for fuck's sake.

Dan: I heard it’s a blood diamond!

9:59 Brooke: Weird country song montage. They deserve this music.

Dan: The fact that the Jillian and Ed Music and Picture Montage doesn’t include a shot of Ed back in his office in Chicago pining for Jillian while doing internet technology consulting is a crime. Like, “Well, sir, I’m not sure your baud is up to speed.” (Breaks out crying.)

10:01 Brooke: I know Kiptyn is the next Bachelor. But I really wish it was Reid.

10:02 Dan: (Secretly records Dating in the Dark while Brooke isn’t looking.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am loving this... I never watched this show until I read your recaps. Seriously, here goes the ed = E.D. talk...

July 27, 2009 at 8:33:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm on PST so I've got two hours to go before the episode airs here. Not reading yet is a Herculean test of strength!

July 27, 2009 at 8:44:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Werbie said...

Can we also talk about Kiptyn's purple-snakeskin-patterned tie?

July 27, 2009 at 9:10:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I'm excited to see whether or not this life of passionless love lasts. Who could possibly feel passionate about a grown man who wears Garanimals tank tops? Oh, Jillian, you poor pathetic sell out.

July 27, 2009 at 9:23:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Erin said...

She really is shooting the wedding gown wad with the white dress.

July 27, 2009 at 9:24:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pale pink. The dress is pale, pale pink.

July 27, 2009 at 9:27:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The. Most. Dramatic. Conclusion. EVER!

July 27, 2009 at 9:32:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Mrs.Strombo said...

That ring is HIDS!!!!

July 27, 2009 at 9:53:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Defying Gravity really? REALLY?! first a show about ER Drs, then ones about cops (every single unit!), firefighters, shitty Drs, and now astronauts... was this really necessary??

July 27, 2009 at 9:57:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, and being whisked away in a minivan is definitely the lowest low he could have gone out on

July 27, 2009 at 10:00:00 PM EDT  
Blogger S.logan said...

Kinda weird that the country song they used for her and Ed was Martina McBride, considering she performed on the first one-on-one date with Jake. Or maybe it's only weird to those of us who take our Bachelorette very (by which I mean "way too") seriously.

July 28, 2009 at 1:05:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Stella McDipsalot said...

thank you for making it so i NEVER have to watch this show.

instead, i watched "halls of anger" on tcm. equally as train-wrecky.

July 28, 2009 at 9:32:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Tom said...

So the dumpee always gets to be on the next show, right? "She was my one true love, but she's gone forever, I'll try to soldier on and find love with some other person" yeah?

Wouldn't it be great if that whole season was just one long bout of depression slash unresponsiveness brought on by over medication? Where the rose ceremonies are all entirely random, "you stay, you go, I don't care anymore" and in the end no one gets picked?

I would watch that.

July 28, 2009 at 10:09:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Arundhati said...

Reading this is so much better than watching the show. Is it just me or does this season suck more than the others? Deanna was classic, and the ending of Jason's season was some of the best TV watching I've ever done. But this time around, I think I'll stick with your recaps.

July 28, 2009 at 1:10:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was just well done all around.

Brooke's "When Dan met my mom, she told him she didn't think I was the mother type." was my favourite.


"Dan: ABC’s Fall line-up includes shows about cougars, witches, and gravity. What is this, 1960?"

July 28, 2009 at 2:32:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Allison Hatfield said...

the dress did not look pale pink on the 70 inch mother i was watching the show on.

July 28, 2009 at 10:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Pyzahn said...

Holy crap. Are they all that long?

July 28, 2009 at 10:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

I have never watched the show but your rundowns of the events are hilarious.

P.S. Dan I am a closet Dating in the Dark watcher. It's so bad, it's good.

July 28, 2009 at 10:30:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But how did it end?! I'm hooked on this recap!

July 29, 2009 at 11:23:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the ring was totally pear shaped, hideous, but not heart shaped

July 29, 2009 at 5:45:00 PM EDT  

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